Things Lily Says...

This picture is a bit old, but it's what I have access to at the moment.  It was taken about 3 months ago, but it is one of my all-time favorites.  I feel like it captures Lily's spark and spunk.

She's 2.  Twenty-eight months to be precise, and she has ideas all her own.

"Pink is my favorite color."  (Yes, yes it is, as evidenced by the pink marker being the first to dry out.)

"Mommy, is our baby in your tummy?"  Yes, he still is.

Sometimes when I drop her off at places like her babysitter's house or Grandma's house, she'll ask if Mommy went to get the baby out of her tummy yet.  Or she may tell them, "Mommy went to get the baby out of her tummy."  Someday, in about 10 or 11 weeks (assuming we make it to full-term) that will be true.

When we talk about baby brother, it usually goes something like this:
Me: "Lily, do you love your baby brother?"
L:  "Yes, I love my baby brother."
Me:  "And he loves you."
L:  "Yes!  And he will like my cup, and he will like my tent, and he will like my big girl bed, and he will like my lightning bug, and he will push me in the stroller, and he will like my fish, and he will like my things..."

When we go to my mom's house, Lily always ALWAYS asks for fruit snacks.  Mom gets the Hello Kitty kind that Lily particularly loves.  Sometimes if I'm around and Lily knows it's likely that I'll tell her no (because Grandma certainly won't!) Lily will turn to Mom, furrow her brow, and whisper, "fruit snacks?"

Lately she has been telling me, "I don't want to [fill in the blank]"  It was cute.  Once.  It goes like this:
Me:  "Lily, come put on your coat."
L:  "I don't want to put on my coat."
Me:  "Lily, you need to obey and put on your coat."
L:  "Mom, I don't want to put on my coat."
Yeah.  We're working on that.  While it's nice to know what she wants and doesn't want, and it's fantastic that she can tell me, she still needs to obey, the first time...

When her daddy didn't understand which snack she wanted from the cabinet, she told him, "Why don't I just show you."

She's become quite the mini-mommy to her dollies lately.  One in particular (my Cabbage Patch doll from when I was little) is her favorite because we have a play pacifier that actually fits in her mouth.  Lily brings dolly to meals and puts dolly in her tiny high chair beside our table.  Lily tucks dolly into bed at night.  Lily puts dolly down for naps (which requires turning on Lily's 3 night lights, music, and turning off the big light after singing dolly a song).  The other day, Chase and I were in the kitchen where Lily was playing with dolly.  All of a sudden, Lily held dolly up and said, "Oh!  You have to go potty?  Hurry, hurry!"  She then ran to the bathroom, stripped dolly naked, got the potty chair out of the closet all by herself, and set dolly on it.  *sigh* Clearly she knows what to do... if only she'd actually do it herself!

"Is your doctor sick?"  Lily asks this because last week I was supposed to have an ultrasound.  We packed up her dolly, her doctor kit, and the video camera.  We told her about how the doctor would show us pictures of baby brother on a big TV screen and we'd get some new pictures to bring home.  We made it all the way to the doctor's office (a 30 minute drive) talking about how we'd see pictures of baby brother soon.  Aaaaaaaand the doctor was sick that day.  (Ironic?  Indeed.)  My phone had been on the fritz, so the message hadn't come through.  So we explained that the doctor was sick and wouldn't be able to show us pictures that day.  Nearly every day since she's asked if the doctor is still sick.  I now just agree and tell her that we'll go again on another day when the doctor isn't sick.  That appointment is 3 weeks from now.  Do you think she'll forget to ask if the doctor is sick by then?

The Cost of Motherhood

Today at church we celebrated Sanctity of Life Sunday, a day to commemorate the sanctity of human life, specifically regarding the unborn.  This was particularly emotional for me because I will celebrate 29 weeks of pregnancy tomorrow.  As we prayed for expectant mothers facing the choice of life or abortion, my son did calisthenics inside my womb.  Blame it on wacky hormones, but I teared up.

I wanted my 2-year-old daughter before I conceived.  I wanted my unborn son before I conceived.  I wanted and want to be a mother, their mother.  But I have also had moments in each pregnancy where I wondered, What in the world did I do?  Can it be undone?

Is there anything quite so intimidating or terrifying as becoming a parent, or becoming a parent again?  And is there anything quite so hard?

As we prayed for the unborn, for their mothers, for our leaders, for our nation, I thought of my pregnancy complaints this week: stretchmarks appearing ALREADY (at 29 weeks!  Where in the world is this baby going to go for the next 11 weeks, and what will that mean for my body?!?), backaches that keep me up at night, waking up to roll over when I do finally fall asleep despite my back, waddling as I walk, not being able to pick things up off of the floor without much effort and inevitable heartburn, and let's not even talk about bladder weakness, putting on socks, or the future prospect of labor and delivery.  And my pregnancy has been EASY - no real morning sickness or complications of any kind.  And I have a husband and family who surround, uphold, encourage, support, spoil, and pamper me to no end!

I thought about those women who face the decision of life or abortion, and I feel for them.  Many of them don't have a great support system, many of them may face very difficult pregnancies with complications, many of them are real with themselves about how incapable they feel of being a parent.  I get it.  I get why they make the choice to abort.

BUT

But understanding why they make the choice, having sympathy for the challenges they face, feeling my body change and knowing that they don't want to/don't feel capable of handling those changes - none of that changes the fact that abortion ends a life.

