A muddled goodbye to 2015

Tonight Chase and I went through our books.  We have a lot of books.

 

This is about 3 shelves worth of over 25 shelves...

Touching the books, feeling their weight, flipping through their library-scented pages always makes me want to read more.  I should sort my books every day and I would read a lot more!  But then I wouldn't be living life, would I?

 

We talked tonight about how great it was to have a few years of our lives fully devoted to intellectual pursuits.  We had 4 years of college and we both completed graduate school before we had kids.  What a gift those years were!

 

In many ways I feel much less sharp than I did 6 years ago when I completed my master's degree.  Those parts of my brain feel rusty, dim, cobwebbed.  (Is "cobwebbed" even a word?)  I think I'm stupider.  (Is "stupider" a word?  ...Mabe I'm just less sharp.)

 

But then in so many ways I feel like I know SO much more.  I know better now what is trivial and what is really important.  I know the drudgery of grocery shopping, how long it takes to wash a full counter of dishes, how many days I can go without showering and still go out in public, and how unnecessary cable TV is.  I know what it is to see a tiny face for the first time and fall so helplessly in love that I can't remember what it was like before, even if before was just minutes ago.  I know what it is to power through on a few hours of sleep night after night, because that is the new normal.  I know what it is for "normal" to change on a weekly and sometimes daily basis as we all grow, develop and learn. 

 

I know better now what I don't know. 

 

I don't have it all figured out, and I can embrace that.  I am learning still and always, making 1,000 adjustments a day. 

 

I know that the greatest impact I can have, the grandest legacy I can leave, is to love my children well. 

 

As 2015 comes to a close, I've been ruminating on the fact that the decisions we make early in life, very early, can affect our children and by so doing can affect our children's children and even beyond. 

 

The friends we make when we are in grade school and high school can affect our grades and our social behavior.  Habits we begin in high school usually carry over into college, and often in college we meet or marry our spouse.  And so that friend I made in 1st grade, and the peer pressure we put on each other throughout our growing up years, affected who I married.  And who I married REALLY affects my kids and me!

 

And there are so many things like that - decisions we make when we're too young to even understand that we're making a decision, and they can have great impact for generations. 

 

So how can I help my kids make some of those early decisions well?

 

(This next bit has 2 parts that circle back to the above question, so bear with me.)

 

[Part 1]  One of Mr. Rogers' (of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood) quotes has popped up a few times this year:

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.

The concept of play being work has changed the way I look at play with my kids.  I'm generally a task-oriented person who thrives on structure.  I like structured play - blocks, playdoh (with a rolling pin and cookie cutters), board games.  And during the day I often do structured work while my kids play independently from me. 

But I've started working at playing in a less-structured way - letting my kids do the work of play rather than always keeping them to the structure I want to impose.  I can see that play is preparing them for life - play kitchens, tool sets, dolls, instruments, and pets make sense to me.

But then I wonder... 

[Part 2] 

I can't find the exact quote at the moment, but President Franklin Delano Roosevelt talked in a speech about a future in America where technology would provide time for leisure.  (Little did he know how true that would be...)

We have leisure almost all the time as compared with previous generations.  I don't have to boil water to do laundry.  I don't even have to hang it out to dry!  I don't have to cook - I can go out to eat.  I don't have to clean - I can get a vaccuum robot that will do that while I'm gone.  I don't have to meal plan or make shopping lists - I can subscribe to an online service that will do that for me.  I don't even have to shop!  I can get just about anything delivered to me. 

And I can Facebook, or Instagram, or Pinterest, or a zillion other things any time on my smartphone.  I can literally be "watching" cable TV while playing a game on my Kindle, Googling something on my phone, and blogging on my computer AT THE SAME TIME!  That's 4 methods of leisure all at once!!!

I work outside the home a couple of days a week, yes.  At a school where I spend most of my time on a computer.

[Bringing it all together...]  Is that what being an adult is?  Spending hours a day on a computer at work only to come home and spend more hours in front of a screen for play?

If that's what being an adult is, then I'm not exactly sure what kind of play I ought to be encouraging in my kids if their play now helps prepare them to be adults later. 

