The Fear

Can I tell you something?  I'm afraid to have a son.

It's true, he's measuring big and has this whole pregnancy.  I'm not particularly looking forward to the birthing experience knowing that.  But that doesn't scare me.  Sleep deprivation doesn't scare me.  Two kids sharing a room doesn't scare me.  Providing for another member of our family doesn't scare me.  These things will work themselves out.

I'm scared, afraid, terrified, because the reality is, I don't know how to raise a son.  I was scared to be Lily's mommy, but I knew that I had a good role model in my own mother.  My sister and I have "turned out well" I guess you'd say.  I'm not trying to brag, but somehow when our parents disciplined us, we got it.  We took on the challenges of life and while my sister and I haven't come through baggage free (no one does), we chose not to take "easy" roads laden with trouble that were presented to us.  My mom, in particular, walked with us, shepherded us, modeled for us a life we wanted.

On the other hand, the boys in my family of origin, my two brothers, struggled.  They had a hard time facing certain challenges and making good decisions.  One brother's story is complete, was complete 14 years ago when he was just 10 days shy of his 18th birthday.  It was a story with much joy, yes.  But if I'm being honest, there was much difficulty there too.  My other brother has walked a long and arduous road and has, for some time, been settled, content.  But there were years that were torture for him and for us as his family.

Why, when we were all 4 raised under the same roof, did we see such different outcomes?  I think of my own little growing brood and wonder these things.  And I imagine my parents, and all parents out there, ask such questions to themselves.

I'm scared to have a boy, because I don't really know how to parent him.

But then, God promises not to give us more than we can handle right?  (How's that for taking Scripture out of context!  Ha!)  And I believe that this child I'm carrying was chosen, uniquely designed, to be part of this particular family.  I feel terribly unprepared, horribly unworthy, desperately unsure.  But I'm moving toward feeling settled none the less.

Perhaps this is how Chase felt when I was pregnant with Lily.  The youngest of 3 boys, he watched his parents raise all three of them well, but he never watched them raise a girl because they never had one.  (To be fair, Chase never said that - this is just me inferring things.)

I'm scared to parent a boy.  But I believe in God's sovereignty, in His wisdom, in His unending grace, that He is sufficient.  So I'll pray, and research, and read, and learn from those He has put around me.  And I suspect He'll guide this whole "parenting a boy" thing, and I'm sure I can trust Him with that.