Things Lily Says...

This picture is a bit old, but it's what I have access to at the moment.  It was taken about 3 months ago, but it is one of my all-time favorites.  I feel like it captures Lily's spark and spunk.

She's 2.  Twenty-eight months to be precise, and she has ideas all her own.

"Pink is my favorite color."  (Yes, yes it is, as evidenced by the pink marker being the first to dry out.)

"Mommy, is our baby in your tummy?"  Yes, he still is.

Sometimes when I drop her off at places like her babysitter's house or Grandma's house, she'll ask if Mommy went to get the baby out of her tummy yet.  Or she may tell them, "Mommy went to get the baby out of her tummy."  Someday, in about 10 or 11 weeks (assuming we make it to full-term) that will be true.

When we talk about baby brother, it usually goes something like this:
Me: "Lily, do you love your baby brother?"
L:  "Yes, I love my baby brother."
Me:  "And he loves you."
L:  "Yes!  And he will like my cup, and he will like my tent, and he will like my big girl bed, and he will like my lightning bug, and he will push me in the stroller, and he will like my fish, and he will like my things..."

When we go to my mom's house, Lily always ALWAYS asks for fruit snacks.  Mom gets the Hello Kitty kind that Lily particularly loves.  Sometimes if I'm around and Lily knows it's likely that I'll tell her no (because Grandma certainly won't!) Lily will turn to Mom, furrow her brow, and whisper, "fruit snacks?"

Lately she has been telling me, "I don't want to [fill in the blank]"  It was cute.  Once.  It goes like this:
Me:  "Lily, come put on your coat."
L:  "I don't want to put on my coat."
Me:  "Lily, you need to obey and put on your coat."
L:  "Mom, I don't want to put on my coat."
Yeah.  We're working on that.  While it's nice to know what she wants and doesn't want, and it's fantastic that she can tell me, she still needs to obey, the first time...

When her daddy didn't understand which snack she wanted from the cabinet, she told him, "Why don't I just show you."

She's become quite the mini-mommy to her dollies lately.  One in particular (my Cabbage Patch doll from when I was little) is her favorite because we have a play pacifier that actually fits in her mouth.  Lily brings dolly to meals and puts dolly in her tiny high chair beside our table.  Lily tucks dolly into bed at night.  Lily puts dolly down for naps (which requires turning on Lily's 3 night lights, music, and turning off the big light after singing dolly a song).  The other day, Chase and I were in the kitchen where Lily was playing with dolly.  All of a sudden, Lily held dolly up and said, "Oh!  You have to go potty?  Hurry, hurry!"  She then ran to the bathroom, stripped dolly naked, got the potty chair out of the closet all by herself, and set dolly on it.  *sigh* Clearly she knows what to do... if only she'd actually do it herself!

"Is your doctor sick?"  Lily asks this because last week I was supposed to have an ultrasound.  We packed up her dolly, her doctor kit, and the video camera.  We told her about how the doctor would show us pictures of baby brother on a big TV screen and we'd get some new pictures to bring home.  We made it all the way to the doctor's office (a 30 minute drive) talking about how we'd see pictures of baby brother soon.  Aaaaaaaand the doctor was sick that day.  (Ironic?  Indeed.)  My phone had been on the fritz, so the message hadn't come through.  So we explained that the doctor was sick and wouldn't be able to show us pictures that day.  Nearly every day since she's asked if the doctor is still sick.  I now just agree and tell her that we'll go again on another day when the doctor isn't sick.  That appointment is 3 weeks from now.  Do you think she'll forget to ask if the doctor is sick by then?

The Cost of Motherhood

Today at church we celebrated Sanctity of Life Sunday, a day to commemorate the sanctity of human life, specifically regarding the unborn.  This was particularly emotional for me because I will celebrate 29 weeks of pregnancy tomorrow.  As we prayed for expectant mothers facing the choice of life or abortion, my son did calisthenics inside my womb.  Blame it on wacky hormones, but I teared up.

I wanted my 2-year-old daughter before I conceived.  I wanted my unborn son before I conceived.  I wanted and want to be a mother, their mother.  But I have also had moments in each pregnancy where I wondered, What in the world did I do?  Can it be undone?

Is there anything quite so intimidating or terrifying as becoming a parent, or becoming a parent again?  And is there anything quite so hard?