Should I let my kids sit in front of screens all day to prepare them for their futures?  The experts say that's really bad for their brain development!

As I help my kids measure ingredients while we make cookies, I wonder Will this be useful for them someday?  Surely it will be.  But what practices do we have today that will be completely obsolete by the time they're adults?

One that has changed since I was a kid is the phone book.  I don't have a phone book.  But my parents had one, and we used it all the time.  My mom would put a piece of scotch tape on the edge of the pages that we used the most so they'd be easy to find.  We'd look up phone numbers, of course, but we used them for other things, like pressing petals and leaves or as a booster seat to make us taller.  Lily, Connor and Spencer will never know what a phonebook is.

I think it's true to say that we've been moving from a culture of mostly work toward a culture of mostly leisure.  And to be really honest, that scares me.  Leisure without work isn't appreciated.  And too much leisure simply leads to trouble.  There's a lack of purpose in leisure if it's had too often that can eat away at ones soul.  And really, that's what scares me most. 

I want my sons to have work to do, real work, that makes them feel manly and become manly.  I want them to find purpose and feel like they have something valuable to contribute to the world.  Because I know they have something to contribute to the world, but they may not know that themselves.  And I want the same for my daughter!

The Copy Cat

 

This guy... (*ugh!* Isn't he just to die for!?!  He is so handsome and cool!) This guy does absolutely whatever his big sister is doing.  From the toys she's playing with, to the things she eats, to the places she goes, he is all about being just like her.  That won't always be the case, but right now it is.

 

Today the two of them were at the table finger painting.  She made a particular sound when she wiped her hand on the rag I'd given her.  He picked up his rag, and attempted to make the same sound as he wiped his hand.  It was adorable!

 

And this girl...

 

This girl is my little "mini-me."  The other day we were sitting at the table and someone did something outlandish.  Lily said, "Oh, for goodness sake!"  Chase and I looked at her.  We asked where she'd heard that.  She responded to me, "You say it after 'Good Heavens!'"  And you know, she's right.  I do say that... 

 

So she copies me and he copies her, and what I look into each day are the eyes of my little mirrors.  But these little ones have minds of their own, wills of their own, and purposes all their own to accomplish in the world.  My job is to help prepare them for those purposes.  But I don't know how to do that!  This world is a fickle, changing, complicated place, and I'm not sure at all how to get them ready for it.

 

Looking Back and Moving Forward

Today as I changed Spencer's diaper, he looked up at me and grinned the biggest grin, then cooed at me.  And I was grateful I could see his smile and hear his sweet voice. 

 

I walked into the kitchen to Connor's bellowing "MOOOOOMMMMM!" When I looked at him and said, "what?" he shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room.  And I was grateful his strong lungs could bellow and my legs could carry me to his [albeit] unnecessary call.

 

I snagged Lily as she tried to sneak past me.  I tackled her and tickled her till she laughed a true belly laugh.  And I was grateful for strong arms, and a girl to hold in them.

 

Spencer balanced in my lap, as Connor tugged on my pants, and Lily demanded "Read, Mom!" while I sat on the couch trying to manage them all post-nap.  And I was grateful for noise, stinky diapers, high-pitched squeals, messy faces, uncombed hair (theirs and mine!), dirty laundry, unmade beds, mac n cheese and hotdogs, early mornings, late nights, toys to trip over, and a million other things that could be daily annoyances. 

 

2015 was pretty awesome.  It had it's moments of difficulty, but on the whole, it was a really, really great year.  I have no idea what 2016 might hold.  Someday I may look back at it as a year with great difficulty, or perhaps it's a year that will blur into so many others as just "normal," or maybe it'll be "The Year" - that stellar year we'll talk about for the rest of our lives! 

 

At this point I can't know.  But I do know that I will cultivate a household of gratefulness.  Gratefulness for even those things that seem like challenges or difficulties, because we always, always have something to be grateful for.  And expressing that gratefulness helps put other things into perspective. 

 

So as we say goodbye to 2015, here are some pictures of Christmas - one of the best Christmases I can remember...

 

She decorated a bunch of cookies by herself!

 

Snow on Christmas Eve.  <3

 

Santa came!