I don't know what your moral code is, but according to the moral code by which I live my life, that is murder and murder is wrong.  So while I sympathize, while I understand, I cannot simply overlook that abortion is never a better option than life.  I do not believe that size, location, quality of life, being wanted, or ability to sustain life independent of modern technology determine humanity.  And if they don't, then the fact that a person is tiny, inside a womb, may not have the middle-class lifestyle, tmay not be wanted by their biological parents, or may not be able to survive apart from a breathing machine aren't reasons to end the life.  It's as simple as that.

While that is my stance, I also want to take a moment to acknowledge again the hard work that is parenting.  Over the past 3 years (since I conceived my daughter), I have learned that there are no vacations.  There are no days off.  There is nothing about parenting that is easy.  I thought the infant stage with constant physical demands was hard.  But then came the challenge, lifelong challenge, of character formation and development.

What am I supposed to do when I tell her to look at me, and she looks straight ahead while rolling her little brown eyeballs over to look at me out of the corner of her eye?  What am I supposed to do when I tell her to go into the house and she just crosses the threshold from the garage to the house?  What do I do when I tell her, no, you can't have applesauce right now, and she goes over and hits the fridge as hard as she can, then turns to look at me to see how I'll react?  Do I spank?  Do I do time out?  Do I give her a look?  Do I ignore the behavior?  And what if Chase and I respond differently?  What teach her that the status of her heart is more important to me than the location of her body?

And compared to the years to come, these are easy years, I'm told!?!

This article talks about some of the challenges of being a stay at home mom:  Why My Wife's Job is Harder than Mine

I share it, not because it's in any way about who has the harder job.  I'm not even a full-time stay at home mom.  I work part-time.  I share it because the author has a deep understanding of how important teaching and instruction in the home is.  He also shows great appreciation for the work and efforts of his spouse.  And you know what?  I bet his spouse greatly appreciates all he does for her.  And that will translate to the kids - what a great gift.

Parenting is hard, on so many levels.  But, you know, despite the struggle, despite the effort, despite the stretch marks, sleepless nights, aching back, and life never again really being about me, there is nothing I would rather do.

Motherhood will cost you EVERYTHING.  But the payback is worth every "sacrifice."  In fact, they don't even really feel like sacrifices in light of the resulting blessings.

Greatness of Soul

I meant to write a nice post summing up 2013 before that year reached its conclusion; however, that didn't happen.  It felt like a rough year to me with lots of emotional ups and downs... hard things we faced.  I couldn't wait for 2014 to come.  But then 2014 came, and on its inaugural day, emotional baggage was pulled from the depths of the past decade and laid out for me to have to face.  I couldn't avoid it, I couldn't shove it aside, I couldn't walk around it.  I was actually depressed for a couple of days as I sifted through the muck.

So I gave up that idea and traded it for writing a post about new years resolutions for 2014, which seemed like it would be more fun.  Not that I'm necessarily into resolutions, but evaluating one's life on an annual basis seems to me to be a wise use of time.  I couldn't do it, not as 2014 didn't seem to start with a clean slate at all, and I had no clear direction.  Instead, many of the hard things of 2013 and years prior seemed to follow me, run ahead of and taunt me, haunt my dreams as 2014 got underway.

Now, here we are, 12 days in to the year, and finally, I can do it.  I feel like I can face 2014.  I know what my resolution for the year must be, and I am so grateful!  For me, this year will be about Greatness of Soul.  Let me explain...

Tonight, I channel surfed as I sat on the couch in the den doing some mindless work.  I flipped aimlessly through the channels until I saw the face of one of my undergraduate professors (and later colleagues) from my time at Hillsdale College.  Dr. David J. Bobb was on C-SPAN.  I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I've watched C-SPAN (it's not my favorite channel), and Dr. Bobb, while good, did not make my all-time favorites list of profs either.  Still, when you see a face you know well on TV, you stop.

He was being interviewed on Q&A about his recently published book:  Humility: An Unlikely Biography of America's Greatest Virtue.  He used phrases that I used all the time at Hillsdale that I never hear now, things like "primary source documents" and "constitutional liberties" and "greatness of soul."  I sat there, for 30 minutes in our den, surrounded by our beloved books from undergrad neatly shelved, soaking in the depth, goodness, and fullness of stories of Lincoln, Washington, John and Abigail Adams, Frederick Douglass.  I love them.

It was like water to parched earth.  I don't know how else to explain it - it felt SO good.

As I sat there, my son kicked, rolled, tossed, and turned in my belly (we'll be 28 weeks tomorrow!).  And I knew that that was it.  My resolution for 2014 is to focus on Greatness of Soul.

This year, I will give birth to our 2nd child, our son.  The expectation, then, is that our family will dote on, love, and otherwise raise him (though I take none of that for granted - only God knows what the future holds, and I trust Him with it).  Aside from preparing for and doing that, I'm trying to simplify life, to say no to things, to put fewer expectations on myself, because, frankly, I won't have time.  But Greatness of Soul...

That is something that must be done, that must be pursued.  In the midst of 9-month pregnant largeness, newborn nighttime feedings, dirty diapers, boundary-testing toddlers, play dates, babysitters, visits from grandparents, tripping on toys at 2am, work, dirty dishes, laundry, playing at the park, family get togethers, and all other things that make up life...  In the midst of all these things, we must nurture our souls.

If we don't, then we risk losing so much.  In fact, I believe that it is in the midst of raising our families, of spit up and tantrums, that cultivating that deepest part of who we are is most essential, most critical, most vital.  For if we lose sight of Greatness of Soul as we gaze into the eyes of our newborn miracle, when will we ever find it?  Additionally, if I don't nurture my soul, how can I teach my children that they must nurture theirs?

