Dressed in Scarlet: 18 years

18 years
3 high school graduations
2 college graduations
1 graduate degree
18 Christmases
2 weddings
4 children
18 birthdays
12 moves
3 dogs
18 winters
4 cats
who knows how many vehicles
18 summers

Internet
Facebook
Texting
Blackberries
Laptops
Tablets
iPhones
iPods
smart watches
smart phones
3G
4G
Instagram
Snapchat
IM
Podcasts
Netflix
Apps

Leggings
Jeggings
Skinny Jeans
Fauxhawks
Ombre
Bleached tips
Pink/purple/blue

Things that didn't exist in your lifetime.

Tomorrow morning is 18 years.

I wonder what our relationship would be like if you were here. I wonder what I'd call to talk to you about. I wonder if we'd text often. I wonder if you would've gotten into Facebook or avoided it like the plague. I wonder what your wife would be like and if my kids would have cousins. I wonder if you'd have a cabin we'd visit in the summers. I wonder where you'd work and who your friends would be.

I wonder what life would be like if 18 years ago had been different.

Sometimes I still get that taste in my mouth. That wretched, clenching, can't-believe-it's-happened taste. Grief. Such a miserable mistress. God, I wish she wasn't part of what we all fear, dread, face eventually in this world. I choke up. Wish that if I caved and vomited she would be gone forever and what has been for 18 years would be gone too.

"I wonder..." is a place to visit on rare occasions. It's not a place to live, or dwell, or even spend much time. It cuts too deeply. It hurts too much. It breeds envy and anger and regret and frustration. Questions. So many questions. Rarely does it breed anything of value.

Except when it's time. When there's time. To mourn.

I tuck my babies into bed tonight and wonder what they would think of you.

I try to remember what I was doing 18 years ago on this night. But it's been so long. The memories have faded, blessedly and cursedly faded. I can't remember. I was gone overnight... or maybe you were gone overnight? I think you were with friends. Yes.

They would adore you. That's what my babies would do. They would adore you like I always have. We don't talk about those things so many of us knew about you - you weren't perfect - because you're memorialized now. Somehow immortal in your mortality. Forever 17. Forevermore not here. They would adore you in spite of your imperfections just like they adore each of their family.

Tomorrow marks the day. Or rather 9 days ago did. The day that our parents moved from walking more days in life without you than with you. As a mother now, myself, I can't imagine. I try not to imagine. Even a second of thinking about imagining walking such a road leaves me breathless and in agony for mothers the world over who have walked such a dark journey. But especially it leaves me in agony for our mother. For our father.

What about my life would be different if 18 years ago had been different? Everything. And perhaps very little. Marriage, college, moves, children, visits home, pets, clothes, so much could have been the same. But maybe it wouldn't have been. We - I - will never know.

Never again, Lord, please. Never again may we walk such dark days. But don't spare us the dark days if in so doing we would also miss the days together...

Cousin Sean's first birthday. Chet watching the candle carefully
(presumably so the baby doesn't get burned. Ha!).

I wanted to go shirtless like my brothers. Now, looking at this
picture we took that night, I'm so grateful my parents stayed firm
on that point. We three. Roughly ages 5, 1, and 8.

Flower girl and ring bearer in uncle and aunt's wedding. He
tried to lean out of the picture at almost every shot that was taken.

Except when I did, because I thought he was
the absolute coolest and wanted to do everything
that he did.

Vacation to Chimney Rock. Dark shades cuz
that was the thing. You probably can't tell because
this is a bad picture of an old picture, but his hair
had the coolest wave.