Am I enough?

I wrote this a little while ago, but couldn't post it, because it was too raw.  I'm over the hump.  I'm at peace and past this grief.  It seems the theme of the last couple of weeks for me has been grief - blessedly not the grief of losing human life - I am so very grateful for that.  But grief isn't only for those horrific occasions.  If ever you've struggled with letting dreams go or putting them on hold, maybe you can relate to how I was feeling when I wrote this...

Recently I learned some fabulous news about some people I knew in what feels like another lifetime.  College cohorts who have achieved great successes and are doing amazing things in the world.  Influential things.  Things that may not only make a difference (and headlines) today, but may make a positive difference for years and generations to come.  Truly.

They are in positions to put people in place to make good decisions in the courts, in the media, in the current presidential administration.  They ARE the people BEING put in place to make good decisions.  They have clerked for Supreme Court justices, they have been top of their classes in the top schools in the nation, they have worked countless hours over many years to earn this privilege.  And they're not just lawyers.  They are lawyers, and speech writers, and journalists, and state representatives, and civil servants with great civic influence.

These were people I called not only "classmate" but also "friend" in that other lifetime.

I sit in my yoga pants with my laptop jiggling at random as my belly button is pummeled from the inside by the 4th little miracle I've had the privilege to carry.  Dishes from 2 days ago fill my sinks and my counters.  Toys have exploded well beyond the playroom to every nook, cranny and corner of the house.  And don't even get me started on the laundry...

I see the headline about these amazing people, and I wonder, "Am I enough?" 

I wasn't just in class with these people.  I was their intellectual peer.  We challenged each other.  I learned what "the good" is with these people; I learned how to logically challenge thought with these people; we studied friendship together via Aristotle's Nichomachean Ethics.  In essence, they helped me as we went through the metamorphosis from know-it-all teen to learn-to-love-learning-for-learning's-sake, reasonable, thinking adult.  (Or at least, a reasonable, thinking adult when I am well-rested and not pulled in multiple directions by sticky little fingers...) 

... 

I am pulled from slumber at 2:37am by stifled sobs and a pair of big brown eyes peeking over the edge of my bed.  "My legs hurt, Mommy." 

Growing pains. 

I heft my pregnant belly over as I roll to make room, while simultaneously reaching down to pull this piece of my heart into bed for snuggles - the only remedy that eventually eases these growing pains away. 

I wrap my arms around him, and I wonder, "Am I enough?"

I am not.  No matter how much I invest in them, my children always want and need more than I will ever be capable of giving. 

I have a job I love, a job I'll likely have to give up eventually because the demands of home will outweigh the benefit of even my flexible, wonderful, invigorating job. 

And I'm not complaining.  I chose this life, deliberately.  And I almost never look back.  How could I?  Trade the greatest treasures the Lord can bestow for some title and insane work hours in a city far from everyone I love?  No thank you.

But I just need to take a moment and be honest with myself and wonder, "Am I enough?" 

The question has many applications.  In fact, that very question years ago (when I was 23) got me to take the GRE and start applying for grad schools.  With what many of my peers were doing, I thought maybe I was just stupid and not smart, so that's why I was still in the same job after almost 2 years.  (Turns out, that job is still one I look back on as the most exciting, interesting, challenging, fun job I have ever had!)

The answer I learned back then was that I was enough.  I could still pull great GRE scores, get into great schools, even get some of my tuition covered with great scholarships.  (That doesn't change the fact that we're still paying off the student loans that resulted from me needing to answer that "am I enough?" question...)

And today, I wonder, if life had gone differently (not that I wish that it had), but would I have been enough?  Am I enough?  Could I have?  Would I have?  What would it have been like if I had? 

I don't often live in the "what ifs...?"  Most of the time, they're not helpful.  But sometimes, every now and then, I slip into a puddle (or pit) and wallow in the "what ifs...?" 

They are a good opportunity to look back at life and review the decisions I've made (most alongside my husband - we celebrated 17 YEARS since our first date earlier this month!).

The honest truth is that I don't regret any of my major life decisions.  Not all have been easy, but they have each been good - the right thing at the right time. 

And then I wonder, will I be prepared for the next thing?  (Chase can attest that I was in tears very recently telling him that I am, indeed, NOT prepared for the next thing.  Four children ages 5 and under completely overwhelms me!!!) 

But then, that's trusting my own strength.  In my own strength it is not possible to live well with 4 children ages 5 and under.  In my own strength it is not possible to face labor and delivery, yet again, with any kind of positive thought.  In my own strength it is not possible to be prepared for the thing just around the corner that I don't know is coming.  In my own strength, nothing is possible.

My strength, if I had any, is gone anyway.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I am worn out, discouraged, beaten down, exhausted, unworthy, incapable, and worthless.

But. 

It is not by my own strength that any of my life thus far has turned out well, nor is it by my own strength that I will joyfully take on whatever the next challenges are beyond bearing #4 and bringing him into the world. 

Psalm 127 has been a theme this pregnancy for sure.  It states just exactly what children are - a heritage from the Lord, a blessing.  Blessed are we if our quiver is full. 

And you know what else?  It says that, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in ones youth."  

I don't think of myself as an archer or warrior, nor do I think of my children as arrows.  At least, if they are, then we've got a loooooooooooooot of sharpening to do!

Not all are called to the life that I am walking, just like not all are called to work in the presidential administration or write speeches or make movies or anything else.  We each have different paths to walk.

This is mine.  It's not over yet, and the question of "Am I enough?" will inevitably rear its ugly head again.  But as I have done before, I am choosing now to sit back in the arms of my Creator and trust that He has a plan, better than any plan I could imagine, dream up, or invent, to make my life exactly enough to fulfill His purpose. 

And you know, if I've done what the Creator of the Universe designed for me to do, if I have fulfilled exactly that role, how could I not be enough?