A muddled goodbye to 2015

Tonight Chase and I went through our books.  We have a lot of books.

 

This is about 3 shelves worth of over 25 shelves...

Touching the books, feeling their weight, flipping through their library-scented pages always makes me want to read more.  I should sort my books every day and I would read a lot more!  But then I wouldn't be living life, would I?

 

We talked tonight about how great it was to have a few years of our lives fully devoted to intellectual pursuits.  We had 4 years of college and we both completed graduate school before we had kids.  What a gift those years were!

 

In many ways I feel much less sharp than I did 6 years ago when I completed my master's degree.  Those parts of my brain feel rusty, dim, cobwebbed.  (Is "cobwebbed" even a word?)  I think I'm stupider.  (Is "stupider" a word?  ...Mabe I'm just less sharp.)

 

But then in so many ways I feel like I know SO much more.  I know better now what is trivial and what is really important.  I know the drudgery of grocery shopping, how long it takes to wash a full counter of dishes, how many days I can go without showering and still go out in public, and how unnecessary cable TV is.  I know what it is to see a tiny face for the first time and fall so helplessly in love that I can't remember what it was like before, even if before was just minutes ago.  I know what it is to power through on a few hours of sleep night after night, because that is the new normal.  I know what it is for "normal" to change on a weekly and sometimes daily basis as we all grow, develop and learn. 

 

I know better now what I don't know. 

 

I don't have it all figured out, and I can embrace that.  I am learning still and always, making 1,000 adjustments a day. 

 

I know that the greatest impact I can have, the grandest legacy I can leave, is to love my children well. 

 

As 2015 comes to a close, I've been ruminating on the fact that the decisions we make early in life, very early, can affect our children and by so doing can affect our children's children and even beyond. 

 

The friends we make when we are in grade school and high school can affect our grades and our social behavior.  Habits we begin in high school usually carry over into college, and often in college we meet or marry our spouse.  And so that friend I made in 1st grade, and the peer pressure we put on each other throughout our growing up years, affected who I married.  And who I married REALLY affects my kids and me!

 

And there are so many things like that - decisions we make when we're too young to even understand that we're making a decision, and they can have great impact for generations. 

 

So how can I help my kids make some of those early decisions well?

 

(This next bit has 2 parts that circle back to the above question, so bear with me.)

 

[Part 1]  One of Mr. Rogers' (of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood) quotes has popped up a few times this year:

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.

The concept of play being work has changed the way I look at play with my kids.  I'm generally a task-oriented person who thrives on structure.  I like structured play - blocks, playdoh (with a rolling pin and cookie cutters), board games.  And during the day I often do structured work while my kids play independently from me. 

But I've started working at playing in a less-structured way - letting my kids do the work of play rather than always keeping them to the structure I want to impose.  I can see that play is preparing them for life - play kitchens, tool sets, dolls, instruments, and pets make sense to me.

But then I wonder... 

[Part 2] 

I can't find the exact quote at the moment, but President Franklin Delano Roosevelt talked in a speech about a future in America where technology would provide time for leisure.  (Little did he know how true that would be...)

We have leisure almost all the time as compared with previous generations.  I don't have to boil water to do laundry.  I don't even have to hang it out to dry!  I don't have to cook - I can go out to eat.  I don't have to clean - I can get a vaccuum robot that will do that while I'm gone.  I don't have to meal plan or make shopping lists - I can subscribe to an online service that will do that for me.  I don't even have to shop!  I can get just about anything delivered to me. 

And I can Facebook, or Instagram, or Pinterest, or a zillion other things any time on my smartphone.  I can literally be "watching" cable TV while playing a game on my Kindle, Googling something on my phone, and blogging on my computer AT THE SAME TIME!  That's 4 methods of leisure all at once!!!

I work outside the home a couple of days a week, yes.  At a school where I spend most of my time on a computer.

[Bringing it all together...]  Is that what being an adult is?  Spending hours a day on a computer at work only to come home and spend more hours in front of a screen for play?

If that's what being an adult is, then I'm not exactly sure what kind of play I ought to be encouraging in my kids if their play now helps prepare them to be adults later. 

Should I let my kids sit in front of screens all day to prepare them for their futures?  The experts say that's really bad for their brain development!

As I help my kids measure ingredients while we make cookies, I wonder Will this be useful for them someday?  Surely it will be.  But what practices do we have today that will be completely obsolete by the time they're adults?

One that has changed since I was a kid is the phone book.  I don't have a phone book.  But my parents had one, and we used it all the time.  My mom would put a piece of scotch tape on the edge of the pages that we used the most so they'd be easy to find.  We'd look up phone numbers, of course, but we used them for other things, like pressing petals and leaves or as a booster seat to make us taller.  Lily, Connor and Spencer will never know what a phonebook is.