The urgent is the enemy in this sort of pursuit.  Things that must be done like paying bills, mowing the lawn, nursing the baby, sleep, going to the bathroom, dishes and laundry are all urgent things.  They often cannot be put off till tomorrow, or at least are better not put off till tomorrow (especially going to the bathroom!).  BUT they aren't really, in the broad scheme of things, that important.  (Ok, so nursing the baby really IS important, but I think you know what I mean, right?)

Do you care to be remembered as the person who kept the perfectly mowed lawn all summer?  Or would you rather be remembered as the person who understood the good because you took time to ponder it, to wrestle with it, to work through what good is, why it's good, and why it should be pursued?  Don't get me wrong - we work hard all summer NOT to be the neighbors with the unsightly lawn, and there is good in that.

But to focus on temporal things at the expense of considering the lasting, the timeless, the eternal things - that would be a tragedy.

Parenting a son scares me to death.  Honestly.  After over 2 years, I'm getting pretty good at the mom-of-a-daughter-thing.  I'm not perfect, but I get it.  She's sensitive, so dramatic emotions are normal for us, but I can't let her use tears to manipulate me either.  I'm learning how to cultivate her sweet little spirit, I'm experimenting with how to help her face situations that intimidate her, I can relate to so many of her likes and dislikes because they mirror my own.  She likes pretty things, frilly things, pink things.  She says "Aaaaawwwww!" when she sees a puppy or a kitten because she gets it; I get it.  I feel like I'm good at the girl thing.

But a boy.  Yikes.

I want to teach my children so much - their letters and numbers and good manners, yes.  But also and much more importantly how to love, how to learn, how to face difficulty, how to serve, how to lead, how to follow.  But teaching them each of these things requires that I set the example.  And how am I to set the example if I don't learn to do them well myself?  That is what I mean by Greatness of Soul.  And I can only learn such things from those who are far better at them than I.

That's why Abigail Adams, Lincoln, Washington, and the others were so refreshing to learn about tonight.  They have Greatness of Soul.  Their stories have survived the years.  They, too, raised families, but despite all of the urgent things required of their time, they also cultivated their souls.  These, and others, are who I ought to study, so this year, I will.

I've rambled.  I'm sure I haven't answered any questions for anyone who may read this, but I don't care, because the important thing is that I've answered the question I've had.

Q:  What is the goal/focus of 2014?
A:  Greatness of Soul

2014, bring it on.

Christmas and other recent activities

Turning 30

The last week has been full of lots of wonderful excitement and fun.  Exactly a week ago, my dear husband hit the big 3-0.  Happy birthday, honey!  You're STILL older than me, and did I mention that you're old?  :)

Preparing for Christmas

The family fun started on December 23rd.  Chase had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, and because of planned festivities with extended family, we decided to have just our Christmas on Christmas Eve morning.  But it all started the night before.  Lily didn't know it yet, but this was her last night sleeping in her crib:

After Chase finished reading her stories and putting her to bed, the fun started!  We got the box from its hiding place in the garage and started assembling the most adorable toddler bed ever.  It would have gone together smoothly had I not messed up reading the directions... On the final step, we realized that I had transposed a couple of the main bed frame pieces.  Oops!  So we had to disassemble practically the whole thing and flip things around.  (Thanks, Chase, for noticing, fixing it, and not making a big deal about it.)  Once the bed was assembled, we added the mattress, bedding pillows, and I got out the wrapping paper and a big bow:

Initially Chase was skeptical - why would we give our daughter a piece of furniture for Christmas when we needed to give it to her (logistically) anyway?  Since Baby Bit Francl is due in April, Lily needs to move out of the crib, and the bed seemed too utilitarian of a gift to him at first.  But ultimately, it was THE BEST part of Christmas!

"Christmas" Morning

I have a video of Christmas morning, but it's not uploading for some reason.  It starts with Chase and I going to get Lily out of her crib.  I carry her out to the living room where she says "Oh!" and points to the Christmas tree.  We talk about the big present, and when I ask her what she thinks it is, she tells me "It's a crib!"  I ask how she knows it's a crib as she pulls off the wrapping paper.  When she sees what's under the wrapping she says, "It's a bed!" and climbs aboard, where she stays for the remainder of the video.  She sat on it while she opened her stocking and all of her other presents.  So cute!

I love this little face:

She's SO proud of her new big girl bed!  After stockings we had breakfast, then opened the rest of the presents that were hanging out under the tree.  Then moving the crib out and the bed in started.  Lily was SUPER "helpful" as Chase took the crib apart.  She wanted to be part of getting that old thing out.  We vacuumed, moved the rocking chair, and put her big girl bed in a different place in the room than her crib.  Once we got it all arranged, she climbed in:

I seriously can't even express how thrilled she was.  And thus, her excitement quite matched my own (I have been giddy to give her this bed for months!), and even Chase admitted, in retrospect, that the big girl bed was the best gift this Christmas.  :)  We spent the rest of the day at home - Chase napped, and while he napped Lily tried to nap.  When it really came down to it, the big girl bed was just too exciting.  She was sitting in her new bed and Chase tossed one of her stuffed animals to her.  She tossed it on the floor just so she could get out of bed, pick up the stuffed animal, and get back in.  Freedom!

