Monday, June 12, 2023

Laughter

I wrote the following short story on a whim one Saturday this spring to enter in the Bess Streeter Aldrich Foundation's Short Story Contest.  Aldrich wrote A Lantern in Her Hand, a "heart book" for me.  I submitted it at literally the very last minute and sent it to only a couple of people certain to be charitable. You can imagine my shock, incredulity, and delight when I received an email a month later informing me that I'd won the adult division!  

Inspired by stories I've heard from my grandparents and those of my husband, I give you first (and only) short story...

Laughter

The cool of the crisp gray sky penetrated the rows of corn stalks above her.  From where she landed on her back in between the rows, she looked up into it and couldn’t believe she was here. The baby kicked inside her, whether in protest or delight she wasn’t sure.  And then it all struck Dorothy as funny, and she laughed.  With her laugh escaped emotions that had been held captive but building in number and strength in the depths of her soul over the last 15 months.    

She and Ed had loved each other as long as she could remember.  When she was only 4 and her parents had moved to the homestead, Ed’s family had come to be part of the barn raising that introduced the newly arrived Wallace family to the community.  Ed, being the dashing and capable 6.5 year old he was, had earnestly helped the men and watched them work, soaking in so much that he would need to know in the future.  But when the dinner bell rang and the platters heaped with food covered the table, Ed disappeared.  

A short time later he reappeared with a purple crocus in hand.  Where he’d found the flower that chilly early spring day, Dorothy never knew. But as he handed it to her and silently walked away, she felt her innocent, tender heart follow him, and there it had always been - with him.

In the one room schoolhouse, they never really talked to each other though there was a kind of silent appreciation, each for the other, between the two. By the sixth grade Ed could out run in speed or distance any of the 8th graders, and he excelled at arithmetic.  Dorothy was a friend to all the girls, jumping rope, playing cat’s cradle, and first in her class at spelling and writing.

By Thanksgiving of his 8th grade year, Ed was the head of his class.  But his father was building the Frank family a new house and needed Ed’s help to get it finished before spring planting. Ed traded his slate and chalk for a hammer and nails, but was no less adept at his new occupation.  The walls were perfectly square, the trim perfectly finished, and the house ready just ahead of planting. Dorothy missed watching Ed from a distance at school.  None of the other boys were as interesting or handsome to her eyes.  

They’d loved each other all their short lives, and when they were old enough nothing would keep Ed from courting Dorothy.  Nothing except the spring rains and the muddy river of a road that passed for the Wallace’s driveway.  The spring of Dorothy’s 16th year, the rains were so incessant and the ground so reluctant to soak away the deluge that the Wallaces simply couldn’t get off their homestead.  When the half-mile drive was finally passable in the early days of June, Ed came courting every Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.  At 18 years of age, he was tall, handsome, confident, and ready to claim his bride.

But economics got in the way of their marriage.  Ed’s help on his family’s farm was essential just then in his 18th year.  His father’s broken leg in April and slow recovery had made Ed the man of the Frank family and head of the farm for this season.  His two sisters, ages 15 and 12, couldn’t take over the heavy labor of the farm.  And his two youngest siblings, twin boys age 8, were good help, but far too young to run things.  The quarter of farm ground near the river that his dad had promised Ed to help him get his start sat untouched all spring and summer.  

But young true love finds a way.  So one sunny Saturday morning that fall, Ed picked Dorothy up in the old Model-T he’d bought the year before. Under the guise of a picnic with friends from a nearby town, the two drove away through the golden fields almost ready for picking to secretly start their future together.  It took them three hours to get to the courthouse where Ed had made arrangements with a justice of the peace to legally marry them.  In the shade of a giant cottonwood tree by the river, they celebrated their nuptials over the picnic lunch Dorothy had packed.  Then they drove the three hours back to the Wallace homestead where Ed walked Dorothy to the door, shook her father’s hand, smiled at her mother, and thanked them for the pleasure of spending the day with their daughter.  Cheeks still flushed just from the picnic in the warm sunshine, or so her parents thought, Dorothy uttered not a word of their adventure to her parents. Ed quietly returned to his parents’ home, giving nothing away to his family.  