I think it's true to say that we've been moving from a culture of mostly work toward a culture of mostly leisure.  And to be really honest, that scares me.  Leisure without work isn't appreciated.  And too much leisure simply leads to trouble.  There's a lack of purpose in leisure if it's had too often that can eat away at ones soul.  And really, that's what scares me most. 

I want my sons to have work to do, real work, that makes them feel manly and become manly.  I want them to find purpose and feel like they have something valuable to contribute to the world.  Because I know they have something to contribute to the world, but they may not know that themselves.  And I want the same for my daughter!

The Copy Cat

 

This guy... (*ugh!* Isn't he just to die for!?!  He is so handsome and cool!) This guy does absolutely whatever his big sister is doing.  From the toys she's playing with, to the things she eats, to the places she goes, he is all about being just like her.  That won't always be the case, but right now it is.

 

Today the two of them were at the table finger painting.  She made a particular sound when she wiped her hand on the rag I'd given her.  He picked up his rag, and attempted to make the same sound as he wiped his hand.  It was adorable!

 

And this girl...

 

This girl is my little "mini-me."  The other day we were sitting at the table and someone did something outlandish.  Lily said, "Oh, for goodness sake!"  Chase and I looked at her.  We asked where she'd heard that.  She responded to me, "You say it after 'Good Heavens!'"  And you know, she's right.  I do say that... 

 

So she copies me and he copies her, and what I look into each day are the eyes of my little mirrors.  But these little ones have minds of their own, wills of their own, and purposes all their own to accomplish in the world.  My job is to help prepare them for those purposes.  But I don't know how to do that!  This world is a fickle, changing, complicated place, and I'm not sure at all how to get them ready for it.

 

Looking Back and Moving Forward

Today as I changed Spencer's diaper, he looked up at me and grinned the biggest grin, then cooed at me.  And I was grateful I could see his smile and hear his sweet voice. 

 

I walked into the kitchen to Connor's bellowing "MOOOOOMMMMM!" When I looked at him and said, "what?" he shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room.  And I was grateful his strong lungs could bellow and my legs could carry me to his [albeit] unnecessary call.

 

I snagged Lily as she tried to sneak past me.  I tackled her and tickled her till she laughed a true belly laugh.  And I was grateful for strong arms, and a girl to hold in them.

 

Spencer balanced in my lap, as Connor tugged on my pants, and Lily demanded "Read, Mom!" while I sat on the couch trying to manage them all post-nap.  And I was grateful for noise, stinky diapers, high-pitched squeals, messy faces, uncombed hair (theirs and mine!), dirty laundry, unmade beds, mac n cheese and hotdogs, early mornings, late nights, toys to trip over, and a million other things that could be daily annoyances. 

 

2015 was pretty awesome.  It had it's moments of difficulty, but on the whole, it was a really, really great year.  I have no idea what 2016 might hold.  Someday I may look back at it as a year with great difficulty, or perhaps it's a year that will blur into so many others as just "normal," or maybe it'll be "The Year" - that stellar year we'll talk about for the rest of our lives! 

 

At this point I can't know.  But I do know that I will cultivate a household of gratefulness.  Gratefulness for even those things that seem like challenges or difficulties, because we always, always have something to be grateful for.  And expressing that gratefulness helps put other things into perspective. 

 

So as we say goodbye to 2015, here are some pictures of Christmas - one of the best Christmases I can remember...

 

She decorated a bunch of cookies by herself!

 

Snow on Christmas Eve.  <3

 

Santa came!

 

These two sat and opened stockings together and admired
one another's presents.  They were excited for each other,
which was so fun to watch as a parent.

 

So very grateful that he walks this crazy life with me!

 

They are the best.

 

Christmas at Gram's.

 

What a great family!

 

Santa's helper.

 

Ready for stockings.

 

The evening talent show.  Lily got a saxaphone,
and wanted to play it alonside Grandma.

I feel like this post is very muddled.  I'm processing, and clearly I have more processing to do.  But for now, I'm grateful for the time I've been given and I look forward to the time ahead.  Here's to 2016!

 

 

 

Merry Christmas, Little Loves and Lilyisms

Quite unlike the Grinch, I love Christmas - the whole Christmas season!  It is Christmas Eve, and in anticipation of the great day tomorrow, I thought I'd record just a bit of the lead-up this year...

 

My view while hanging Christmas lights. 
Spencer slept inside (I had the monitor) while
Lily and Connor played outside.
Here they're digging in my planter.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving weekend we decorated and watched Charlie Brown
Christmas for the first time.  It and the Grinch have become fast
favorites around here, both working their way into Connor's limited
spoken vocabulary.  "Grinch?" and "Brown?" are frequent requests.

Connor sitting in the ornaments' storage box with
his truck.  He was a big helper in decorating the tree.

Despite his small size, Connor wanted ornaments
hung all over the tree.  I mean ALL over the tree,
including on the star.  In fact, if all the ornaments
could have been on the star, I think he would have
had us put them all there.  Daddy and I limited it
to two.