Excited as I was for her big girl bed, I still want her to nap.  And the truth is, she still needs a nap!  On Christmas Eve, I ended up laying on the floor by her bed for an hour and a half while neither of us napped.  It was cute to watch her play quietly in her bed, but I realized that I couldn't do that everyday - my aching hips and shoulders told me so!  But, I figured, if she didn't nap, she'd sleep well all night!

Christmas Eve Night

We finished Christmas Eve with Mom and my sister, eating clam chowder and playing games.  Lily went down at her normal bed time and never once got out of bed.  Chase and I went to bed at midnight, but at 3am I heard it.  A cry.  I went to Lily's room and she had lost her pacifier.  (Please don't judge me.  I know she's 2.  We'll get rid of it... eventually.  I'm just not ready for that yet!)  So I found it for her, tucked her in, turned on her music box, and went back to bed.  For the next hour, I listened to her turn her music box on over and over and over again.

At 4am, I went in and told her this was the last time she could turn on her music.  She bawled.  So I grabbed my pillow and a blanket and figured, "She'll be asleep in a few minutes."  WRONG.  I laid there on the floor next to her bed from 4am to 6am.  She didn't try to get out of bed, she didn't fuss, she didn't talk to me, she just didn't sleep.  *sigh*  Here are some thoughts that went through my head as I was awake in those wee hours:

• I'm not ready for the infant phase again.
• I'm so glad I'm not Mary 2,000 years ago, pushing out the Savior of the World on this night
• That was not a silent night
• Will this toddler bed be worth it?
• Maybe we should have left the crib up
• Lily's never going to be able to sleep with her Baby Bit Francl sharing the same room
• I hope she sleeps for at least a few hours more
• Lily's going to be a mess for the big Francl Family Christmas on Christmas Day
• I'm grateful that I get to sleep on my toddler's floor - she is a blessing and someday I will wish that I could live this night again.

None the less, by this point, I had hope that she might drift off if I wasn't there for her to watch.

I got up, told her that she needed to go to sleep, turned on her music box, and went back to my bed.  After 20 minutes, I thought we had won the battle - I didn't hear her, and I thought the music should have shut off again.  However, 20 minutes after that, she cried again.  I grabbed the egg crate mattress pad from the closet, my 3 pillows, my big comforter (Chase and I each have our own), and made a semi-comfy bed on the floor next to the big girl bed.  *sigh*  After being awake from 3-7am, I told Lily she needed to go to sleep, I laid down on the floor by her bed, turned my back to her, and waited.  It took about 7 minutes and she FINALLY fell asleep.  We all slept till 10am on Christmas Day!

Christmas Day

After a leisurely morning, we headed to Chase's parents' house for the day.  Lily (who was now used to big presents), found the biggest present and tried to claim it.  Turned out it was for Grandma Gayle, but Lily had fun sitting on it.  :)

With lots of activity all day, I was actually glad to be at the Francl grandparents' where Lily was used to sleeping in the pack n play.  So that's where she actually napped that day *whew!*  After nap and before supper, we opened presents.  Lily got a ball in one of her gifts, and here she is concentrating on learning to catch.  (Truth be told, she didn't actually catch the ball when I took the picture, but she's getting much better - her daddy works with her regularly on her ball handling skills.)

After Christmas

From her cousin Ella, Lily got a Hello Kitty tent and sleeping bag - these have quickly become favorites around our house.  On the 26th, Lily and I cleaned the house and put everything away while Chase was at work.  I took down Lily's kitchen set (which was in our extra-wide hallway) to make room for her Hello Kitty tent.  This was a good move.  We'll get the kitchen set out again sometime after Baby Bit joins us, I think.

The tent is a 3ft x 4 ft tent with a total height around 3 ft at the center.  It's super cute, but I can attest that pregnant mommy doesn't fit in it very well...  That didn't stop us from putting the bean bag in there and snuggling in for some reading time tonight.  Lily didn't seem to mind that my feet stuck out the end!

Fish n Chips

In other news, we now have fish.  I can't remember if I've blogged about them yet or not - I know I've put them on Facebook.  It wasn't really planned that we'd get fish.  Chase and I just went to my work Christmas party at which there was a white elephant gift exchange.  I was thrilled to have a number kind of in the middle-end.  29 out or 40.  Perfect.  It meant there'd be plenty of good stuff out there to steal, but I would have options on the gift table too.

I was leaning toward stealing these coffee mugs from one of my coworkers.  (There is a perfect shape of coffee mug - I've only ever known 1 cup with exactly that shape.  It's curved so that when you cup your hands around it, they both fit perfectly, but then the lip of the cup comes out so it's easy to drink... yeah. I met this cup when I worked at Hillsdale College.  We fought over the cup.  Whoever got into the office first in a given day got it.  I've been trying to find another one ever since.  *sigh*)  The mugs were close to the right shape, but they weren't quite there.  So instead, I stole the "Fish n Chips" bag - a can of Pringles, a small container of fish food, and 2 live Walmart goldfish!

Chase was less than supportive - he didn't think fish were a good idea.  (I'm not sure if he's come around to them or not, yet.)  But none of the last 11 people stole them from me - CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?  I made out like a bandit!   :)

Lily was THRILLED with her fish.  Chase lovingly helped her name them "Chovi" and "Ann."  They get fed 2x daily, and they get talked about SO much more than that.  Lily loves them!  They've kind of become community supported fish.  Originally, I borrowed a big vase from my mom for them, but another coworker (not the one I got the fish from) offered to give us a small fish tank with a little castle in it.  Today while we were shopping, Lily picked out pink gravel for the tank, and we got water conditioner to make tap water safe for little "Ann" and "Chovi."

