Diet

I don't diet.  I've never dieted.  In fact, when I've tried to diet (back in college when the freshman fifteen attached itself to me), I ended up gaining weight because all I did was think about food which, in turn, made me eat more.  I've been blessed in that I've never had to worry too much about my weight.  If anything, I've had to worry about not weighing enough, especially while I was pregnant with Lily.

*sigh*

All that is changing today, and since this is my blog that helps me process life, it's time for me to write about it.  I NEED. TO. PROCESS.  Maybe that will help me accept the reality that I now have to live for the next 5 weeks (at least).

It all started on Thursday, and it was all my fault.  My hubby has had this weird hives reaction when he gets overheated (like when he takes a hot shower or gets sweaty working out).  Additionally, the guy has the stinkiest feet of anyone I've ever known!  These two seemingly unrelated issues were what I wanted resolved last Thursday.  We spent the day with my in-laws who ascribe to a more... naturalistic method of treating sickness/allergies/etc.  I asked - no, that's not strong enough - I adamantly demanded that they do some checking with Chase's symptoms to find out what was causing these two issues as traditional medicine had been little help.  The results came back: too much yeast in his system.

No big deal, I thought.  He'll take some remedy or herb for a while, and Voila! No more stinky feet or hives!  Not so, they told me.  It would take a remedy and some herbs and a vitamin, but it would also take a drastic change in diet to make it all work.  And the change in diet not only applied to Chase, but also to me.  Turns out spouses can perpetuate yeast problems by passing it back and forth.  Who knew?!?  I certainly didn't.  If I had, maybe I wouldn't have been so adamant about finding out what the issue was...

So Friday night, after my sick daughter finished puking on me and I cancelled girls night with my best girlfriends, I sat down, alone, on the couch, and pulled out my computer.  Chase was gone for the night, so it was just me, Bing Crosby, and Fred Astaire (in Holiday Inn) to research what a yeast-free diet was, exactly.  The more I read, the more angry and depressed I got.  It wasn't just "give up yeast and sugar," which, by the way, are the only ways I get sufficient calories each day.  I eat bread, potatoes, cinnamon rolls, corn, cookies, crackers, fruit, cereal, etc, etc, ALL the time.  I eat veggies and meat too, but I ascribe to the OLD food pyramid model I learned in elementary school - the bulk of what I eat ate was grains and breads and starches.

By midnight, it was pretty much clear:  my life was over.  I would just waste away and die on this ridiculous diet that had been imposed on me and my husband by no one other than myself.  Did I mention no vinegar, no mushrooms, no pickles, not even any fruit for the first little while (fruit can be added in later)?  Seriously?  What am I supposed to eat?  Oh!  Also, no pistachios, no peanuts, no sweetener of any kind, no salad dressing (unless I make it without vinegar or sweeteners), no mayo (unless I make it myself - who makes mayo?!?!?  ...I guess I do, now).  I can hardly handle it.

I'm so stressed/upset about this stupid diet that I got a canker sore in my nose.  I never get them in my mouth/on my lips - it's weird, I know.  I only ever get them in my nose, and only ever when I'm really stressed or upset.  Sweet.  Thank you canker sore for reminding me that my life now sucks.  As if the almonds I just "munched" on didn't remind me enough.  Awesome.

I'm not as concerned about the diet for Chase - he wants to lose a few pounds, and he likes meat (though the abundance of veggies will take some getting used to for him).  He will see significant health benefits in a relatively short amount of time.  In 5 weeks or so, he should be seeing big results and we should be able to start adding things back in... or so we think.

But for me?  I'm concerned for me.  I don't have a pound to spare at the moment.  I know what I look like down a few pounds from where I am and my cheeks sink in and I look horrible.  The last time I was that low one of my girlfriends told me I looked like I was literally starving.  (I wasn't at the time, I was nursing a very fat baby who took the fat right off my body.  I ate like a horse to keep up!)  I don't want to worry about that.  I don't want to limit what I eat.  I don't want to think about food any more than I have to, and now I have to think about it ALL the time to try to come up with enough stuff to eat.

I'm whining.  I'll probably whine about this a lot.  Chase and I have been on the diet for all of 5 hours now, and I'm already blogging about how horrible it is.  It may be a very LOOOOOOOOONG next few weeks.  *sigh*

And I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I have all kinds of food options all around me that I CAN have, and I'm whining about it.  There are lots of people all over the world whose cupboards are empty or who don't even have the benefit of having cupboards to fill.  I feel guilty that I do NOT want to do this, even though I know it's what my hubby needs for me to do.  I feel guilty that a friend has been on this diet for nearly 2 weeks now and she didn't even mention it to me until I whined to her that we were going on this diet.  How does she manage it so patiently and so quietly?  I want the whole world to know and feel sorry for me - and I feel guilty for that too.

Deep down, I know that I can do anything for 5 weeks, especially if it benefits my family.  I survived pregnancy, labor and delivery, right?  I can do this - it's just a stupid diet.  *sigh*  But it seems so overwhelming.  I was depressed for a good 24 hours after my research session on Friday night.  At least I get to do this with my best friend who hates it/mocks it as much as I do.

It's the season of Lent.  Do you think it's ironic that the timing of this diet and Lent line up?  I don't.  What am I giving up for Lent?  Until today, nothing.  From today till Easter, everything that I love to eat.  I tried to give up chocolate for Lent a few years ago - I think I lasted 2 days until I was 1/2 way through a bowl of chocolate ice cream and realized that I shouldn't be eating it.  I gave it up that very moment and enjoyed my chocolate.  (Chocolate is, obviously, also not permitted on this diet - it tastes good, why would it be allowed?)  It may seem silly, but I know that it is not in my strength that I'll be successful in this.  It's going to take a lot of personal prayer, a lot of leaning on the One who Provides, a lot of my soul grieving the loss of free will in the realm of food, a lot of submission.

I don't particularly like the word "submission" as it has often been used in my experience.  So often, submission is used as what men need to make women do.  Like females are some kind of second class citizen without brains or talent or something to contribute - people that must be ruled over.  However, our pastor explained in our marriage counseling that the submission that the Bible describes isn't something the husband makes the wife do - he's not to lord over her.  (Isn't that great to hear!  But here comes the hard part...)  Instead, the submission of wives is to be something the wife does.  She chooses to submit herself to the leadership of another.  She contributes, offers ideas, uses her talents in service to the Lord and her husband, but amidst it all she opts to fall under the headship of her husband because someone has to be accountable, and God said that the accountable one is the man.  I'm ok with that.

This whole diet thing is a new level of submission for me.  It has to be me choosing to give up a piece of who I am, a piece of me that's ok for me, a piece of me that I like.  (I like that I can have a blizzard from DQ and not worry about what the scale will say the next day.)  I have to choose to do it.  No one else can.  And it's me choosing to lay down my worry about my potential weight loss and what people may say about it (I'm very self conscious about comments about my stature) and trust the Lord to take care of my body as long as I do my part and eat like it's going out of style.

So there you have it.  If you want to look into the diet we're on, Google "Candida diet."  That'll get you started (down the road of depression).  There will, I suspect, be many more blog posts about the diet and the spiritual, emotional, and physical journey that will go with it.

You just never know what each new day will bring....