Helping me make Christmas goodies. These two are really
fantastic!  They (mostly) don't taste ingredients while cooking,
and they (mostly) don't snitch the goodies when they're cooling...

This was Mommy-sanctioned beater licking.

Spencer snuggling with Great-Grandma Francl
on Chase's birthday, just a few days before Christmas. 

A focus around here lately has been sibling interactions - mainly
trying to limit the fighting and bickering and promote positive
play together.  We struggled for what seemed like weeks, and then
one day, we had this - happy playing together - and it seems to
have been a bit of a breakthrough.  Hurray!  It was a whole day
with almost no fighting or squealing (except in delight)!

We always celebrate Christmas Eve with Chase's
family.  This gift to "Ant Steph" was from my
nephew, Tyus, sitting in the middle of the other two
boys.  He's in elementary, and they made a really
cool wooden sign that they painted at school.
His mom told him he could give it to anyone he
wanted, and he picked me!  He painted it himself,
he wrapped it himself, and he wrote the tag himself.
It's one of my favorite gifts this Christmas!  Totally
unexpected.  It blessed this ant's heart to no end!

Just before we started opening presents at Chase's family's
Christmas.  Lily was clearly excited.  Connor had no idea how
excited he should have been.  Spencer slept through almost all of
the opening festivities.

Hurray for Christmas!

He is so cute it's almost too much for this momma
to take!  His first Christmas Eve and he's 2 months
old on it.  Here he's a little concerned/interested in
what his cousins are doing nearby.

We got home from Grandma and Grandpa's house well after the
kids' bedtime.  We tucked them in and then prepared for "Santa."
"He" came!

Full stockings.  Full tree.  Full heart! 

 

Christmas is easily my favorite day/time of the year.  Sure, it's "commercialized."  But I don't have to celebrate it that way. 

 

As Chase assembled one of my presents tonight (a stool for the kids to stand on while they help me cook in the kitchen), he commented how this is easily one of the very best times of the year to have kids.  We, as parents, get to celebrate again through our children - the light in their eyes, their eager anticipation, their wonder at the holiday. 

 

Last night as we drove home from looking at Christmas lights, Lily sat in the back seat and sang her own little made up songs....

 

"I love my parents, because they give me presents!"

"They show love by giving presents."  (At least she gets the reason for presents...)

 

Her songs shifted from presents to Adam and Eve:

 

"...but they said 'the serpent made me do it.'"

"They lied.  But God still loved them even though they disobeyed."  (We've been dealing with lieing lately.  Maybe I'm getting through?)

 

"Jesus was a present to uuuuuuuuuuuussss."

 

Christmas time with children.  The birth of the Christ-child.  Celebrating His birth some 2,000 years later.  What a treasure.  How blessed I feel tonight as I wait with eager anticipation mirroring theirs for Christmas morn. 

 

Merry Christmas, little loves.  Mommy can't wait to see you in the morning!

 

 

Here for a reason

My heart skipped a beat.  I dropped my washrag into the sudsy dishwater, took off my dishwashing gloves, and turned away from the sink full of dirty dishes to see her laying on the floor looking at me.

 

She didn't really mean it.  She didn't really know what she was saying.  She didn't understand the implications.  But it hurt my heart in a way I am still grappling to understand.

 

"I wish he wasn't here." 

 

She said it about her brother.

 

I instantly left what I was doing, walked over, picked her up, and said that we needed to read a book.  I sent up a silent prayer of thanks that I had bought the book a few weeks ago when I ran across it. 

 

It's called You're Here for a Reason by Nancy Tillman, and it is fantastic!  She's one of my favorite children's authors, because the messages in her books are so strong and so good for children to hear over and over again.  (On the Night You Were Born and Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You are two others we have, and another great one is The Crown on Your Head.)

 

Lily and I read the book together, but this time I replaced the word "You" with "Lily, Connor, and Spencer." 

 

Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here for a reason, you certainly are. 

The world would be different without Lily, Connor, and Spencer by far...

If not for Lily's, Connor's, and Spencer's smiles, laughs and hearts,

This place we call home would be minus a part.

Thank goodness Lily, Connor, and Spencer are here,

Thank goodness times two!

I just can't imagine a world without you.

 

I knew that eventually this idea would pop up - that when siblings aren't getting along or are being annoying, one sibling will think about another how easy life would be if that other sibling just wasn't there.  I grew up with 3 siblings.  I get it. 

 

However, I also remember, during my formative years, overhearing my older brother say how he wished he wasn't here.  I'd had that thought about all of my siblings at one time or another, but not seriously - just because I was mad at them for a moment.  It was odd to hear him say he thought the same thing, only about himself.  I didn't think he really meant it, but he wasn't saying it in passing - it was passionate.  He was upset.  And for whatever reason, he thought, in that moment, that the world would be better without him. 