Tomorrow (once the water has had time to adjust to room temp), they move from the vase ghetto with filthy water to a 3 room mansion with sparklingly clear water:

And there is a little girl who can't quit talking about getting them moved:

Lily

She is simply the best.  Becoming a parent does things to your perspective.  No longer is it about having things I want, but rather I want what will make her experience of the world around her more enjoyable and exciting.  She's hit this phase in the last week or two where she is making longer sentences or statements (like, "Mommy, look! There's a Hello Kitty ornament on our Christmas tree!").  And she gets so excited to get the idea out that she stumbles around in the middle of the sentence because her mouth can't keep up with her thoughts.  It's absolutely adorable and wonderful!  And, I think, the vast majority of moms out there know exactly what I mean.

I've often wondered at Christmas time about Mary.  It's impossible to imagine what life was like for her.  I mean, how did they even cut the umbilical cord (as my sis-in-law pointed out)?  Not to mention how did she feel with a bunch of delusional, stinky, dirty shepherds with some crazy story about angels coming to see her baby.  Was she seriously up for that visit?  But I don't wonder if she was delighted in seeing her children take delight in the world around them.  She did.  And while Christmas is about Christ and the Gift of Life He brings to us, it's also a reminder to delight.  Delight in the little things, delight in the gifts, delight in our families, delight in life, and delight in One Who Gives Life.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

The Francls 

Parenting in the midst of it all

Do you ever feel like you fulfill your role as a parent in the middle of everything else?  Not that parenting takes a backseat or second place, but rather that it's kind of like the antivirus software on your computer - always running, trying to protect and prevent, despite what other programs you're running?

That's how I've felt the last few weeks.  We fuss about being "busy" all the time, and I don't mean to lament the wonderful privileges we have in our 1st world country.  But life has been full of lots of "things" lately:  Christmas parties, present wrapping, shopping, celebration, funerals, mourning, work, exhaustion, baby-growing, (did I mention exhaustion?), baking, dishes, scooping snow, etc.  They've been good.  They've been necessary.  Many have been fun, some have been so hard.  But amidst them all, I must be a mom.

It's weird.  I watched my mom through all my growing up years and even now, and she just does it all with ease.  Mom to 4, grandma to 1 (plus one on the way) so far, big house, full time work (now that the kids are grown), big yard, garden, sewing projects, baking, cooking, not overly exhausted, not too tired to sit and talk, not cranky, not overwhelmed. Sigh.  Will my children ever see me that way?

Or maybe they do, and I don't because I just have too many expectations of myself.  Could be, right?  Last week, someone on my Facebook feed posted this great article about toddler tantrums and looking at them in a different way.  Rather than seeing them as your child being purposefully obstinate, a power struggle, or a opportunity to impose discipline, see them as an opportunity to embrace relationship.  Tantrums can be thrown because of a need not met.

For example, Lily throwing herself on the couch rather than getting her coat on because she's tired of being taken somewhere different every day.  "Mom, can we stay home today?" she asked me last week when she woke up one morning.  I nearly burst into tears.  "No, baby.  I'm sorry.  Mommy has to go to work.  But don't you want to go play with Lucky and Boo?"  (Bless our babysitter's cats!)  She perked up and put on her coat.  She needs her mom.  She needs her home.  And I haven't built in enough home-time lately.  That's on me.

Lily is still required to put on her coat when I ask her to, but what if, rather than threatening to get out the spanking spoon (yes, we do spank for deliberate disobedience in our home), what if I took a moment to sit on the floor, pull my baby into my lap and say, "I don't really want to go to work either today, but maybe we could do something especially fun when we get home tonight - like have candy together."  C-A-N-D-Y are magic words right now with my 2 year old.  She will do just about anything for candy, and she thinks it's SUPER special to get to have some.  She remembers - she talks all the way home from the sitter's house about having candy.  It makes the night feel special.  And I took time to validate her need to do something special with Mommy, even if it wasn't spend the whole day together.

Please don't misunderstand.  I'm not suggesting that good parenting is bribing every tantrum away with candy (though wouldn't that be great if it worked?!?).  Rather, I'm reminding myself to take a moment to evaluate the tantrum - is it willful disobedience?  or is it an unmet need that I can hear and validate and help my toddler work through?  I want to teach her to see/hear other people's needs, and I think that starts by hearing hers.  Here's the blog post that got me started on thinking that way:  An alternative view of tantrums and emotional upsets

Also, today, I read this article posted by another friend on FB:  Killing Off Supermom.  What a great reminder.  We ALL stuff dirty dishes in dishwashers and/or ovens when company comes.  Who really makes the bed every morning?  Seriously.  And don't tell me you don't have a pile of mail "to be dealt with" somewhere in your house.  We all have it (and we all hate it).  *As an aside, that's the great thing about email!  You can have TONS of unopened email, and it doesn't clutter counters or tables AT ALL!!!!*

It's good to keep a tidy house, to teach children to pick up, to teach our families that a way we show honor and respect to those who come into our home is to provide a safe, tidy place for everyone to enjoy each other.  BUT the critical thing is not to do those things at the expense of relationship with our family and friends.

Supermom I am not.  Parenting guru I am not.  Work-in-progress-mama-with-much-to-learn-and-needing-grace-from-my-family-and-friends-as-I-muddle-through...  Yep.  That's me.  And in the midst of it all, I'll parent to the best of my ability and trust that my children will forgive me for all the mistakes I make.  Because afterall, someday, they won't be supermom either.