 

These two sat and opened stockings together and admired
one another's presents.  They were excited for each other,
which was so fun to watch as a parent.

 

So very grateful that he walks this crazy life with me!

 

They are the best.

 

Christmas at Gram's.

 

What a great family!

 

Santa's helper.

 

Ready for stockings.

 

The evening talent show.  Lily got a saxaphone,
and wanted to play it alonside Grandma.

I feel like this post is very muddled.  I'm processing, and clearly I have more processing to do.  But for now, I'm grateful for the time I've been given and I look forward to the time ahead.  Here's to 2016!

 

 

 

Merry Christmas, Little Loves and Lilyisms

Quite unlike the Grinch, I love Christmas - the whole Christmas season!  It is Christmas Eve, and in anticipation of the great day tomorrow, I thought I'd record just a bit of the lead-up this year...

 

My view while hanging Christmas lights. 
Spencer slept inside (I had the monitor) while
Lily and Connor played outside.
Here they're digging in my planter.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving weekend we decorated and watched Charlie Brown
Christmas for the first time.  It and the Grinch have become fast
favorites around here, both working their way into Connor's limited
spoken vocabulary.  "Grinch?" and "Brown?" are frequent requests.

Connor sitting in the ornaments' storage box with
his truck.  He was a big helper in decorating the tree.

Despite his small size, Connor wanted ornaments
hung all over the tree.  I mean ALL over the tree,
including on the star.  In fact, if all the ornaments
could have been on the star, I think he would have
had us put them all there.  Daddy and I limited it
to two.

Helping me make Christmas goodies. These two are really
fantastic!  They (mostly) don't taste ingredients while cooking,
and they (mostly) don't snitch the goodies when they're cooling...

This was Mommy-sanctioned beater licking.

Spencer snuggling with Great-Grandma Francl
on Chase's birthday, just a few days before Christmas. 

A focus around here lately has been sibling interactions - mainly
trying to limit the fighting and bickering and promote positive
play together.  We struggled for what seemed like weeks, and then
one day, we had this - happy playing together - and it seems to
have been a bit of a breakthrough.  Hurray!  It was a whole day
with almost no fighting or squealing (except in delight)!

We always celebrate Christmas Eve with Chase's
family.  This gift to "Ant Steph" was from my
nephew, Tyus, sitting in the middle of the other two
boys.  He's in elementary, and they made a really
cool wooden sign that they painted at school.
His mom told him he could give it to anyone he
wanted, and he picked me!  He painted it himself,
he wrapped it himself, and he wrote the tag himself.
It's one of my favorite gifts this Christmas!  Totally
unexpected.  It blessed this ant's heart to no end!

Just before we started opening presents at Chase's family's
Christmas.  Lily was clearly excited.  Connor had no idea how
excited he should have been.  Spencer slept through almost all of
the opening festivities.

Hurray for Christmas!

He is so cute it's almost too much for this momma
to take!  His first Christmas Eve and he's 2 months
old on it.  Here he's a little concerned/interested in
what his cousins are doing nearby.

We got home from Grandma and Grandpa's house well after the
kids' bedtime.  We tucked them in and then prepared for "Santa."
"He" came!

Full stockings.  Full tree.  Full heart! 

 

Christmas is easily my favorite day/time of the year.  Sure, it's "commercialized."  But I don't have to celebrate it that way. 

 

As Chase assembled one of my presents tonight (a stool for the kids to stand on while they help me cook in the kitchen), he commented how this is easily one of the very best times of the year to have kids.  We, as parents, get to celebrate again through our children - the light in their eyes, their eager anticipation, their wonder at the holiday. 

 

Last night as we drove home from looking at Christmas lights, Lily sat in the back seat and sang her own little made up songs....

 

"I love my parents, because they give me presents!"

"They show love by giving presents."  (At least she gets the reason for presents...)

 

Her songs shifted from presents to Adam and Eve:

 

"...but they said 'the serpent made me do it.'"

"They lied.  But God still loved them even though they disobeyed."  (We've been dealing with lieing lately.  Maybe I'm getting through?)

 

"Jesus was a present to uuuuuuuuuuuussss."