 

He died a short time later in an accident.  And I can tell you definitively that the world was better when he was in it. 

 

We've all lost someone - a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a child, a relative, a friend.  Life isn't easy, and some people are really hard to live with.  But a world without even that difficult person just isn't quite right - something is missing.  (My brother wasn't difficult to live with, at least not for me, and especially not in his final year or so of life.  We were moving from being siblings to being friends.)

 

The reason Lily's comment made me react instantly was because I know what it's like when a brother is suddenly not there.  She didn't mean it - I know that - but comments like that have always cut deep since Chet died.

 

But the reason I've been mulling her comment over, wrestling with it, and working to get it settled in my memory before I go to sleep is that I value my children (and their dad) each more highly than any other thing in this world.  Their worth is far beyond any payment this world can offer.  And I want them to value each other in that same way.  But teaching that to a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant...  How does one do that?

 

For now, the answer I've landed on is to model it and to speak it to them often in as many ways as I can - that I value them each, and that they should each value each other.  Because there is no one like them and the world wouldn't be the same without them.  I'm not going to go around just saying that 100 times a day, but rather telling them that in 100 different ways and living my life as their mom in such a way that they "catch" the idea.  (You know, how kids "catch" on to things you don't even realize you do.) 

 

Tonight after the reading the book to her and before going back to the dishes, Lily and I talked about how it's ok to be annoyed or frustrated or angry with our brothers.  Twenty-month-olds can be hard to live with, especially for a 4 year old.  BUT we are ALWAYS glad that we have them, even if we're frustrated with them.  Because the world would be different without them, and our family would be minus a part.

 

Oh, how very grateful I am for the parts we have and that our world includes these three little creatures I get to call my own!

 

 

 

PS Shortly after I finished the supper dishes, I put Connor in the tub for a bath.  These two played for a long time together, and the giggles filled the house.  She loves him, and he loves her.  They are so lucky to have each other!  And imagine the giggles we'll have when Spencer is old enough to join in...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saying goodbye (and good riddance) to 30

The last 24 hours of being 30 have not been my favorite. Last night at about this time, I started to feel... not right.  The thermometer confirmed it - I had a fever.  And my stomach started rolling.  I was NOT happy.

It's never fun to be sick, but I feel like we've had more than our fair share lately.  Let me relate the last 2 weeks...

Saturday, October 24 - Lily puked on me, Chase puked before he took me to the hospital, and I birthed our 3rd child.

Monday, October 26 - We came home and thought all was well.  Nope.  Lily puked again.

Wednesday, October 28 - Lily's fever finally broke for good and she was FINALLY able to hold baby Spencer, because she no longer had a fever!

Monday, November 2 - Connor puked late that night.  And puked.  And puked into early Tuesday morning.  Poor baby!   He went through 5 pairs of pajamas, and Chase and I each went through 3 changes of clothes in an effort to not expose Spencer to what Connor was fighting.

Wednesday, November 4 - Connor's fever finally broke late in the day.

Saturday, November 7 - I come down with a fever late in the evening.

Which brings us to today, November 8.  I seem to be coming out of this illness having experienced only aches, a fever and a yucky tummy.  Tomorrow I will be 31 years old, and we are going to have a gloriously HEALTHY start to 31!  (I pray and I'm trusting we will, right Lord?)

But in the midst of hard things, there is always something to learn, things to appreciate, and a silver lining if only one looks hard enough.  So here is what I have learned, looking back...

THIS GUY IS MY ROCK STAR!

This picture was taken only a couple of hours after Chase had come down with the nastiness that I'm recovering from.  Spencer was just born, and here his daddy is with him, even though daddy wasn't feeling well..  I was in NO WAY sympathetic enough to him while he was convalescing.  I may have been in labor, but he felt like he was going to die (if he felt anything like I did when I was coming down with it).  And he muscled through.  He encouraged me, stood by my side, and celebrated Spencer's birth in the midst of feeling horrible.  I don't know how he did it.

Not only that, but he took care of all of us when we came home from the hospital (he was feeling better by then), took a sick day to help care for Connor, and waited on me hand and foot while also caring for Lily and Connor while I have been sick.  And the ultimate proof of his total awesomeness: he reached out to catch Connor's vomit at one point. With. Bare. Hands. And because of his quick reach, I didn't have to clean up a mess on the carpet.

Sorry to get graphic with you, but I need to remember and appreciate all this man has done to serve his family in the last few weeks.  He's a keeper,and he's mine, and I'm keeping him forever!

Thank you, Chase, for the way you serve us.  We are so blessed to have you, and we know it!  I have much to learn from you.

Happy Halloween from my 3 favorite little ones.

And then there are these three amazing little creatures.  Spencer has stayed healthy through it all, thanks to the amazing antibodies provided by mommy milk.  (Wasn't God awesome when he made mommy milk provide protection to tinies?!?)  Lily and Connor may have been sick in the last couple of weeks, but they were sick with a simple virus - the kind that we didn't even need to call the doctor for, because it was just a fever and tummy troubles that would eventually pass.

