Moms judging moms

To all of my mommy friends, I have a confession.  I don't really want to say it, but I feel like it needs saying.  And after I say it, I will need to explain, so go with me on this...

I "judge" you whenever I'm around you.

There.  I said it.  And it's true.

Every time we have a play date, every time we hang out, every time we run into each other with our kids (or husbands) in tow, I am watching you.  I see how you respond to your infant's dimpled smile; I see how you put the toy just out of reach of your baby learning to crawl.  I watch you address your toddler's tantrum; I watch each time you offer food to your little.  I notice the way you hand your phone to your preschooler and how you call your school age child to come to the car, it's time to go.

I can't help myself!  I watch it all, and I assess it.

I go home and mention to my husband how you dealt with a situation.  I explain what I liked or didn't like about it.

And I'm not telling you this to make you uncomfortable around me.  Because, the truth is, I know you do it too (even if you don't want to admit it).  Maybe you don't rehash the details of day with your hubby quite like I do, but in your mind, you're doing it too.

But hear me when I say this:  I am on your team!

When I say I "judge" you, what I really mean is that I watch, take it all in, figure out what I like or don't like about how you live life, and I try to learn from it.  I put into practice what I see you do that I believe will be effective with my family.  And I try to avoid those things that I don't think will work with the rhythm of how the House of Francl functions.

I do NOT think you're a bad mom because you do things differently!  I may not like the way you addressed a tantrum, or the huge bow on your baby girl's head, or the car seat cover you use, or the type of jammies your kids wear.  But that doesn't mean that I think it's wrong that YOU do those things.  I only mean that they're not for ME.

There are rights and wrongs in the world, and I acknowledge that there are times I do make value judgments about how others do things.  Abuse and neglect are not ok.  Swearing or beating - those are clearly wrong.  But on the whole, you, my mommy friends, are amazing!  And we were each entrusted with these amazingly complicated creatures called kids.  Yours are different than mine, just like you are different than me.  Therefore, you function differently, do things in ways I wouldn't, and raise your kids in ways I won't, because you're you and I'm me.

Can we celebrate that?  Please?

I love the things I learn from the variety of friends I have as we ache through the growing pains of parenthood.  This thing ain't easy - from the sickness of early pregnancy, to the mountain that is labor and delivery, to the sleepless nights, weird diets, Curious George 4 million times, peas-in-the-hair-at-every-meal, running like crazy to keep up with the activities, worrying all the while that each decision will result in my somehow ruining my child.  And none of that even touches the foundational, lifelong challenge of character formation!

So, thank you, my friends, for letting me learn from you.  And please, learn from me - learn those things you want to do, and those things you don't.  And let's celebrate this life.

On that note, I want to take just a second to put in my two-cents about an issue that has filled my Facebook feed since I first got pregnant 3 years ago.  Vaccinations.

Oh. My. Word.  People!  If there was as much concern from people who are not parents about the unborn who are aborted each day as there is about whether or not my child is vaccinated, we would live in a world with many fewer abortions.  Holy smokes!!!

Here's the thing, no one, and I mean NO. ONE. cares more about my children than I do.  And, no one, NO. ONE. knows them better than I do.  I pour myself into these little beings day in and day out, and I watch them, closely.  So closely.

If there is something wrong with them, I know it.  And I will hunt, search, research, dig, press, push, and advocate on their behalf until I figure out how to fix it.

So when I choose not to vaccinate my newborn, know that I am doing so because I have agonized over it.  I have weighed the pros and cons.  I have read both sides' research.  I have assessed the health of my child and consequences to your child of me not vaccinating.

I am no idiot, and I am not against the public health.  BUT

But I will not put my child in a position with which I'm not comfortable simply because others are trying to bully me there.  And that goes for those who are pushing me NOT to vaccinate as well as those who are pushing me TO vaccinate.

Not that it matters, but my kids are vaccinated.  Not on the schedule that the APA puts out, but on a schedule that I am comfortable with based on my research of the vaccines, of my kids' risk factors of catching each disease, and of my kids giving your kids a disease should they catch it.  I have weighed it all.  And my decisions are ones that I will have to live with.  You don't need to remind me of that - I am acutely aware.

And I (incorrectly, I'm sure, but I choose to assume the best) assume that each mom makes this decision because it's what she believes is best for her kids based on their environment, their risk factors, their health, their situation, their rhythm of life.

Being a mom is hard enough without pressure (from people who aren't parents, by the way!) telling me what I ought and ought not to inject into my children.  When my diet is so restricted that I'm basically eating straight beef, pork, potatoes, peas and rice for weeks on end because anything else I eat bothers my nursing infant, there is no way NO WAY I'm going to inject ANYTHING into him until his body figures out how to handle mommy milk with a little grain in it first.  I am the one who will have to deal with the consequences of EVERYTHING that I allow into his little body and environment, not you.  I take these decisions very, very seriously.

I'm ranting.  I think you get my point. I'm just tired of it.  I know there was a measles outbreak.  I know it's a miserable, dangerous disease.  And I'm sorry for those facing very scary days because of it.  I am.  But bashing what I believe is best for my family isn't going to fix the measles problem.  Probably it's just going to entrench me more into my way of thinking.

And to all you moms who have had to make the vaccination decision, either way (because whether you vaccinate or not, you're making a decision about it), without researching the pros and cons to both sides, take an evening and read up on what is in that little vial that they're injecting into your baby.  Research how developed immune systems are at what ages, and what your risk factors are for various diseases.  I'm not saying do vaccinate, and I'm not saying don't.  I'm saying educate yourself so that when someone tries to bully you into doing what they think is right for your kid, you can stand up to them and tell them to stuff it where the sun don't shine.  YOU are the mom.

God chose you to raise your kids, and you have to stand before Him one day and answer for the way you did it.  You are the only one who can know which decision is right for your family on vaccinations and SO MANY other, much more important issues.

So back to my original point:  I watch you, and you are amazing.  Keep on, mom.  Keep on.