I wrote this post a while back on a day that I was reeeeally struggling. I don’t often have days like that, blessedly. But that day... ugh. If you find yourself in a similar place, I don’t know what to tell you to do to snap yourself out of it. I guess just carry on doing the next right thing, even and especially if you don’t feel like it.
I find myself daydreaming about working full time.
I looked good in business clothes and heels. I was good at my job.
That time I drove ________________ to the airport - might seem like a small thing, but if I filled in the blank you’d immediately recognize the name and understand why it was a big deal. That project I got pushed through, on deadline (mostly) - it was awesome. I was organized, efficient, capable.
Why am I daydreaming about working again? I wonder to myself. And then I realize...
It’s because I feel incapable today as a mom, a wife, a human being.
It’s not even 9am and I’ve already had a stupid spat with my husband over something entirely my fault, cleaned up 2 blowouts, yelled at my kids for fighting, and sent them each back to their beds because I simply can’t deal. How did the kitchen get this trashed in less than 90 minutes?!? And where in the world is the dog?!?
I soldier on in my uniform: stained sweatshirt, yoga pants, fuzzy socks, yesterday’s pony tail. Man, if _________ could see me now... A far cry from that person I was back then when I drove them around for a day.
Why is TV time so bad for kids? I wonder. Which do you suppose is worse: tv time or time with an inexplicably crabby and currently incapable mom?
I opt to let them take baths which both entertains and cleans them.
Oh, did I mention they’re sick? All four of them in various stages of illness. Not sick enough to just sweetly cuddle. But sick enough that we can’t go anywhere and that they whine. Constantly.
I wanted these children. I love them. I KNOW that I do, but today, mostly, I love me. I want to veg out in front of the TV. I want to work on my home improvement projects and cleaning and play on my phone and write blog posts and read and do those things that feed ME.
____________
It’s afternoon now. My attitude hasn’t changed much. Nor has the kitchen’s disaster, nor the children’s health. But there’s no vacation from this gig.
I know the answer. I’m selfish, base, vile. I only get today once with these dear souls I’m privileged to stay home and raise, but man. Today is hard.
I don’t know what to do to turn it around. I can’t seem to get my attitude in order. If my kids were this way, I’d send them to their rooms till they straightened up. I wish I could do that to myself.
God, redeem this day. Because I can’t. I sit in my privilege, luxury, and blessing and I want more. I KNOW that it’s wrong, but I can’t stop FEELING the selfish urges. So, Lord, thanks that I’m not a slave to my emotion. That I know the truth about my situation even if I don’t FEEL it. Help me emotions and my mind come in line with You. Amen.
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