These kids are healthy.  Their immune systems are strong, so their bodies can fight off junk like this.  And you know, even when they felt crummy, they were still delightful to be around (which is more than I can say for myself...).

I don't ever want to live these last 2 weeks again.  They have been hard physically and emotionally.  But, we have survived them, and we are looking forward to good, healthy days to come.  Days in which we're closer as a family because we've had to care for each other and days in which we'll cherish our health in a new way.

Goodbye 30.  This last patch has been particularly rough, but it's over and 31 is here with no mistakes (or sickness) in it yet!

Introducing Spencer Lewis Francl

He's here.  Blessedly here!  And isn't he handsome?!?!

Spencer Lewis Francl.  
Born Oct. 24, 2015 at 5:57pm. 
8lbs, 5oz.  21 inches long. 

His name means "Provider" or "Dispenser" and "Famous Warrior."  His middle name being for, of course, C.S. Lewis.  We settled on his name the day we found out we were pregnant.  I knew it was a boy, and I knew his name, which solved many a late-night discussion for Chase- we didn't have to rehash names, ever.  I can't explain how I knew.  I just did.

I had no idea that he would come on Saturday. In fact, by 10am I was pretty sure he wasn't going to come until Wednesday, the 28th (his due date).  Lily had been up early Saturday morning from about 2:30-4:30.  She was emotional and whiny - uncharacteristic for her to be up in the night, but we didn't know what was going on with her.

I got up with the kids at 7:15am, and we watched cartoons, made pancakes and bacon, and generally enjoyed a lazy Saturday morning.  A little after 10, I realized I was supposed to be at a friend's baby shower (and if I wasn't there, everyone would assume I was in labor) so I headed to the shower and had a wonderful time with dear friends.

I got home at about 11:30, just after Chase had put Lily to bed, and she didn't seem to be herself.  She woke up about noon, and I went into her room to cuddle with her... and she vomitted on me and herself and bed and everywhere!

My poor baby! No wonder she was up in the night! No wonder she kept saying her tummy hurt!  No wonder!  She can be dramatic, so I never know when it's real... I hate it when I miss things like that.

We got her cleaned up, got her bedding going in the wash, got her settled with a movie and comfy clothes and blankets and all manner of sickness-comforts.  Then Chase started to look pale.  Oh, and our washer backed up into our shower.  Yeah, that was awesome.

By 1:00pm or so, I was singing Lily to sleep in our bedroom while Chase was looking more pale by the minute in the recliner.  (Connor was napping normally, thankfully, and my mom had come over to watch the Huskers lose to Northwestern.)

As I sang Lily to sleep, what had been Braxton-hicks turned into not-Braxton-hicks-contractions.  I could still walk and talk through them, but I didn't really want to.  I got in the shower (between loads of laundry, which thankfully, hadn't backed up in the shower since that first load) in an effort to relax and calm down, and there was no doubt:  we were going to the hospital SOON.

By 3:30pm (after a lot of instructions to Mom like, "this pile of bedding has been washed, this one hasn't been" and "here's how to put a duvet cover back on a duvet" and "here are the medical releases should you need them" and "here are pet-feeding instructions") we were on the road headed to the hospital.  Chase had thrown up before we left, but I had him driving, a bucket along, and a promise that he'd pull over if he needed the bucket.

The 30 minute drive to the hospital never seemed so long... for either of us.  We arrived at about 4:00pm.

Bless the nurses who saw me walk in and put me straight into a room without triage!  We got the IV in, got changed into a gown, did vitals, got checked (I was at about 5.5cm) and then I stood up to head to the whirlpool tub (my favorite place to labor).

My water broke.  I nearly swore out loud.  I assure you, I swore in my head.

I'm telling you who have never done this before - there can be for many women (and is for me) a drastic difference between laboring with water and laboring without water.  DRASTIC.  I knew I was in for it.  And I had no idea how long it would take.

They tell me I was only in the tub for 30-40 minutes before I said, "Get the doctor!"  And I was right.  The doctor walked in at about 5:30, and Spencer joined the outside world at 5:57pm.  Blessedly, it was only about 25 minutes of pushing, and it (ironically) felt like even less than that to me.

That's the doctor who delivered Connor behind him -
I love the expression on her face!  It was how I was feeling,
though not what my face looked like!

I went from about 5.5cm to having a baby in my hands in 2 hours.  I went from no contractions to having a baby in my hands in 6 hours.  I went from washing puke out of my hair and off of bedding/clothing/carpet to holding my newborn in 6 hours.

The shakes attacked afterwards (as they almost always do) and took a looong time to go away.  I bled a bit more than they like to see, so it was after 10:00pm before we really got peace and quiet.