The letter and newspaper clipping that came in the mail 2 weeks later to Ed’s parents from their second cousins who lived just a few hours west revealed all.  With congratulations to the happy couple and the newspaper’s record that Ed and Dorothy had purchased a marriage license, the newlyweds’ cover was blown.  Ed still had to help with the family’s harvest before he could begin building the simple two-room house on the land down by the river that would be theirs.  

That fall was full of hopes and dreams for Dorothy and the hard work of bringing dreams to reality for Ed. A mere three months after their legal marriage in September, Ed and Dorothy finally moved into the cozy little cottage nestled in the grove of cedars and cottonwoods along the river. 

They were on their own, living their dream together. All their lives, they would remember that first Christmas together as one of their favorites.  They had no money to buy each other gifts.  Every penny they found had gone to purchase necessities for the winter or to pay for the building supplies for their home. The windows were bare of any curtains, but the winter’s frost and the cover of the grove gave privacy. The wood floor had only one small rag rug by the bed, but the wood floor was a luxury over dirt.  They had food and supplies enough for the winter, and they had each other. That was all they really wanted.

One blizzard followed another late that winter, and the sun took its time melting the drifts and warming the earth.  The day he finally finished the spring planting, Ed came into the cottage to find Dorothy not herself.  She’d prepared supper for him but couldn’t eat any herself, and by the next morning, she was ill and unable to get out of bed.  After two days of no improvement, Ed called the doctor.  The examination revealed that the illness wasn’t an illness at all.  Dorothy was pregnant.  The baby would arrive early in January.  Shock, disbelief, fear, and joy flashed across Ed’s face before finally settling into excitement at the doctor’s announcement. A baby!

One of Dorothy’s younger sisters tramped a path the 3 miles along the river between her parent’s home and her sister’s during those early days of pregnancy.  She helped Dorothy with the cooking and cleaning as often as she was able, and it was that help that kept the growing family in the little cottage afloat.  By the time of the Annual Independence Day Celebration in town, Dorothy had finally returned to herself and was able to shoulder her share of the responsibilities again.  

“Knee high by the 4th of July,” for corn they said, but that year only a few fields had reached such heights.  Ed surveyed his crops with a look of consternation and concern.  What would he do if the snow came early this year? Dorothy set her jaw and held her tongue about her own concerns.  No sense adding to the weight already on Ed’s shoulders.  Besides, worrying wouldn’t speed the corn’s growth or stop the snow.  

A long Indian Summer stretched throughout the fall so that by Thanksgiving the crops were finally ready for picking.  Dorothy felt almost ripe too, ready to hold the fruits of her labors in her arms. Just 6 more weeks until the baby was due to arrive. 

Just 6 more weeks, but there was so much to do on the small farm with the cottage in the grove by the river.  Final preparations for the baby’s arrival had to be made, but first and foremost, the crops had to be harvested.  And as the entire community shared the necessity of the late harvest, everyone took to their fields.  Everyone including Ed and Dorothy.

The crisp gray sky spread above them, cloudy but not the kind of clouds that threaten rain or snow.  The coolness of the day wasn’t sharp enough to penetrate sturdy wool clothing on working bodies.  The cornstalks stood at orderly attention awaiting their undressing.  

As they started, Ed took 6 rows, giving the very pregnant Dorothy just 2 to harvest.  Dorothy’s competitive nature dared her swollen belly to slow her.  She would keep up with Ed, even beat him to the other end of their assigned rows, she silently vowed to herself.  They moved through the field pitching the ears of corn into the wagon pulled by Bess, the old plow horse.  

On the first pass, Dorothy kept pace with Ed, not beating him to the end of the rows, but tossing her last ear into the wagon just as he stripped the final ears from his rows.  But with each pass through the field, Dorothy’s belly felt heavier and more in the way, her steps slowed, and her pitches became less accurate.  Ed glanced over at her as he bent to pick up yet another of her bad tosses.  Dorothy’s brows furrowed as she turned away from him in frustration. It was frustration at herself and her inability to make her body do what she needed it to. She suggested a break for water and the morning’s snack she had brought for them.  As they sat on the wagon’s tongue and ate, she again vowed to herself that she would keep up.

