I love my husband imperfectly, and I guess I'm used to realizing how imperfectly I love him (sorry, honey). But tonight was really hard for me. As I read If You Give a Cat a Cupcake to Lily before I put her to bed, I choked up. I almost couldn't finish the book. It's not a sappy book. In fact, it's about as adorably un-sappy as they come. It was just that as I read it, I was thinking back over the day and realizing how imperfectly I loved my little girl.
The day started out wonderfully with breakfast and a play date with friends that was SO much fun! Toward the end when there were just a few of us left at our house, we got out Lily's Princess Jeep. She's still too little for it, really, but we have it rigged so she doesn't have to push the pedal, and one of us walks around the yard with her while she "drives" to ensure no trees are injured. (*disclaimer* There is a video floating around Facebook where the neighbor's tree gets in the way of the Jeep. I contend that it was Photo Shopped...)
Lily and her friend Lucy drove the Jeep all over the yard, but I could never get the two of them looking at me at the same time for a picture!
I like this last one. It's like they're driving away into the sunset, or like they're off to live the rest of their lives, or like they're headed straight for Lily's trike and the side of the house...
The morning was so much fun! I felt like a good mom, like I'd FINALLY hosted that play date I've been meaning to have for months, and like I provided my daughter with a great morning of interaction, stimulation and learning. Then we had an abbreviated lunch (due to the impending necessity of a nap), and I put her down for her nap (to much objection). Maybe it was with that objection that the twinge of guilt over imperfect love started...
At any rate, she napped, I made cookies, she got up, we played in the yard, talked to the neighbor, went for a bike ride, and headed home. I decided that despite the fact that it was about 5:00 pm, we should put on our swimming suits and make the first trip to the pool this summer. Lily cried through the putting on her swimming suit process. She cried through the heading out the door to the pool process. She enjoyed the stroller ride, but then sulked in my lap as we sat on the edge of the pool and I tried to trick her into dipping her feet into the water. She pulled her feet up and whined in protest any time a drop of water touched her.
After a few minutes of complete and total pool failure, we packed up and headed home. Then when I offered supper, she was too cranky to even consider it, so she stood on her kitchen stool and cried. I made her a PB&J and put a can of beans in front of her on the counter as she stood on her stool, and within minutes it was all gone. The kid was hungry, for goodness sake!
Once she had some calories in her, Lily's evening improved markedly, but she spent most of what remained with her daddy in the den while I worked on some things in the kitchen. By the time I put her to bed, all that was playing in my mind was the failed pool attempt, and (I forgot to mention it above) the failed potty training attempt that ended in wet underwear and shorts but no remorse or understanding on Lily's part, which made me feel like a bad mom because I'm pushing the potty thing when I should just let her be 20 months old for heaven's sake and enjoy her being 20 months old instead of trying to make her older than she is!
Just about the time the cat (in If You Give a Cat a Cupcake) was going to the museum to see the dinosaurs as I read to Lily, that's when it all hit me. I don't love Lily perfectly. I was frustrated with her fussing, when really I should have given her supper. I was frustrated with her unwillingness to enjoy the pool, when really I shouldn't have pushed her to go - I was the one who wanted to go so badly.
I have so much to learn, so much to improve, so much to grow - and I didn't even mention any of the ways I loved my husband imperfectly or how far behind I am on those "wifely" tasks like picking up and laundry and dishes. I feel selfish and foolish for thinking that maybe I'm ready for the next thing when I can't even get right this thing I have now.
But then I remind myself that I'll never get it exactly right. I can't. I'm human (much as I hate to admit it). Perhaps the thing that was so hard to realize today was that I can't get love right. If I don't keep my house clean or if I don't get the laundry folded (which I never do when I should... Let's be honest, who does?), then who cares? No one is hurt as long as it doesn't get too out of hand. But if I love poorly? If I get that wrong, then what?
I'm not sure what happens then, but I do know that there is One who knows what Perfect Love looks like. Guess I need to do a little more studying and work on how I love...
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