Notice the wet spot on Chase's shoulder - it was from the cold damp
cloth the nurses put across his shoulders when he nearly passed out
while I was pushing.  Chase took a break for a contraction, changed
into a short sleeve shirt, and splashed cool water on his face in order
to be able to come back for the grand finale.  Thankfully I didn't
realize what he was doing - I just knew a nurse stepped in for a minute.

And now... now it is 1:13am.  I have beheld his sweet face for little over 7 hours, and my heart could not be more full.

A healthy newborn.
A healthy (recovering) mama.
A daddy who is finally feeling a bit better.
A labor short enough (unlike my other marathon labors of 17 hours and 26 hours) that my ill husband could make it through.
A dear friend who came at just the moment I needed her support to finish strong.
A dear friend who came at just the moment we needed her to help us settle in.
Family nearby, ready, willing, and eager to take sick children so we could focus where we needed to.
Children, brave beyond their years, who went with Gram even though all they wanted was mommy.
A call in to have our sewer looked at - at least it's not snowing or frozen yet like the last time it backed up!
Likely a 24-hour virus, just the kind I almost never get, and we should be through it by tomorrow.
Great antibodies being shared with our newborn through my system so he won't get sick.
A place to give birth that is equipped to handle excess bleeding and make sure mommy (and daddy and baby) are ok each step of the way.

I could go on, but I should go to bed.

We are blessed beyond all reason.

Lord,
Thank you for Spencer's safe arrival.  I fought with You in the shower as I wept over the timing.  I fought with You in the whirlpool tub as I wrestled anger over my water breaking "too early."  I fought with Your divine design as I pushed our little miracle into the world.

You are Creator, God.  You had a plan.  You have a plan.  And tonight, as I lay down to sleep, teach me yet again to rest in Your plan, in Your grace, in Your peace.  You know better than I know; Your ways are higher than mine; I will try to remember that in the future...
Amen.

*I wrote that late last night.  Here are a few of our favorite moments from today*

The Francl siblings.

Connor surprised us - we thought he'd likely be indifferent about Spencer.
Instead, he was as smitten as his sister was and wanted to hold his brother
all the time.  For the most part, Connor was very gentle.

He was gentle until we tried to take Spencer away, at which point
Connor would hold on to his brother as if his life depended on it.
I hope this is a sign of the friendship for years to come!

My little mini-mommy watched everything and is ready for her
baby brother to come home.  Look at that paci-magic she's working!

*sigh* These little ones are so very, very dear.

Look out, world!  The Francls are now a family of 5!

Settling in

It's been 38 weeks...  And I'm ready for it to be over.  No surprise there, really.  What woman at 38 weeks doesn't want to just go ahead and get the delivery business over and meet the little one who's been growing inside?  

I have thought since the beginning of this whole experience that this little guy was going to be coming early - before his due date.  Really, any time after 37 weeks is what I've been preparing myself for.  So here we are a week after that, and I'm still pregnant.  And I could be for another 3 weeks or so (any time between 38 weeks and 41 weeks is considered full-term).  Who knows?

I want to be impatient.  I want to rush things along.  I want to get this show on the road and get the pain and agony over with so I can enjoy the peace of knowing it all went well and my family all gets to enjoy baby.  

My laundry is caught up to within a day.  My dishes are [almost] always done.  My house hasn't been this clean for this length of time (we're talking like a week!) in I can't tell you how long.  I'm ready.  But then...

Then I think about how easy it is to feed the little guy right now; how even though I wake up multiple times a night to roll over, at least I can go right back to sleep and not have to stay up for an unknown amount of time to nurse the baby; how I can easily pack up my children and head to the park for an hour; how I can prep a meal while daddy and the older two play in the living room; how I can hold all 3 of my children at the same time.  

There is much to be thankful for in these final days.  There are so many reasons not to rush things (not least of which is the last bit of development baby boy needs) and to just enjoy this last little bit of pregnancy.  So I'm trying.  In spite of the back/hip pain... and heartburn... and general discomfort... and...  

And anyway, I'm not really due for another 2 weeks, so bring it on pregnancy!  I'm going to [try] to enjoy it.  :)

All she wants is to be a mommy

Pregnancy has begat many interesting conversations with Lily, who just turned 4 a week ago.  She's intelligent, an observer, a thinker, terribly sweet, and very attentive to all things baby-related this time around. She wasn't quite as attentive when she was 2 and I was pregnant with Connor, but this time around is a different story.  

I wrote last month about how Lily was working out HOW the baby was going to get out of my tummy.  You can read about it toward the end of this post: Holding on for dear life.  The gist of it was that I told her that I would have to push the baby out kind of like pooping, but that the doctor would catch the baby - the baby wouldn't end up in the toilet.  That satisfied her, for a time...

