Scattered

I can't focus.  I don't know what my problem is, but I can't focus, and this post is an attempt to help me gather my scattered thoughts, arrange them in some sort of order, and start to process exactly why I've been so scattered lately.  

Last night it stormed.  Loudly.  Which woke me up once I finally got to sleep.  Before bed, I watched an episode of Downton Abbey, I tried to read a book, I tried to totally relax.  My mind raced.  What's up with that?!?  It's very abnormal for me to have any trouble falling asleep, but last night I sure did, :and none of the usual habits worked.  Once asleep, the storm woke me and then I got overheated, then I got too cold, then... well, you see how the night went.  So of course I woke up at 6:45.  Awesome.

What am I thinking about?  I start to make a list in my head of all the projects we need to tackle this holiday weekend around the house.  I get two projects down the list, and I'm distracted by how I recently did something to hurt a friendship I really treasure.  What should I do to try to mend that wound that I made that I knew better than to do?  Will I ever be trusted again?  Then I think about my closest friendships and how some are slipping away and some are growing dearer.  How do I want to pursue growth in each one?  Then I think about my husband and what goals we have and are we achieving them?  Then I think about my family and what I ought to be doing differently in those relationships.  Then I think about Lily and how I ought to be better than I am at planning activities for us each day.  Then I think about money and how are we doing on our monetary goals.  Then I'm back to thinking about the projects we have to do this weekend, but then my thought cycle starts over again...

Am I the only one who does this?  Usually I can stay pretty much on task - if my mind wanders, at least my hands can start and finish a goal.  Not so it seems.  Maybe it's been the change and activity we've had going lately.  

The first big event of the month was my sister's graduation.  She's the "baby of the family" so it was a glorious and at the same time difficult day for my parents.  Someday I imagine I'll understand better what they were going through emotionally, but for me, I was just glad we made it through the ceremony without any major mishaps from my daughter.  She chilled through a good chunk of the ceremony like this:

Why the sunglasses?  Because she can.  Why her Dad?  Why not?  Why the pacifier?  Because I can.  I'm sure some of you are thinking how ridiculous it is that my 19 month old daughter is still using a pacifier in public.  To that I say, she's my daughter, and if it helped us get through the long ceremony without a peep, then that's my call.  In my opinion, a well-timed pacifier use is a mom's best friend!

We're so proud of my sister for making it through high school well!  Now she'll be working through the summer and off to college in the fall.  I wouldn't trade my life, but in many ways I envy her.  I loved college!

The weekend of graduation was, as you might expect, rather full with lots of receptions to attend, my sister's reception to help host, and all manner of graduation activities.  The following weekend we went on a cruise.  My mom, sister, brother, sister-in-law, Chase, and I took a weekend cruise to the Bahamas and had a great time.  It was the first time since Lily was born that I'd been without her for more than about 36 hours, and the first time since I can remember that I was responsible for literally nothing.  It was glorious!

We ate good food, slept, swam, lounged, read, relaxed, sunburned, and generally enjoyed ourselves fully.  5 days without Lily seemed like a lifetime when we left, but once we got to the airport I was glad she was safely with family and friends and not stuck in airports, on planes, or with us out late at night.

Now we're home and the calendar tells me that summer is upon us.  I'm sitting here in a hoodie wondering if that's really the case, but I suppose it will come with time.  I'd like to plant flowers this weekend, play outside, go for walks/bike rides, and enjoy the green that's all around.  But for the moment it's rainy, dreary and a bit melancholy.

I suppose it feels a bit like my soul - a little out of season, unfocused, not really sure what it should be doing.  Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I need to spend a little time doing something to feed my soul.