Thanksgiving, the Christmas Tree, and Celebrating

I hesitate to write, have put off writing, because the things I want to write are light, fluffy, the enjoyable things of life that I want to remember from these days.  They are the little things in which I find joy each day and which just might bring a smile to your face.  But I hesitate because I know so many are hurting so deeply.  I hesitate because I, too, am still hurting deeply.  And painful things continue to happen.  But mixed in with them are the joyful things - the new baby born early but healthy last night, the announcement of new life expected this summer, the anticipation and delight of the season that is Christmas.

I just reread a number of my recent posts.  They range from elation over the discovery that I'm carrying our son to the depths of despair over the loss of precious life.  What a roller coaster we've ridden lately.  Today is going to be lighthearted, mostly.

But before I dive into some light, enjoyable memories from recent days, I want to say something directly to those who I know and love who may read this and are hurting, aching, walking through the valley of the shadow right now:  I ache with you.  Every. Day.  I think of you.  I pray for you.  I pray for your family.  I pray you'll have the strength just to take the next breath, to do the next thing.  Because I know for you it is moment by moment right now.  And I will continue to do so over the coming days and weeks and months.  It's not much, but it's all I can do.  If there is more I can do to support you, simply say the word and I will be there.  However, I also must live the life that was dealt to me.  These light musings that I am about to write are in no way meant to hurt, to hinder, to gloat, or in any way to assume that I am "more blessed" than you.  No.  Indeed, I am not.  We are both creations dearly loved by the same God, and to honor Him we must both live today, whatever that looks like in either of our lives. 

Lily-isms

Since Halloween, Lily has become more and more aware of the availability of candy in her world.  Grandma's house has always held treasures such as Hello Kitty fruit snacks and Smartees, but now she's figured out that we have candy in our house too - I've just been hiding it.  Monday during breakfast, Lily saw the package of Hello Kitty fruit snacks Grandma had left for her and began immediately to negotiate to get them.  "Can I have the Hello Kitty fruit snacks?" she asked.  "No.  It's breakfast time.  We can't have fruit snacks for breakfast," I replied.  "Please, please, please, pleeeeeease?" she begged.  (Seriously.  Where does she learn this stuff?!?)  "No," I said.  "You can have them for a snack after your nap."  Keep in mind that this is breakfast.  At 8:30am.  She gets up from her nap at about 3:30pm.  I figured she'd forget.  Later that day I heard her in her crib waking up from her nap.  I went in to get her, and I was greeted with, "Hello Kitty fruit snacks?"  She got what she wanted.

Today in the grocery store she was walking along beside the coat and we had to go down the candy aisle to get chocolate stars for making cookies.  "I need a sucker, Mom," she said as she put her little hand on a bag of Tootsie Pops.  "No, we can't get those.  I'm sorry."  "Please, please, please, pleeeeease?!?" she begs as a grocery store employee walks by trying to hide his snickering.  *sigh*  She didn't get the sucker.

Lately, Lily has become very VERY girly.  She brings me the nail polish and asks to have her nails painted at least twice a week.  At 2 years old, she picks the color she wants (always pink), sits still while I paint her nails, and then helps me blow on them until they're dry.  Additionally, she has discovered the delight of a floofy skirt that spins well.  I'd been waiting to break out her Christmas dress until after Thanksgiving, but she spotted it in her closet the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  The sequins, fur trimmed sleeves, and floofy skirt were all too much.  She begged to wear it.  And I thought, why not?  Here she is trying out a spin in it: 

She was THRILLED to be wearing it!

And she struck a pose or two just to show it off.  Lily is very shy in new situations, but in our home or in places she's used to she can be a real ham. :)

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was particularly hard for me to celebrate in my spirit this year.  Just so much pain going on.  And, yes, I know "in all things give thanks."  I know.  But seriously, sometimes when I hear that, I just want to tell people to take it and shove it.  Christ was thankful, but he wept bitterly too.  It's ok to weep and be sad and it doesn't mean that you're not thankful.

Ok, now that I've got that out of the way, we did have a very nice Thanksgiving with family.  I really didn't take many pictures of it at all, so I'll just have to write a bit about it so I remember all that happened.  We started out at my mom's house on Thanksgiving Day for lunch.  Despite not having a working oven (hers broke on Monday or Tuesday of that week and it still isn't fixed...) she served us all the traditional dishes - she only had me bake the pie.  We had turkey (done in the roaster), stuffing (Stove Top - it's the only good kind anyway), green bean casserole (done in the crockpot and transferred to dish warmed in the roaster after the turkey came out and the french fried onion topping was finished with the creme brule blow torch), sweet potato casserole (sweet potatoes boiled and then cut into the casserole dish, topped with sweet sauce and marshmallows and then torched with the creme brule blow torch), mashed potatoes (kept warm in the 2nd crock pot), gravy, salad, fresh bread (made in the bread machine) pumpkin pie (which I baked the morning of), strawberry rhubarb pie (which my sister-in-law baked and brought), and chocolate pie.  All this for the 7 of us and with no oven.  Martha Stewart has nothing on my mom!!!  It was a magnificent feast!

We went from Mom's house to Chase's parents' house after Lily woke up from her nap.  She couldn't wait for cousins Tyus, Ella and Zion to get to grandma's house to play with her!  When everyone arrived, we sat down to a feast of a blessedly different sort: pork loin, baked beans, jello salads, rolls, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin and apple pies.  Mmmm.  Delish!  A couple hours of playing, and the cousins headed for home.  Lily was spending the night with her grandparents, so Chase and I took our time getting our things together.