So last week we were sitting at the table talking over our lunch, and Lily looked at me quizzically.  "Mommy, does the baby come out the front bum or the back bum?"  (You see, when you potty train a girl, you have to be careful to teach about the "front bum" and the "back bum.")  I just looked at her.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I mean, she's 4 years old and a couple of days and I'm having this conversation?!?  What kinds of conversations am I going to be having with her when she's 11, 12, 13, 17, 21?  Maybe we'll have had all the complicated ones talked out by then so we can have more simple conversations when she's an adult like, "Pass me the pink marker, please." and, "What color should I make the princesses dress in this picture I'm coloring?"  *sigh*  

Those deep brown eyes still gazed at me intently waiting for the truth she knew I'd share, because that's what mommies do.

"Well, honey, God gave mommies a special 'middle bum' that is just for babies to come out of.  It's in between the front bum and the back bum, and only just babies come out of it."  

Satisfied she went back to eating, and (blessedly) conversation turned to smoother waters.

I thought the topic was settled.  I would go to the hospital, I would push the baby out of my middle bum with a little help from Daddy and the doctor.  Lily and Connor would stay with Grandma while I did that, then they would come visit at the hospital, and we wouldn't have to talk about this any more.  Then yesterday...

We're soaking up all this amazing fall weather we've been having - 60's and 70's with little wind and perfect for playing at the park.  After an hour of running around at the park, I loaded the kids up in the stroller and started for home.  About 1/2 way home, Lily turns around and asks, "Mommy, when I'm a mommy, will I have a middle bum?"  

The shock at each of these new questions is starting to wear off...

"Honey, you already have a middle bum.  God made girls with middle bums so they could have babies.  But you won't have a baby out of your middle bum until you're much older and married.  Like 25 or 30.  Like Mommy's age."

And then came the root that begat all these questions, "But Mommy," Lily said as the tears welled in her eyes and made her voice quiver, "I want to be a mommy NOW!"  

Her sincerity was both heartening and heartbreaking in the sweetest way!  A pure desire to give love to a little one - not that she really has any idea what kind of love a newborn needs.  The good news, I told her, is that she doesn't really need to be a mommy right now - she can leave that to me.  But what I need for her to do is be the best big sister to our Bitty Bear who will be here very soon.  I need her to love him, to help take care of him, to protect him.  

She's going to be SO good at it, too.  I know, because I watch her with the little brother she already has.  She is learning to be patient with Connor, to share with him, to have fun with him, to help him, to teach him, and to be an example of a loving sibling. 

I've wondered about her sensitive, sweet, gentle spirit that tends toward perfection and requires much assurance and affirmation - will she be ok as the oldest?  At this point, I wouldn't call her a terribly confident child in situations she's never been in before.  How will she hold her own with two younger brothers?  But then there are magical moments where I see her teach, lead, yearn to love more.

She will be fine.  She will be better than fine...

She IS a marvelous older sister and with a little encouragement and direction, I think she always will be.

*Photo credits to Kathy Chase

Happy Birthday and so much more

If I would blog once or twice a week, it would be so much less overwhelming and so much more easy to pick what to put on each post.  But that's not life right now, so I guess I'll just be grateful that I have so much I WANT to put in my highly-irregular posts because that means that there is so much I want to remember about this time in my life.  Also, I should take more pictures.  But I'll just go with what I've got for now.  Here we go...

The 4th Birthday

So we now have a 4 year old in the house, and let me tell you, she knows she's 4.  She sat in a big-girl chair at Grandma's house today, she can do things herself (like scoop an enchillada out of the pan), and she thinks she ought to be able to boss her little brother around.  We'll be working on that last one for a while, I'm sure.  

Lily's 4th birthday celebration has been spread all through the month.  It started earlier this month with a Francl cousin birthday party that started at the river and ended at Chase's brother's house...

The weather and water were perfect, and the river was SO MUCH FUN!!!

Not 4 yet, but we celebrated anyway.  She didn't mind!

The birthday cousins (plus photo-bombing BJ).

She got the candles out without a problem.  Whew!

Presents are ALWAYS exciting!

We also celebrated at play group with Lily's friends, on the day before her birthday at our friend's house in Texas, on her birthday on the trip home from Texas, and on the day after her birthday when Mommy and Daddy gave her her BIG present:

Let's Go Fly a Kite

The other day was terribly windy, and, fortuitously, I cleaned out the cupboard that held the kite one of the kids got for Easter or something.  So we went and flew a kite, and it was the perfect day for it!

It was such a perfect, windy, blustery day
that even Connor could get the kite up in the air.

A Trip to Texas

What do you do when you're 35 weeks pregnant, have 2 children already, and have tons to do?  Leave for a week and go to Texas!  A college girlfriend got married last weekend, and we couldn't miss it.  That, and we had other friends with a big house, big hearts, and great hospitality waiting for us.  If not for the great gathering of those we love there, I wouldn't have tempted fate with the trip.  But since the group of us hadn't been together since college graduation 8 years ago, wild horses (or pregnancy, or a 13 hour drive with small children) couldn't keep me away.