But the next pass through the field was the worst one yet.  Ed was picking his six rows, plus almost an entire one of hers.  Dorothy’s frustration mounted as she watched Ed creep farther ahead and pick more and more of “her” rows.  That was it.  She’d had it.  She plucked a particularly fat ear off of the stalk beside her, wound up, and hurled the thing not at the wagon, but at Ed’s back.  She put such focus and force into throwing the ear of corn that she missed her next step, lost her balance, and tottered backwards before falling, flat on her back, in between the rows of corn.  

The ear clipped Ed’s heel and he turned to see what had happened.  He found his wife, marooned on her back, bulging belly pointing to the sky, like a turtle turned upside down, unable to get up. Her hard facade cracked, but instead of tears, her laughter rang out through the field.  He grinned as he took a step toward her.  Then he began to laugh too, and once he’d started, the two of them couldn’t stop. He reached for her hand to pull her up, but instead, she pulled him down into the row beside her, and they laughed. 

They laughed away the years of waiting to spend forever with each other, the nerves of sneaking away to be married, the anticipation of being together in their own home, the weight of being penniless, the excitement of a new baby’s coming, and the anxiousness of the late harvest. They laughed for the past they had shared and for the future they looked forward to.  

Ed and Dorothy lay under the cool blanket of the crisp gray sky that penetrated the rows of cornstalks, and they said together, in a way that no words can, that they forgave the hard things of the past and looked forward to the future that they would build together on this little piece of land with the cottage in the grove by the river.

Dear Thomas

Written in November of 2019. Raw and real. And 3.5 years later as I hit "publish," it is just as true.  Dear one, Mamas don't forget.  

Dear Thomas,

I wish you were here.  But I don't.  I'm so glad you are where you are, missing the pain and hard that this world holds.  But, man.  What I wouldn't give to hold your warm, breathing, alive self.  Whisper to you how much you are loved.  Put your darling face on the wall with your siblings as you all smile back at me.

But, dear one, it was not ordained to be.  Instead, I have the gift of you always.  You, my twin I got to know so little.  I'm not sure how the heart can hold so much all at once.  I am so grateful for you.  I am so grateful I got to know you in so far as I could.  I am so broken that you're not here.  I am in agony that you're not beside your twin. 

But let's go back and remember our journey together, my dear one.  It all started in early March, 2019...

I desperately wanted to be pregnant.  I'd had "baby fever" for a while, and we had finally agreed to go ahead and see if we could conceive.  I was desperate to know if we had.  I researched which pregnancy tests to take, how early I could take one, and how likely it was to be accurate.  I'd planned to take a test on Friday.  But then, I changed my mind.  I took one Tuesday morning, first thing, instead - a super sensitive one. 

Two lines.  Pregnant.  Elation!

Well, I thought, that didn't take long to show up.  I wonder if it would've mattered if I'd waited till afternoon (they say your most likely to get a positive first thing in the morning).  I took a less sensitive test Tuesday afternoon.

A blue plus sign.  Pregnant.  It wouldn't have mattered! 

I took a picture of the two pregnancy tests beside each other - one pink, one blue - and thought how great it was to know so soon.  I wondered then if there was significance to the two tests, to the pink and the blue.  It would be fun, I thought, if it was twins.  But I wouldn't really let myself go there - twins are a dream I'd long ago retired.

By 4 weeks I was napping every afternoon.  I worked to get things ready for first trimester as soon as I knew I was pregnant - meals in the freezer, projects wrapped up, house in order.

The exhaustion I began to feel was unlike anything I'd felt before.  I laid in bed with 3 weeks' worth of laundry filling baskets all over our room, and I ignored them.  I could hardly lift my drink to my lips, let alone care for my family.  I remember making supper one evening, bringing a pillow and blanket into the kitchen so I could lay down between putting the water on, putting the noodles in, and draining the cooked pasta.