Chase and his dad have a thing for ping-pong.  There's a table in Chase's parents' basement, and when the two of them play, it's intense.  Like play-so-hard-that-they-get-so-sweaty-that-they-need-showers-or-a-change-of-clothes intense.  So at about 8 that night, the two of them played 4 games.  By the time they were done it was 8:35 or so.  Lily, Gayle and I had watched the competition, and we all sat a while to talk in the basement afterward.

Lily kept heading for the stairs. I told her not to go up them - if she went up them, I'd put her to bed.  A couple of minutes later, she told me she wanted to go upstairs.  I asked if she wanted to go to bed, and she nodded, so I shrugged my shoulders and carried her upstairs to where Gayle had the pack-n-play set up.  Lily was already in her jammies, but her things were spread all over the room.  As I gathered her shoes, clothes, and diapers to contain them in her bag, I looked up.  Lily had thrown her pillow in the pack-n-play, she had thrown her blanket in, she was throwing her stuffed animal in, and then she got her pacifier and threw it in and looked up at me.  I just had to laugh!  Here I was not worried at all about her bed time (it was 30 mins later than she usually goes to bed), and she's practically putting herself to bed at age 2!  How did I get a kid like this???  :)  Suffice it to say, she went right to sleep when I finally listened to her and put her in bed...

The reason Lily stayed at her grandparents' house was because Chase and I had tickets to the game on Friday.  Or... at least we thought we did.  A coworker had given them to Chase, and he'd left them at his office.  So Thursday night we drove from Chase's parents' house to his office where he ended up not finding the tickets.  We shrugged our shoulders and figured they were at home, so we headed the 30 miles home.  We searched the house, Chase's car, my car, EVERYWHERE and could NOT find the tickets when we got home.  So Chase called a coworker who was with family near the office that night, and the coworker promised to go look for them.  Fortunately, they were found in the very last file searched in the office.  The coworker lives near us, and brought them by our house early on Friday morning, the morning of the game.

As we rushed out the door to get on the road, I saw the envelope labeled "Football tickets" laying on the kitchen table and grabbed it.  As I got into the car, Chase saw it in my hand and said, "We don't need to bring that.  I put the tickets in my wallet."  "Oh," I said.  "It feels like there's something in here."  I reached in and pulled out one ticket.  Chase had inadvertently only grabbed one ticket when he put "them" in his wallet!  It was a miracle we made it to the game with tickets at all, but we did and had a great time despite the loss...

We ended the Thanksgiving celebrations on Saturday with my dad's side's big family get together.  Each year we play bingo for gifts rather than getting stockings or other gifts.  Everyone brings a few $1-$5 items for the bingo table, and Grandma gets stuff all year long.  This year, I swear, the bingo gift "table" was bigger than ever!  It took 4 8-foot tables to hold and display all of the shampoo, bags, candy, hats, gloves, kitchen items, kids toys, etc that made up the loot.  There were only about 30 of the family members there, so we all came home with a huge haul!

In addition to celebrating Thanksgiving, we also celebrated Grandma and Grandpa's 60th wedding anniversary, which was this fall.  Grandpa wore his suit that he wore 60 years ago, and Grandma still fit in her wedding dress (can you believe it!?!).  The family sat around and they told stories of their dating, engagement, and early years of marriage.  Grandpa was funny - he said he never really went steady with a girl, because he'd just watch for someone better to come along.  When he found Grandma, he guessed he couldn't do any better!  The stories of their dating mostly revolved around the times they were either dancing or "parking."  We were all absolutely cracking up!  Someone let the air out of all 4 of their tires once when they were in GI and they had to figure out how to get home.  And their early married years were stories of kids in the pond, moving from one farm to another (they've lived on 3 different farms), and the like.  It was really special to hear that stuff straight from them.

Setting up the Christmas Tree

With Thanksgiving safely behind us, it was time to dive into my very favorite holiday of the year.  Say what you will about commercialization, shopping, and rushing, but Christmas to me is about celebrating the Christ child.  Even in the midst of great hurt, pain, suffering, and loss, I find it easy, even more sweet, to celebrate Jesus' birth.  Because without His coming, eternal life would forever elude us.  Many say that Easter is the greater holiday, and it is absolutely necessary and reason to celebrate, but I've always found Christmas to be the holiday I hold dearest.  Without Christmas there could be no Easter.  You're entitled to your own opinion, and I respect that.  But Christmas is my favorite.

So on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, we put up our Christmas tree:

It probably doesn't look like anything special to you, and that's ok.  It's my family's tree, and it's special and beautiful because it's the way we celebrate together.  I got the tree at the Thrift Store in town for $15 last year.  It was pre-lit, but the lights didn't work, and I spent a day trying to fix them before caving and just cutting all the lights out of the tree.  That, in itself, was a 2-man, 4-hour, up-till-2am process, but it left us with this perfectly shaped, perfectly full tree that I love.  Hundreds of lights go on first, then two colors of garland, a lighted star on top, and tons of ornaments that tell the story of our lives.

I don't know how you decorate your tree, but ours is mostly ornaments bought at a store that represent something from our lives.  My grandmother gave me an ornament each year, starting the year I was born, and ending sometime when I was in college.  My mother gave us ornaments at different times, and I gave Chase some throughout our early dating and married years.  I've gotten Lily some ornaments, of course, and when we travel, Chase and I buy ornaments to remember all the places we've gone.