Starting out, we were all optimistic!  Reality set in about 2 hours later,
and 8 hours from our destination that night.  We made it, and made it
home better than we did going down, but I would not recommend a trip
with a 4 year old and 18 month old and pregnant wife and patient husband
unless it's absolutely necessary.  In this case, it was absolutely necessary,
and we made the best of it.  The DVD player in the car helped immensely!

Finally together again, after just 8 years...  Seriously, we need to do this more often!

We had delicious food while we were there -
these are desserts I had with the girls at a chocolate
bakery nearby the wedding venue.

The ceremony was outside and it was beautiful.  We sat in the 2nd row, but Lily really wanted to be in the first row.  Since it was outside and we were on the outside of the row, we scooted her chair up to give her a front-row view.  With her recent concerns about picking out a husband, Lily was very attentive to this whole wedding-business whereby a boy and girl become a husband and a wife.  After the processional, Lily leaned back to ask her dad, "Why are there so many husbands up there?"  ...I should have explained groomsmen to her before hand.

As they prepared for the ring exchange portion of the ceremony, I leaned forward and let Lily know that they were going to give each other rings like Mommy and Daddy have that let everyone know they are husband and wife.  Lily's eyes got big and she sat up in her chair and turned her FULL attention to what was going on up front.  It was very sweet!

Connor had a little to add to the ceremony too.  Mostly loud toots that he let out during the prayers.  I guess I can be thankful he didn't laugh after he let them, right?

The wedding was a blast, and my favorite part
was having my college friends meet my kids.  They have
loved my kids from afar, and they finally got to see
what wonderful little creatures I get to spend my days with.

And who doesn't love a little dancing?

Reality check: when on a long car trip with kids, screen time rules
go out the window.  We did read books, play with stuff from busy bags
that I carefully packed after some extensive Pinterest research, and we
ate endless snacks.  But seriously.  DVD players rock.

She's 4! Can you even believe it? Taken in a McDonalds
somewhere in Oklahoma, this picture is now one of my
favorites of her.  She is amazing!

Habits to Remember

Lately, Connor has become terribly cuddly.  I don't know if he knows there's a tiny baby coming who will take up much cuddle time, so he's getting his in now.  Or maybe he's just hit an age or stage where snuggling is more fun because his attention span is longer.  Or maybe he's just realizing how much he loves us and uses cuddles and snuggles to show it rather than putting it into words.  I don't really know.  But in any case, he's been WAY more snuggly lately.  Especially to Lily.

For especially the last 2 weeks, he's needed her to snuggle him in order to be content in the evenings.  We sit down to read or the kids sit with their dad to watch a few minutes of football, and Connor climbs off of my lap or Chase's and onto Lily's. These 3 pictures were taken 3 days in a row...

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

As I look at these all together, he also needs his bear with him and his blanket and his plug.  These are his comfort things - his plug, his blanket, his bear and his sister.  Isn't that marvelous?!?

Ok, this next one is about Lily, and it's the funniest thing.  My kids get to spend every Thursday with their Grandma while I work.  They love it.  I'm often shooed out Grandma's door when I drop them off with Lily commenting, "Mom, go to work."  Obviously, Grandma's house is a wonderful place where much fun is had.

Grandma started doing these "puppet shows" with a bunch of random stuffed animals and beanie babies that she found in a tote in the garage of my sister's stuff she had saved.  Among the animals was a beanie raccoon that loved to go to the "park" and go down the "slide" in the puppet shows.  The shows were so common and repetitive that Connor could do the actions for them with the appropriate animal looooong before he could actually talk.

The raccoon, though, became a favorite, and grew a personality outside of the puppet shows.  Raccoon now goes everywhere with the kids when they're at Gram's house and has much to say (via Gram's interpretation) about activity.  Except last week they lost racoon!  Mom was getting seriously worried because she couldn't find raccoon after almost a full week of waiting for him to turn up.  However, we stopped by one afternoon when Gram wasn't there, and Lily spotted the devious little raccoon in a corner...

Lily and raccoon when she found him.  Whew!

I love how little brains attach onto some random thing - something simple and usually free - and it becomes a whole new world of exploration and adventure that occupies hours.  Cardboard boxes, playdoh, paper and crayons, a stick and a bug, rocks thrown into water, a stuffed animal, a blanket, a pillow - these and many more are magical things to children whose imaginations aren't yet spoiled by reality.  What a blessing and what fun!

Remembering the Day

Lily was born 30 years, to the day, after my older brother, Chet.  My mother and I became mothers on the same day 30 years apart, and I will always cherish that for many reasons.  It may seem like a silly little thing, but since my brother has been gone for 16 years now, this is one way he lives on every year.  He and Lily share their day - it turns sweet and celebratory a day that might otherwise be somewhat bitter and melancholy to remember.

Lily helped put flowers on Uncle Chet's grave this year.