Saturdays and Sundays consisted of me getting up to get breakfast for everyone, then getting back in bed.  Chase would manage the kids while I rested all afternoon.  I was so exhausted I simply didn't care how beautiful the day was.  I remember one Saturday in particular, Chase was playing with the kids outside on a perfect spring afternoon.  They giggled, mowed the lawn, shouted encouragement, and simply were having the best time.  I remember wanting to want to be outside with them, but I just couldn't muster up the strength to go to the window to look out at what they were doing.

Morning sickness wasn't bad - I never threw up - but I was queasy most of the time.  Salty things tasted good.  I could convince myself to eat eggs with ketchup, toast with butter, grilled cheese, and the like.  Sweets were not appealing in any way.

The first week of April, I was 9 weeks along, when we went in for our first appointment.  I'd intended to wait till 12 weeks, but we were concerned something was wrong because of my exhaustion. 

There was a simple answer:  twins.  You and your sister. 

Perfect little hearts beating away, babies both over the 95% for size and growing beautifully.  Everything checked out well.

The next three weeks I spent trying to wrap my head around twins, grieving the loss of the freedom a singleton allows that twins don't, trying to figure out what life would look like and accept that this time things would be different.  Massively different.

At 12 weeks we had our 2nd ultrasound.  Perfect little hearts beating away, babies still growing beautifully.  Everything checked out as expected.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  We'd passed the "vanishing twin" stage.  I was in the lowest risk category for twins - di/di twins in a mom who'd had babies before, over age 30 - this was going to go well.

I took it easy, not doing more than I had to, and caring for myself as best I could.  I can't say energy returned immediately after the first trimester wrapped up, but I was anticipating that I would feel a little better soon.

At 15 weeks we went in for another ultrasound.  We joked as the doctor put the wand on my stomach.  I wasn't paying close attention to the ultrasound image, because the two babies were there, clearly, still tucked safely away in my stomach. 

"Stephani.  This one doesn't have a heartbeat."

Dear one, my world crashed.

"Damn."

I jumped to logistics.  How does this affect the other twin?  How does this affect my care?  What are our next steps?  What do I need to do?  Could it be a mistake? 

My doctor answered my questions and handed me a few tissues.  "It's ok to be sad and cry," she said.  "I know," I responded.  "That will come."

Unsure what to think or do, we walked into the lobby and headed for the car.  We decided we were simply going to tell the kids that there was a problem with one of the babies and that we'd see a specialist about it soon.  We told our parents the truth - no heartbeat - and we prayed for God's healing hand to do the impossible miracle.

A week later, Chase and I went to Omaha to the specialists office where it was confirmed - no heartbeat.  Baby, I don't know why your heart stopped beating.  I pray it was nothing I did, and I don't struggle with guilt over it.  I read every twin book that got good reviews.  I followed the recommendations.  I did my best to care for you.  I'm so sorry I couldn't do more.

Your sister got an excellent report from the specialists - "She's an overachiever," they told me.  "I know," I replied.  That's the kind of babies we make - the best kind.

They told me you would likely reabsorb into the placenta.  They told me there may not be much of you, if any, at birth.  They told me they weren't sure what we would find when you were born.

Thus commenced the next 23 weeks of pregnancy.  23 weeks I got to carry your body in mine, though you weren't alive.  23 weeks I continually processed your loss.

I worried that your sister would know me more by my sobs than my laugh.  I worried that something would happen to her too.  I worried that you or she wouldn't feel all the love I have in my heart for each of you.  I read about twinless twins.  You're both twinless twins in different places.  God, won't it be great when we're all together and you can just be twins?

People said things to try and make it better - "at least you're still pregnant" was the most common sentiment, as if I wasn't grateful for your sister and the pregnancy that continued.  People meant well, and I had and have to have grace for their efforts to show love.  That's what people were trying to do. 

I find that seeing other twins doesn't make me hurt, exactly.  I don't just want any twins.  I want YOU.  I want MY twins. 

The second trimester I felt better.  I had energy.  And largely I didn't have to face hard things - I just had to do pregnancy and enjoy summer.  And I got to pretend like nothing happened. 