So when we decorate our tree, we take a walk down memory lane.  I got the tree up, lights on, garland strung, and star situated while Lily napped.  Then when she got up, we began hanging ornaments.  This was the first ornament out of the box:

Lily gasped when she first saw the tree after her nap, "Ah!  A Christmas tree!"  And then when she picked up this Hello Kitty ornament, it was nearly too much for her.  She couldn't stop talking about how much she liked this silly little tin ornament.  I would hand Chase and ornament to put on the tree, and he'd ask Lily, "Where should I put this one?"  She'd reply, "Next to Hello Kitty!"  Now, days later, she likes to point to the ornament and say, "This one is my fwavorwite!"

Speaking of handing Chase ornaments to put on the tree...  Most of our ornaments are individually boxed, like Hallmark ornaments, and I keep the boxes for each one so that from year to year they're safely stored away in their original packaging.  It takes a lot of careful effort to get them all out, so this year, I unwrapped them and Chase hung them.  We all have our own theories about decorating trees.  I put the ones I love, the ones that mean a lot to me, the cute ones, in front.  The heavy ones have to go on sturdy branches, the breakable ones toward the top, etc...

Chase has a different decorating scheme.  He groups things.  He put all the angel ornaments together in one spot on the tree for the "angel choir."  He put the Looney Tunes characters together on another part of the tree, he saved "prime real estate" at the front of the tree until the very end just in case there was better ornaments coming.  Our neighbors through our window have a FANTASTIC view of a lot of ornaments I would have put front and center, but he was decorating this year...  Also, he put all the dog ornaments in the "dog pound" on the far side of the tree from Hello Kitty.  Wouldn't want her to be scared.  But don't worry, the dogs aren't being punished too harshly.  They have the perfect view of cable TV from their position in the pound.  Of course that also means that the people on the TV shows we watch have a better view of many of our ornaments than we do, but who am I to judge...  (Behold, the dog pound:)  

(And the angel choir:)

The prime real estate that Chase saved?  Well, this was one of the ornaments that got it:

How, exactly, is an RV festive?  It's not.  But it's Chase's favorite ornament, so it gets front and center.

Christmas is special.  It's not special because of food or decorations or programs or songs or presents.  But those are all ways we celebrate special things.  It is the birth of the Christ Child that makes Christmas special, and in our culture we use food, decor, programs, songs, and presents to celebrate.  So I will celebrate.  I will celebrate because my God sent His Perfect Son to step down from the glory of Heaven.  The streets there are made of gold there - do you get that?  The most precious metal we have here on Earth is used as cement there.  Imagine what the trees, mansions, the life there must be like!  Christ gave that up.  To be born in a stable.  To enter the world just like each of us does, through the pained labor of his mother.  To walk on dirt.  To live in comparative utter poverty and filth.  For you.  For me.  Such sacrifice.  Such selflessness.  Such a Savior.  Such a reason to celebrate.

Merry Christmas.

Humor in the midst

We've had a rough go of it around here, in our little community.  In the last week alone, we've lost to cancer a fantastic guy who was a great husband and a father of two young children, and we've lost a 2 year old little pixie of a girl.  One death "expected" and so agonizing, the other utterly shocking.  These are the two I know personally, the two for whom I wept bitterly.  I know of at least 7 other losses tangentially through various people and a number of others going through great suffering of other kinds too.

"When it rains it pours," so the saying goes.  Well, I'm ready for a drought.  P.L.E.A.S.E.

My heart has been so heavy in my chest that while I've accomplished those necessary things, I've struggled to be happy.  I've felt guilty that I don't have to live those nightmares.  I've been heavily burdened as I know so many in our community have been as well.  We mourn with those who mourn, and that is good.

But tonight I was finally able to laugh.  Not just a smile, not just a courtesy laugh.  A real, deep, from-the-depths-of-my-soul and with-my-whole-being laugh.  And as I sat alone in my living room watching my 21-week pregnant belly jiggle with laughter, I realized how heavy a load I'd been carrying.  I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders and relish the freedom of humor.

I never know who, exactly, reads these things I write, but I do know that a number of you are as heavily burdened lately as I am, so this is for you...

One of my favorite blogs to read, every now and then when I get a chance, is Crappy Pictures.  It's a mom who draws crappy pictures and tells funny stories of her family, mostly her two boys, (roughly) ages 3 and 5.  I'll warn you, it's not the "sweet" kind of mom blog, but the kind that makes you giggle out loud as you read, sometimes shocked at the bluntness, but grateful for the humorous point of view.

Tonight, what broke the burden, made me laugh hysterically such that my husband called from the other room to see what the fuss was about, was a post from the Crappy Pictures blog.

Serious things lie ahead.  Tomorrow we will remember in a memorial service a little life ended almost before it started.  But even in the midst of hurt and pain and sorrow and burden, laughter is such a good thing.  It heals.

I hope you enjoy... Jedi Names*

Also, a quick little Lily-ism.  She woke up this morning saying, "I wag my tail."  That was the first thing she told her dad when he went to get her out of her crib and the first thing she told me when he brought her to me in our bedroom.  I SO wonder what she dreamed...

*(For those not "internet savvy," click on the phrase "Jedi Names" above - it's a link that will take you to the funny blog that made me laugh.  Also, isn't it great that no one knows who reads these instructions before understanding what to do?  You don't have to tell anyone you're "internet clueless" - You can pretend you're internet savvy, like, "oh yeah, I totally knew what that link was without reading those extra instructions."  For all those who needed these instructions, I'll just say, you're welcome that I included them.  Now go read the blog and laugh!)