Performing and Facebook and Intimacy

A performance.  It's all a performance.  That's how we live life these days.

This blog post started in my head 2 weeks ago on Easter Sunday when a gentleman in our church talked about what God was doing in his life.  What he said was so good.  He said

Beware.  This is a performance.  Me, what I'm saying right now as I stand up here, is an act.  And I'm thinking about what you're thinking of me, and I'm thinking about how I can impress you.  And that's what you see.  But what matters, what really matters is what I think, how I act, what I do when no one else could possibly observe me.  What is my relationship with God like then?

I've been thinking about that for 2 weeks now.  And I've been thinking about how right he was.  This blog post, this one I'm writing right now, is a performance - you can't know if I'm being real with you or not.  You can only know what I choose to share with you.  And as much as I'd like to say it's all "real" and I'm sharing who I "really am," the reality is that as I type, I worry about what you will think.  

What will my Georgetown friends think?  What will my Michigan friends think?  What will my closest friends think?  What will the people from my church think - is it Christian enough?  Is it too Christian for my Georgetown friends to get through - don't want to turn them off, if they even still read these things...  Who's going to figure out who the guy I mentioned above is, and will it upset him that I used his thoughts on my blog?  And who cares about what I think anyway?

We all do it.  In fact, I think this time we live in - this time with thousands of TV channels, reality shows, the internet, Facebook, blogs, My Space, Linked In, Twitter, Stumble Upon, Pinterest, YouTube - makes putting on a show so much easier.

We have perceptions of ourselves that we project into the social-media-sphere as if there are hundreds - nay thousands - of people out there just dying to know what we're having for supper, which color of shoes we wore, what political issue we're ranting about, what funny thing our kid said (clearly the funniest thing any kid ever said - why else would I put it on Facebook and then check 30 times a day to see how many likes it got?  ...and then notice that my version of the post got more likes than my husbands - clearly my Facebook following is more loyal and "close" to me than his is to him!).

What is this that we're doing to ourselves?  Isn't life hard enough without living it purposefully in front of presumably thousands of people?  And yet we willingly walk into this trap which breeds insincerity, insecurity, and isolation.  

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying - I love Facebook!  I am posting this on my blog, for Heaven's sake, after I just finished browsing Pinterest - clearly I don't have a problem with using modern technology and social media as major means of communication.  Having said that, I'm lamenting the pitfalls that we dive into head first and then wonder why we're paralyzed by them.

Feelings, fears, hopes, dreams, hurts, heartache, longing, love - these are delicate.  They must be handled with the utmost respect, care, and gentleness.  They require honesty, openness and above all safety to experience, to share, to process.  Why, then, do we put these most delicate and valuable of things out for all the world to see, strip ourselves bare of the very things that make us who we are, and then scream and wail in torment when others respond harshly to them.  

I didn't tell you when we were trying to get pregnant with Lily until we were already, safely pregnant.  Why?  Because there were too many insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, and emotions wrapped up in that decision to share it with everyone - to share it with anyone.  We needed to wrestle with those questions alone - what if we can't get pregnant?  What if we do and lose the baby?  What if the baby has health issues?  What if we can't handle it?  It was too raw - Chase and I needed to face it together with only our most trusted confidants to help us through.  And 1,000 questions of "any luck on this cycle?" and "are you doing ok?" and comments of "hope it's going well ;) ;)" were not the "support" we needed.  So we didn't share.  

I don't tell you when Chase and I have an argument - spousal disagreements aren't meant to be had via IM or text and especially not via Facebook wall.  Face to face, that's how those things are worked out.  The eyes, they say, are the window to the soul - I don't find Windows on my desktop to be a suitable alternative.  

And yet there's this conundrum, this challenge inside of me that says, "You write so eloquently about not living life as a performance out there for the world to see, but yet you encouraged your 18 month old daughter to perform when your friends were over tonight.  Didn't you coax her into saying the funny things you've taught her?"  

Caught.  It's true, I'm caught, because I did just that.  At the same time, I think the argument I'm making here is that there are times it IS ok to perform, to put things out there - PLEASE post about your new baby on Facebook!  How else would I know you and baby are doing well?  PLEASE put pictures of your wedding, your family celebrations, your kids' everyday silliness up there - I love seeing those!  I want to know the witty/funny thought you just had about nose hairs or couch cushions or bad drivers - they make me laugh and brighten my day.  And I love reading your toddler's hilarious quote! 

But if I'm being honest, I don't want to know that you're fighting with your mother-in-law, or that your husband was cranky this morning, or that you're upset at "you know who you are."  If you want to share those things with me, would you please do them over a cup of coffee in my kitchen?  Those things mean you're hurting, and I want to be a real help to that hurt if I can.  Posting a response of "R U ok?" just doesn't seem to have the same effect.  And if I can't be a help, a listening ear, a support in a real way, then why are you telling me?  I don't want to know - I have enough other things to deal with today and I don't need the temptation to gossip.

So I try to find a balance - I know what I do and do not want to share with the world, and I try really hard not to use social media as a method of punishment or retribution or accusation.  And I try to share things that will be uplifting, funny or thought-provoking for you, because those are the kinds of things I like to read on your wall.  I try to be real, but not intimate.  Social media is not the place for intimacy.  

And I wonder, what about my daughter?  She is, after all, repeating everything we say, and trying to do everything we do.  (Since 12 months, she's been able to unlock our iPhone and iPad - it won't be much longer and she'll want a Facebook account of her own!)

What am I teaching her?  Am I teaching her that her inmost thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, loves - who she is at the very core - are the most precious things in the world?  Am I, by my actions, postings, replies, and IM's, teaching her that there are things about herself that she ought not share with the hundreds - nay thousands - who may be watching her online?  And am I teaching her the truth that the hundreds - nay thousands - who may be watching her online are really only the few - maybe 3 or 10 people?  And of those 3 or 10 people, the ones who need to know those precious things about her probably already know them, and the others, well, they're just snooping anyway.  It's called "Facebook stalking" for a reason.  

I don't want my daughter to grow up in a world, nor do I want to live in a world, where all we do is perform. I want to be real, and I want to teach her to be real - in the right places, at the right times, when she's safe, with people who will love, respect, and cherish those most precious and intimate thoughts.  And I want to teach her to perform in an honest way when it's not safe to share those things.    

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs.  If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.  

Jesus didn't have Facebook or Twitter or the blogosphere or YouTube, but somehow He knew what happens when precious things are revealed to those not intended to see them.  I guess human nature hasn't changed much.  

Perform honestly when it's appropriate to perform.  Be intimate only when it's safe.  Treasure your pearls. (Matthew 7:6)