But then 3rd trimester hit.  My hips and back ached.  But I wanted them to ache more because I was carrying you, still growing.  Instead, they ached and my heart ached because I wanted you too. 

I had to face the fact that I would deliver a singleton.  But not really, because I would deliver you, whatever there was left on this earth of you, anyway.  Questions came up, like my obstetric history.  Had I had a miscarriage?  Well... not yet?  Not really?  Not one that resulted in the compromise of a pregnancy.  And I hadn't miscarried yet.  I still carried you.

36 weeks hit and I lost it.  We would've been planning your induction or c-section at that point.  I would've been monitored regularly to ensure you were safe.  Instead, I'd nested early and had no projects to work on and grief bearing down on me.  How could I do this without really meeting you in the end?

I faced it.  I faced grief.  The waves pulled me under yet again, and I came up on the other side.  Hope rose with the sun the next morning and my battered soul breathed again.  I accepted that I'd be pregnant for a while yet.  It would be a while before I'd meet your sister and you.

38 weeks came last Thursday.  We did an ultrasound and found I had excessive amniotic fluid - not by much, but "technically, you have high amniotic fluid."  Which meant cord prolapse risk in delivery.  My doctor wanted me to do non-stress tests twice weekly.

I went in the next day, Friday, for a NST.  It took a long time, and I didn't get back to Central City till lunch time to get the kids from Wendy.  Everything looked great.  But emotionally I was back to facing the fact that I would've held you that day, November 1st, no matter what.  You would've been delivered by then, via natural childbirth, induction, or c-section.  I would've met you that day.

I sobbed.  I so very desperately wanted to meet you that day.  Really meet you.

That night, after the Harvest Concert, I was laying in bed, heard a "pop" and my water broke. 

In the midst of it all, I looked at Chase and said I thought I wanted an epidural.  I didn't think I could do it without one.

You, my dear one, were such a huge part of it all, are such a huge part of me.  We got to the hospital, and I got an epidural.  Before pain even really hit me, I got an epidural.  I needed head space to think.  I needed head space to pray.  I needed head space to work through seeing if you were there, what of you was there, and do that all in the context of welcoming your sister with all the joy and elation that her birth built in my soul. 

It's the strangest thing.  It's not that my heart is split - like 1/2 was sad and 1/2 was happy.  It's like the entirety of my heart could feel the entirety of emotions - relief, joy, elation at your sister's arrival; sorrow, yearning, grief at your body's arrival without you.

Ugh.  Thomas.  Damn.  Losing you hurts.  Always.

Hurts doesn't begin to encompass it.  It's this can't breathe, depth of my soul, aching pit.  It's overwhelming.

But I look just beyond my computer screen, and there, your sister lays sleeping, breathing, alive, and my heart soars in gratitude, love, and joy.  How can my heart be both places at once?

So your sister was born, and then you came with the placenta.  Dr. Crockett cleaned me up, got me settled with your sister and brought you over to me.

She told me that here was the placenta - Juliana's part.  Then over here was your part.  There was still a bit of you there to see - she asked if I wanted her to pull the membrane back.  I said yes and she did, and there you were - little head, body, arm, leg, eye. 

That settled it.  My nurse, Sylvia, personally took you down to the lab with instructions about us picking you up on Monday.  You were, as far as it was possible for me to know, cared for and honored by the doctors and nurses who handled you.  And, I hope, that the same can be said for those in the lab.

Monday, Chase tried to pick you up, but they weren't done with the placenta, they said.  Then, I got a call from the hospital.  They couldn't release you to us, your parents.  They had to release you to a funeral home director.

I was a mess - I'd asked all these questions ahead of time and knew that the Nebraska state statute said that they COULD release you to me because you were gone prior to 20 weeks gestation.  But the fact remained that you were born at 38 weeks gestation too.  After going in circles in my head for a couple of hours, I finally called my cousin's husband, a funeral home director in NE. 

He is excellent at his job.  He said I was right about the statue, but institutions can have regulations tighter than the statute.  He offered to call the lab and see if he could get them to make an exception in this case.

