Here for a reason

My heart skipped a beat.  I dropped my washrag into the sudsy dishwater, took off my dishwashing gloves, and turned away from the sink full of dirty dishes to see her laying on the floor looking at me.

 

She didn't really mean it.  She didn't really know what she was saying.  She didn't understand the implications.  But it hurt my heart in a way I am still grappling to understand.

 

"I wish he wasn't here." 

 

She said it about her brother.

 

I instantly left what I was doing, walked over, picked her up, and said that we needed to read a book.  I sent up a silent prayer of thanks that I had bought the book a few weeks ago when I ran across it. 

 

It's called You're Here for a Reason by Nancy Tillman, and it is fantastic!  She's one of my favorite children's authors, because the messages in her books are so strong and so good for children to hear over and over again.  (On the Night You Were Born and Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You are two others we have, and another great one is The Crown on Your Head.)

 

Lily and I read the book together, but this time I replaced the word "You" with "Lily, Connor, and Spencer." 

 

Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here for a reason, you certainly are. 

The world would be different without Lily, Connor, and Spencer by far...

If not for Lily's, Connor's, and Spencer's smiles, laughs and hearts,

This place we call home would be minus a part.

Thank goodness Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here,

Thank goodness times two!

I just can't imagine a world without you.

 

I knew that eventually this idea would pop up - that when siblings aren't getting along or are being annoying, one sibling will think about another how easy life would be if that other sibling just wasn't there.  I grew up with 3 siblings.  I get it. 

 

However, I also remember, during my formative years, overhearing my older brother say how he wished he wasn't here.  I'd had that thought about all of my siblings at one time or another, but not seriously - just because I was mad at them for a moment.  It was odd to hear him say he thought the same thing, only about himself.  I didn't think he really meant it, but he wasn't saying it in passing - it was passionate.  He was upset.  And for whatever reason, he thought, in that moment, that the world would be better without him. 

 

He died a short time later in an accident.  And I can tell you definitively that the world was better when he was in it. 

 

We've all lost someone - a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a child, a relative, a friend.  Life isn't easy, and some people are really hard to live with.  But a world without even that difficult person just isn't quite right - something is missing.  (My brother wasn't difficult to live with, at least not for me, and especially not in his final year or so of life.  We were moving from being siblings to being friends.)

 

The reason Lily's comment made me react instantly was because I know what it's like when a brother is suddenly not there.  She didn't mean it - I know that - but comments like that have always cut deep since Chet died.

 

But the reason I've been mulling her comment over, wrestling with it, and working to get it settled in my memory before I go to sleep is that I value my children (and their dad) each more highly than any other thing in this world.  Their worth is far beyond any payment this world can offer.  And I want them to value each other in that same way.  But teaching that to a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant...  How does one do that?

 

For now, the answer I've landed on is to model it and to speak it to them often in as many ways as I can - that I value them each, and that they should each value each other.  Because there is no one like them and the world wouldn't be the same without them.  I'm not going to go around just saying that 100 times a day, but rather telling them that in 100 different ways and living my life as their mom in such a way that they "catch" the idea.  (You know, how kids "catch" on to things you don't even realize you do.) 

 

Tonight after the reading the book to her and before going back to the dishes, Lily and I talked about how it's ok to be annoyed or frustrated or angry with our brothers.  Twenty-month-olds can be hard to live with, especially for a 4 year old.  BUT we are ALWAYS glad that we have them, even if we're frustrated with them.  Because the world would be different without them, and our family would be minus a part.

 

Oh, how very grateful I am for the parts we have and that our world includes these three little creatures I get to call my own!

 

 

 

PS Shortly after I finished the supper dishes, I put Connor in the tub for a bath.  These two played for a long time together, and the giggles filled the house.  She loves him, and he loves her.  They are so lucky to have each other!  And imagine the giggles we'll have when Spencer is old enough to join in...