All she wants is to be a mommy

Pregnancy has begat many interesting conversations with Lily, who just turned 4 a week ago.  She's intelligent, an observer, a thinker, terribly sweet, and very attentive to all things baby-related this time around. She wasn't quite as attentive when she was 2 and I was pregnant with Connor, but this time around is a different story.  

I wrote last month about how Lily was working out HOW the baby was going to get out of my tummy.  You can read about it toward the end of this post: Holding on for dear life.  The gist of it was that I told her that I would have to push the baby out kind of like pooping, but that the doctor would catch the baby - the baby wouldn't end up in the toilet.  That satisfied her, for a time...

So last week we were sitting at the table talking over our lunch, and Lily looked at me quizzically.  "Mommy, does the baby come out the front bum or the back bum?"  (You see, when you potty train a girl, you have to be careful to teach about the "front bum" and the "back bum.")  I just looked at her.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I mean, she's 4 years old and a couple of days and I'm having this conversation?!?  What kinds of conversations am I going to be having with her when she's 11, 12, 13, 17, 21?  Maybe we'll have had all the complicated ones talked out by then so we can have more simple conversations when she's an adult like, "Pass me the pink marker, please." and, "What color should I make the princesses dress in this picture I'm coloring?"  *sigh*  

Those deep brown eyes still gazed at me intently waiting for the truth she knew I'd share, because that's what mommies do.

"Well, honey, God gave mommies a special 'middle bum' that is just for babies to come out of.  It's in between the front bum and the back bum, and only just babies come out of it."  

Satisfied she went back to eating, and (blessedly) conversation turned to smoother waters.

I thought the topic was settled.  I would go to the hospital, I would push the baby out of my middle bum with a little help from Daddy and the doctor.  Lily and Connor would stay with Grandma while I did that, then they would come visit at the hospital, and we wouldn't have to talk about this any more.  Then yesterday...

We're soaking up all this amazing fall weather we've been having - 60's and 70's with little wind and perfect for playing at the park.  After an hour of running around at the park, I loaded the kids up in the stroller and started for home.  About 1/2 way home, Lily turns around and asks, "Mommy, when I'm a mommy, will I have a middle bum?"  

The shock at each of these new questions is starting to wear off...

"Honey, you already have a middle bum.  God made girls with middle bums so they could have babies.  But you won't have a baby out of your middle bum until you're much older and married.  Like 25 or 30.  Like Mommy's age."

And then came the root that begat all these questions, "But Mommy," Lily said as the tears welled in her eyes and made her voice quiver, "I want to be a mommy NOW!"  

Her sincerity was both heartening and heartbreaking in the sweetest way!  A pure desire to give love to a little one - not that she really has any idea what kind of love a newborn needs.  The good news, I told her, is that she doesn't really need to be a mommy right now - she can leave that to me.  But what I need for her to do is be the best big sister to our Bitty Bear who will be here very soon.  I need her to love him, to help take care of him, to protect him.  

She's going to be SO good at it, too.  I know, because I watch her with the little brother she already has.  She is learning to be patient with Connor, to share with him, to have fun with him, to help him, to teach him, and to be an example of a loving sibling. 

I've wondered about her sensitive, sweet, gentle spirit that tends toward perfection and requires much assurance and affirmation - will she be ok as the oldest?  At this point, I wouldn't call her a terribly confident child in situations she's never been in before.  How will she hold her own with two younger brothers?  But then there are magical moments where I see her teach, lead, yearn to love more.

She will be fine.  She will be better than fine...

She IS a marvelous older sister and with a little encouragement and direction, I think she always will be.

*Photo credits to Kathy Chase