He called back and they had refused.  I wish I knew who decided it was a good idea to keep parents from picking up their kids and laying them to rest.  It was absurd bureaucratic red tape.

He recommended calling our local funeral home and told us they wouldn't charge for picking you up.  I felt kind of silly, like 1/2 the town has to help me get my child back, but there was no way I wasn't going to fight for you.

Baby, I would have fought forever for you.  You are so worth the effort.  I wish there was something I could've done so we could've known each other more.  I would've done so much more than this.

So your dad dug your grave in the back yard.  It is under the Miss Kim Lilac bushes.  Your dad also bought the box we buried you in.  While I've spent months grieving, he took on the hard physical tasks of facing those most tangible things.

We went the next day to the funeral home to pick you up.  I assumed you'd still be in your placenta and we'd have the whole thing to bury.  They laid you out carefully on a table in the back of the funeral home and let us come look at you.

The lab had taken you out of your placenta, so we just had YOU.  Your little head, your precious body, your dear arms and legs, and God saved 5 perfect little toes pointed out on one of your feet for me to count.  I can't wait to really hold you.  Like hold your warm self, hear your heart beat, look into your darling eyes and fall even more in love.

God's handiwork from the first day just blows my mind.  You were there, all of you. 

I don't understand why.  I will never understand why.  At least not this side of eternity. 

The hospital had you in a clear plastic bag, and had that bag wrapped in a hospital blanket.  We wrapped you back up, put you in your box, and brought you home. 

It was then that I realized what I wanted to do for you - I wanted you to have a sleeping bag of sorts.  Something made out of your fabric - the fox fabric, and the white minky, and the gray fuzzy. A miniature blanket like the bigger ones I've made for each of your siblings.  So that afternoon I made you the tiniest sleeping bag.

When Lily got home from school, I went to the basement where you were waiting, tucked you in your sleeping bag, covered you with the blanket Pat Loper knit for you, wrapped it all in your hospital blanket, and closed the lid of your box.

We bundled up all the kids and went out on the cloudy, cold, windy Wednesday afternoon to your grave.  We stood with our backs to the wind as Chase put your box down in the grave.

The neighbor's cat peered out the vertical blinds, our only observer.

I asked if anyone had anything they wanted to say about you, Thomas. 

Connor, age 5, (who had been particularly ornery lately) piped up, "I know what we should do." 

Internally I just dreaded a smart alecky comment coming from him at this moment. 

"We should pray." 

I repented for assuming the worst.  He was exactly right - we should pray.

Chase took the lead and prayed over you.  We thanked God for the gift of you, and looked forward to the day when we'll get to really know you in Glory.

We watched as Chase filled in the hole and talked about how much fun you must be having with Auggie.  We talked about Uncle Chet and Grandpa Jerry and how they were probably taking you fishing, and how you get to be with Jesus.  It sounds so lovely it's hard not to be jealous.

We came inside and Lily was processing the deep things.  I held her and we cried and talked about you a bit more.  Then she took her stuffed animal and went to her room to write and cry.

Connor came near, and I asked him how he knew exactly what we should do out by your grave. 

"Ramona Quimby," he answered.

In the last month all he has listened to is the Ramona Quimby Collection on Audible. 

"But there's not a funeral in Ramona, is there?" I asked.

"Uh-huh.  Picky Picky's," Connor responded. 

Picky Picky the cat.  Ramona.  I laughed and in my heart praised God that He used that stupid book we've all heart a billion times now to make sure we did just the right thing as we laid your body to rest.

Dearest Thomas, I don't know how I'll do life without you exactly.  I mean, I do.  I'll breathe.  I'll eat.  I'll sleep.  I'll be joyful and happy, I'll be sad and weary.  I'll live.  And in that living, I'll remember you.  Mamas don't forget. 

I'm so grateful to have known of you, to have seen your body, to have held you in my hand, to have touched your skin.  I'm so grateful you're here, in my heart, and on our property. 

My dear child, all I can say is that I love you.

Mom