Why isn't my house clean? Why is my dog suddenly suffering from what I think is allergies and is consequently shedding all over my house? Why didn't I do the dishes before I came to bed? Why is my laundry piled so high? Why haven't I done the laundry this week so it wouldn't pile up so high?
Why did we stay out so late tonight? Why didn't I just stay home with my baby rather than take her out? Why didn't I do that thing I promised that friend I'd do by tomorrow before now? Why don't I start a comprehensive "to do" list with all of the big projects I've promised I'd do for others or I'd like to get done so that I don't constantly think to myself, "oh, I should do that - and I should write it down somewhere so I don't forget"?
Why do the necessities of life take so much time? Why do I have to sleep? Why do I have to eat? Why do I have to use the bathroom? Imagine how many hours I could gain in life if I simply didn't have to ever use the bathroom! Why can't I shut off my mind?
Why don't I just get up and switch out the laundry, so then I wouldn't lay here thinking about how I need to do the laundry? Why didn't I hand-wash that dress I have to wear tomorrow today? Why didn't I think to get that done?
Why is there always so much in life I want to do that I simply can't? Why is the road to hell paved with good intentions? Why can't good intentions lead to good actions? Why can't my life be full of action rather than intention?
Why is being a mom so hard? And why didn't I know that being a mom would be so easy? Why didn't I clean the bathroom tonight when I saw it needed to be done? Why did I leave the basement such a mess? Why is cleaning such a big part of what I expect of myself?
Why, why, WHY??? It is perhaps one of the hardest questions in life to answer, I think, because it goes to the heart of things, to the motivation, to that thing that makes a person tick. The who's, the what's, the where's, the when's, and the how's state fact. They can be researched, studied, and there is, generally, one right answer to such questions. On the other hand, the why's are subjective, changing, personal, and not so easy to state as fact. The why's are nuanced.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed by my own expectations of myself, or simply by life, like I am tonight, I find it a relief to ask the why's. I know a God who is omnipotent, and He knows the answers to the why's, even if He doesn't tell me. And in those moments when I ask things like, "Why do you have to teach me that I'm weak by making me sleep for what could otherwise be 6 productive hours?" or "Why do I have to face that person I'd really rather not see right now?" or "Why did my brother have to die?" It's in those moments of asking why that I'm thankful for my God, because even though I'm overwhelmed and He's not telling me the answer, He's the kind of God I can trust, even when I don't understand.
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