Parenting in the midst of it all

Do you ever feel like you fulfill your role as a parent in the middle of everything else?  Not that parenting takes a backseat or second place, but rather that it's kind of like the antivirus software on your computer - always running, trying to protect and prevent, despite what other programs you're running?

That's how I've felt the last few weeks.  We fuss about being "busy" all the time, and I don't mean to lament the wonderful privileges we have in our 1st world country.  But life has been full of lots of "things" lately:  Christmas parties, present wrapping, shopping, celebration, funerals, mourning, work, exhaustion, baby-growing, (did I mention exhaustion?), baking, dishes, scooping snow, etc.  They've been good.  They've been necessary.  Many have been fun, some have been so hard.  But amidst them all, I must be a mom.

It's weird.  I watched my mom through all my growing up years and even now, and she just does it all with ease.  Mom to 4, grandma to 1 (plus one on the way) so far, big house, full time work (now that the kids are grown), big yard, garden, sewing projects, baking, cooking, not overly exhausted, not too tired to sit and talk, not cranky, not overwhelmed. Sigh.  Will my children ever see me that way?

Or maybe they do, and I don't because I just have too many expectations of myself.  Could be, right?  Last week, someone on my Facebook feed posted this great article about toddler tantrums and looking at them in a different way.  Rather than seeing them as your child being purposefully obstinate, a power struggle, or a opportunity to impose discipline, see them as an opportunity to embrace relationship.  Tantrums can be thrown because of a need not met.

For example, Lily throwing herself on the couch rather than getting her coat on because she's tired of being taken somewhere different every day.  "Mom, can we stay home today?" she asked me last week when she woke up one morning.  I nearly burst into tears.  "No, baby.  I'm sorry.  Mommy has to go to work.  But don't you want to go play with Lucky and Boo?"  (Bless our babysitter's cats!)  She perked up and put on her coat.  She needs her mom.  She needs her home.  And I haven't built in enough home-time lately.  That's on me.

Lily is still required to put on her coat when I ask her to, but what if, rather than threatening to get out the spanking spoon (yes, we do spank for deliberate disobedience in our home), what if I took a moment to sit on the floor, pull my baby into my lap and say, "I don't really want to go to work either today, but maybe we could do something especially fun when we get home tonight - like have candy together."  C-A-N-D-Y are magic words right now with my 2 year old.  She will do just about anything for candy, and she thinks it's SUPER special to get to have some.  She remembers - she talks all the way home from the sitter's house about having candy.  It makes the night feel special.  And I took time to validate her need to do something special with Mommy, even if it wasn't spend the whole day together.

Please don't misunderstand.  I'm not suggesting that good parenting is bribing every tantrum away with candy (though wouldn't that be great if it worked?!?).  Rather, I'm reminding myself to take a moment to evaluate the tantrum - is it willful disobedience?  or is it an unmet need that I can hear and validate and help my toddler work through?  I want to teach her to see/hear other people's needs, and I think that starts by hearing hers.  Here's the blog post that got me started on thinking that way:  An alternative view of tantrums and emotional upsets

Also, today, I read this article posted by another friend on FB:  Killing Off Supermom.  What a great reminder.  We ALL stuff dirty dishes in dishwashers and/or ovens when company comes.  Who really makes the bed every morning?  Seriously.  And don't tell me you don't have a pile of mail "to be dealt with" somewhere in your house.  We all have it (and we all hate it).  *As an aside, that's the great thing about email!  You can have TONS of unopened email, and it doesn't clutter counters or tables AT ALL!!!!*

It's good to keep a tidy house, to teach children to pick up, to teach our families that a way we show honor and respect to those who come into our home is to provide a safe, tidy place for everyone to enjoy each other.  BUT the critical thing is not to do those things at the expense of relationship with our family and friends.

Supermom I am not.  Parenting guru I am not.  Work-in-progress-mama-with-much-to-learn-and-needing-grace-from-my-family-and-friends-as-I-muddle-through...  Yep.  That's me.  And in the midst of it all, I'll parent to the best of my ability and trust that my children will forgive me for all the mistakes I make.  Because afterall, someday, they won't be supermom either.