As we prayed for the unborn, for their mothers, for our leaders, for our nation, I thought of my pregnancy complaints this week: stretchmarks appearing ALREADY (at 29 weeks!  Where in the world is this baby going to go for the next 11 weeks, and what will that mean for my body?!?), backaches that keep me up at night, waking up to roll over when I do finally fall asleep despite my back, waddling as I walk, not being able to pick things up off of the floor without much effort and inevitable heartburn, and let's not even talk about bladder weakness, putting on socks, or the future prospect of labor and delivery.  And my pregnancy has been EASY - no real morning sickness or complications of any kind.  And I have a husband and family who surround, uphold, encourage, support, spoil, and pamper me to no end!

I thought about those women who face the decision of life or abortion, and I feel for them.  Many of them don't have a great support system, many of them may face very difficult pregnancies with complications, many of them are real with themselves about how incapable they feel of being a parent.  I get it.  I get why they make the choice to abort.

BUT

But understanding why they make the choice, having sympathy for the challenges they face, feeling my body change and knowing that they don't want to/don't feel capable of handling those changes - none of that changes the fact that abortion ends a life.

I don't know what your moral code is, but according to the moral code by which I live my life, that is murder and murder is wrong.  So while I sympathize, while I understand, I cannot simply overlook that abortion is never a better option than life.  I do not believe that size, location, quality of life, being wanted, or ability to sustain life independent of modern technology determine humanity.  And if they don't, then the fact that a person is tiny, inside a womb, may not have the middle-class lifestyle, tmay not be wanted by their biological parents, or may not be able to survive apart from a breathing machine aren't reasons to end the life.  It's as simple as that.

While that is my stance, I also want to take a moment to acknowledge again the hard work that is parenting.  Over the past 3 years (since I conceived my daughter), I have learned that there are no vacations.  There are no days off.  There is nothing about parenting that is easy.  I thought the infant stage with constant physical demands was hard.  But then came the challenge, lifelong challenge, of character formation and development.

What am I supposed to do when I tell her to look at me, and she looks straight ahead while rolling her little brown eyeballs over to look at me out of the corner of her eye?  What am I supposed to do when I tell her to go into the house and she just crosses the threshold from the garage to the house?  What do I do when I tell her, no, you can't have applesauce right now, and she goes over and hits the fridge as hard as she can, then turns to look at me to see how I'll react?  Do I spank?  Do I do time out?  Do I give her a look?  Do I ignore the behavior?  And what if Chase and I respond differently?  What teach her that the status of her heart is more important to me than the location of her body?

And compared to the years to come, these are easy years, I'm told!?!

This article talks about some of the challenges of being a stay at home mom:  Why My Wife's Job is Harder than Mine

I share it, not because it's in any way about who has the harder job.  I'm not even a full-time stay at home mom.  I work part-time.  I share it because the author has a deep understanding of how important teaching and instruction in the home is.  He also shows great appreciation for the work and efforts of his spouse.  And you know what?  I bet his spouse greatly appreciates all he does for her.  And that will translate to the kids - what a great gift.

Parenting is hard, on so many levels.  But, you know, despite the struggle, despite the effort, despite the stretch marks, sleepless nights, aching back, and life never again really being about me, there is nothing I would rather do.

Motherhood will cost you EVERYTHING.  But the payback is worth every "sacrifice."  In fact, they don't even really feel like sacrifices in light of the resulting blessings.

Greatness of Soul

I meant to write a nice post summing up 2013 before that year reached its conclusion; however, that didn't happen.  It felt like a rough year to me with lots of emotional ups and downs... hard things we faced.  I couldn't wait for 2014 to come.  But then 2014 came, and on its inaugural day, emotional baggage was pulled from the depths of the past decade and laid out for me to have to face.  I couldn't avoid it, I couldn't shove it aside, I couldn't walk around it.  I was actually depressed for a couple of days as I sifted through the muck.

So I gave up that idea and traded it for writing a post about new years resolutions for 2014, which seemed like it would be more fun.  Not that I'm necessarily into resolutions, but evaluating one's life on an annual basis seems to me to be a wise use of time.  I couldn't do it, not as 2014 didn't seem to start with a clean slate at all, and I had no clear direction.  Instead, many of the hard things of 2013 and years prior seemed to follow me, run ahead of and taunt me, haunt my dreams as 2014 got underway.

Now, here we are, 12 days in to the year, and finally, I can do it.  I feel like I can face 2014.  I know what my resolution for the year must be, and I am so grateful!  For me, this year will be about Greatness of Soul.  Let me explain...