 

Christmas time with children.  The birth of the Christ-child.  Celebrating His birth some 2,000 years later.  What a treasure.  How blessed I feel tonight as I wait with eager anticipation mirroring theirs for Christmas morn. 

 

Merry Christmas, little loves.  Mommy can't wait to see you in the morning!

 

 

Here for a reason

My heart skipped a beat.  I dropped my washrag into the sudsy dishwater, took off my dishwashing gloves, and turned away from the sink full of dirty dishes to see her laying on the floor looking at me.

 

She didn't really mean it.  She didn't really know what she was saying.  She didn't understand the implications.  But it hurt my heart in a way I am still grappling to understand.

 

"I wish he wasn't here." 

 

She said it about her brother.

 

I instantly left what I was doing, walked over, picked her up, and said that we needed to read a book.  I sent up a silent prayer of thanks that I had bought the book a few weeks ago when I ran across it. 

 

It's called You're Here for a Reason by Nancy Tillman, and it is fantastic!  She's one of my favorite children's authors, because the messages in her books are so strong and so good for children to hear over and over again.  (On the Night You Were Born and Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You are two others we have, and another great one is The Crown on Your Head.)

 

Lily and I read the book together, but this time I replaced the word "You" with "Lily, Connor, and Spencer." 

 

Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here for a reason, you certainly are. 

The world would be different without Lily, Connor, and Spencer by far...

If not for Lily's, Connor's, and Spencer's smiles, laughs and hearts,

This place we call home would be minus a part.

Thank goodness Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here,

Thank goodness times two!

I just can't imagine a world without you.

 

I knew that eventually this idea would pop up - that when siblings aren't getting along or are being annoying, one sibling will think about another how easy life would be if that other sibling just wasn't there.  I grew up with 3 siblings.  I get it. 

 

However, I also remember, during my formative years, overhearing my older brother say how he wished he wasn't here.  I'd had that thought about all of my siblings at one time or another, but not seriously - just because I was mad at them for a moment.  It was odd to hear him say he thought the same thing, only about himself.  I didn't think he really meant it, but he wasn't saying it in passing - it was passionate.  He was upset.  And for whatever reason, he thought, in that moment, that the world would be better without him. 

 

He died a short time later in an accident.  And I can tell you definitively that the world was better when he was in it. 

 

We've all lost someone - a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a child, a relative, a friend.  Life isn't easy, and some people are really hard to live with.  But a world without even that difficult person just isn't quite right - something is missing.  (My brother wasn't difficult to live with, at least not for me, and especially not in his final year or so of life.  We were moving from being siblings to being friends.)

 

The reason Lily's comment made me react instantly was because I know what it's like when a brother is suddenly not there.  She didn't mean it - I know that - but comments like that have always cut deep since Chet died.

 

But the reason I've been mulling her comment over, wrestling with it, and working to get it settled in my memory before I go to sleep is that I value my children (and their dad) each more highly than any other thing in this world.  Their worth is far beyond any payment this world can offer.  And I want them to value each other in that same way.  But teaching that to a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant...  How does one do that?

 

For now, the answer I've landed on is to model it and to speak it to them often in as many ways as I can - that I value them each, and that they should each value each other.  Because there is no one like them and the world wouldn't be the same without them.  I'm not going to go around just saying that 100 times a day, but rather telling them that in 100 different ways and living my life as their mom in such a way that they "catch" the idea.  (You know, how kids "catch" on to things you don't even realize you do.) 

 

Tonight after the reading the book to her and before going back to the dishes, Lily and I talked about how it's ok to be annoyed or frustrated or angry with our brothers.  Twenty-month-olds can be hard to live with, especially for a 4 year old.  BUT we are ALWAYS glad that we have them, even if we're frustrated with them.  Because the world would be different without them, and our family would be minus a part.

 

Oh, how very grateful I am for the parts we have and that our world includes these three little creatures I get to call my own!

 

 

 

PS Shortly after I finished the supper dishes, I put Connor in the tub for a bath.  These two played for a long time together, and the giggles filled the house.  She loves him, and he loves her.  They are so lucky to have each other!  And imagine the giggles we'll have when Spencer is old enough to join in...