Tonight, I channel surfed as I sat on the couch in the den doing some mindless work.  I flipped aimlessly through the channels until I saw the face of one of my undergraduate professors (and later colleagues) from my time at Hillsdale College.  Dr. David J. Bobb was on C-SPAN.  I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I've watched C-SPAN (it's not my favorite channel), and Dr. Bobb, while good, did not make my all-time favorites list of profs either.  Still, when you see a face you know well on TV, you stop.

He was being interviewed on Q&A about his recently published book:  Humility: An Unlikely Biography of America's Greatest Virtue.  He used phrases that I used all the time at Hillsdale that I never hear now, things like "primary source documents" and "constitutional liberties" and "greatness of soul."  I sat there, for 30 minutes in our den, surrounded by our beloved books from undergrad neatly shelved, soaking in the depth, goodness, and fullness of stories of Lincoln, Washington, John and Abigail Adams, Frederick Douglass.  I love them.

It was like water to parched earth.  I don't know how else to explain it - it felt SO good.

As I sat there, my son kicked, rolled, tossed, and turned in my belly (we'll be 28 weeks tomorrow!).  And I knew that that was it.  My resolution for 2014 is to focus on Greatness of Soul.

This year, I will give birth to our 2nd child, our son.  The expectation, then, is that our family will dote on, love, and otherwise raise him (though I take none of that for granted - only God knows what the future holds, and I trust Him with it).  Aside from preparing for and doing that, I'm trying to simplify life, to say no to things, to put fewer expectations on myself, because, frankly, I won't have time.  But Greatness of Soul...

That is something that must be done, that must be pursued.  In the midst of 9-month pregnant largeness, newborn nighttime feedings, dirty diapers, boundary-testing toddlers, play dates, babysitters, visits from grandparents, tripping on toys at 2am, work, dirty dishes, laundry, playing at the park, family get togethers, and all other things that make up life...  In the midst of all these things, we must nurture our souls.

If we don't, then we risk losing so much.  In fact, I believe that it is in the midst of raising our families, of spit up and tantrums, that cultivating that deepest part of who we are is most essential, most critical, most vital.  For if we lose sight of Greatness of Soul as we gaze into the eyes of our newborn miracle, when will we ever find it?  Additionally, if I don't nurture my soul, how can I teach my children that they must nurture theirs?

The urgent is the enemy in this sort of pursuit.  Things that must be done like paying bills, mowing the lawn, nursing the baby, sleep, going to the bathroom, dishes and laundry are all urgent things.  They often cannot be put off till tomorrow, or at least are better not put off till tomorrow (especially going to the bathroom!).  BUT they aren't really, in the broad scheme of things, that important.  (Ok, so nursing the baby really IS important, but I think you know what I mean, right?)

Do you care to be remembered as the person who kept the perfectly mowed lawn all summer?  Or would you rather be remembered as the person who understood the good because you took time to ponder it, to wrestle with it, to work through what good is, why it's good, and why it should be pursued?  Don't get me wrong - we work hard all summer NOT to be the neighbors with the unsightly lawn, and there is good in that.

But to focus on temporal things at the expense of considering the lasting, the timeless, the eternal things - that would be a tragedy.

Parenting a son scares me to death.  Honestly.  After over 2 years, I'm getting pretty good at the mom-of-a-daughter-thing.  I'm not perfect, but I get it.  She's sensitive, so dramatic emotions are normal for us, but I can't let her use tears to manipulate me either.  I'm learning how to cultivate her sweet little spirit, I'm experimenting with how to help her face situations that intimidate her, I can relate to so many of her likes and dislikes because they mirror my own.  She likes pretty things, frilly things, pink things.  She says "Aaaaawwwww!" when she sees a puppy or a kitten because she gets it; I get it.  I feel like I'm good at the girl thing.

But a boy.  Yikes.

I want to teach my children so much - their letters and numbers and good manners, yes.  But also and much more importantly how to love, how to learn, how to face difficulty, how to serve, how to lead, how to follow.  But teaching them each of these things requires that I set the example.  And how am I to set the example if I don't learn to do them well myself?  That is what I mean by Greatness of Soul.  And I can only learn such things from those who are far better at them than I.

That's why Abigail Adams, Lincoln, Washington, and the others were so refreshing to learn about tonight.  They have Greatness of Soul.  Their stories have survived the years.  They, too, raised families, but despite all of the urgent things required of their time, they also cultivated their souls.  These, and others, are who I ought to study, so this year, I will.

I've rambled.  I'm sure I haven't answered any questions for anyone who may read this, but I don't care, because the important thing is that I've answered the question I've had.

Q:  What is the goal/focus of 2014?
A:  Greatness of Soul

2014, bring it on.