Moments

A number of my friends have said (via Facebook or face-to-face or some other way) how very much they're looking forward to putting 2016 behind them.  "It's been a rough year," is the attitude, "one to happily put to bed like a cranky toddler or a drunk friend."  As I look back at my 2016, I can't disagree - it was really rough at points.

But I also vividly remember that night in late summer when Chase and I were laying in bed watching TV, and he commented that things were going so smoothly - almost too smoothly.  It felt like we were in the calm after the rain shower and before the storm.  And boy was he right.  It seemed like from that point on, we had a wild ride!

So much happened, both wonderful and difficult, that I can't remember exactly the timeline of 2016.  Instead, I remember the year in moments...

Moments

The moment I rocked my blonde, curly-haired 1-year-old back to sleep (which he never lets me do) because he was teething and sick, and I felt his body totally relax as sleep overtook him.

The moment I got the call that the interview went well.

The moment I heard the heartbeat of the baby being carried by the hemorrhaging pregnant mother I'd just driven to the hospital - I wept as I nearly collapsed on the nurses station.

The moment I stood in my kitchen weeping tears of joy because the Lord had provided a huge house for our growing family.

The moment I got the call that there was crisis in the family, and we needed to just walk this painful road together.

The moment my 5-year old stood in front of me trying to be silly by not smiling... and failing... again and again.

The moment I got the call from a friend to just "meet me at the hospital."  And the moment I took her kids so she could be with her husband as he fought for his life after an accident.

The moment my husband confessed that the "family Christmas gift" he'd ordered online the night before (which he'd told me at the time would take up "negligible" space in our house) was a 7-foot memory foam bean bag that would actually take up a whole room.

The moment we found out the order couldn't be cancelled.

The moment (every morning lately) I woke up to the large brown eyes peeking over the edge of my bed and the toddler voice asking, "Mommy, can you get up now?  I want bweakfast."

The moment I looked down and saw 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test when I was SURE there would only be one.

The moment I got to be part of a dear friend saying "yes" to the dress.

The moment I finally held the tiniest baby I'd every held outside of my body (by that time about 5 lbs), and I relived the relief from weeks before of hearing his heartbeat just before his mom went into an emergency c-section, of hearing from her doctor that his mom was ok, of hearing from his doctor that though he was just over 3 lbs, he would be ok too.

The moment our dearest friends and family gathered at the pumpkin patch to celebrate that we had survived Spencer's first year.

The moment all of our stuff was moved into our new house, only 3 hours after we'd started the process.

The moment I got the call that a friend was walking through a dark time in life and had made some mistakes, but wasn't ready to face them and pull it together just yet.

The moment I got the emoji text that a friend who'd been trying to conceive for a while had been successful.

The moment I woke up to discover that the election was over and life would, indeed (blessedly!), go on.

The moment I knew I was too sick to attend the birth of a baby I desperately wanted to be there to meet in person.

The moment we were finally a fever-free household after 2 weeks of passing the fever around.

The moments we chose to enjoy with those who gathered, despite the huge hole left by those who didn't or couldn't attend.

The moment we got the call that our friends purchased the farm.

The moment my 2-year old smiled in genuine pleasure and self-satisfaction as he opened the gift he KNEW he would be getting.

The moment I realized that somehow I have 3 children plus 1 on the way.  Who thought this was a good idea?!?

Steady 

As the moments flash through my mind, there are two steady factors in them all.  Two unchanging forces that have kept me grounded through the terror and fear, joy and elation, ups, downs, and everything in between.

The first is the Lord.  The only truly unchanging force.  Perhaps you think I need Him for a crutch, and I respond, "Of course I do.  Don't you?"  I am too changing.  The world is too changing.  I look at things, at people, and I know that they are imperfect.  But that, itself, means that I can conceive of Perfection because I can recognize imperfection.  Which means that on some level there is a Perfect Form - a Divine being.  Perfection.  God.  And I'm so grateful to know His unchanging nature in such a volatile world.

The second is Chase.  He, I can personally attest, is not perfection.  But that's actually a huge relief, because neither am I.  Can you even imagine how difficult it would be to be married to perfection?  But he is steady.  He is the one who most helps me stay grounded as we, together, take on all the challenges, joys, twists, turns, blessings, and defeats of life.  In fact, he has carried me, figuratively and in some cases literally, through this year in particular.  In each of these moments he was with me, walking life, encouraging, gently redirecting, patient, just what I needed.  I am so grateful for him.

I remember last year, about this time - between Christmas and New Years - I was giving Chase a haircut in our kitchen.  I remember tears welling up as I confessed how overwhelmed I was with life, and not in a good way.  Lily was 4, Connor almost 2, Spencer just a couple of months old.  Of course I was grateful for so much, but I was so overwhelmed.

So much has happened, but some things remain the same.  A friend asked me tonight if I thought I'd be able to do life with 4 littles.  (By May of this 2017, I will have 4 children ages 5 and under.)  "No," I answered without missing a beat.  Of course I don't think I'll be able to do it.  But I will.  And it will be wonderful and overwhelming and too much and not enough and all of the things it will be.  But most of all, it will be mine.  And because of that, I will cherish it all.

Here's to 2016's conclusion

The heartache, the joy, the days that we shall never live again.

Here's to 2017's commencement 

With eternal optimism may we embrace each day as the gift it is.

Happy New Year!

All the life

This will be the most picture-heavy blog post I’ve ever written.  And it’s because the last 7 weeks and 2 days have held more life for me than I could even remember till I went back and looked again.  And as this is my blog to remember my life, here are the things about the last 7 weeks and 2 days that I want to remember…

It all started on Monday, October 10.  I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with baby #4, and I had a 5 year old, a 2 ½ year old, and an almost 1 year old at home with me.  I was exhausted, as one always is in the 1^st trimester and when one has littles.  But that morning I noticed how grungy the fronts of my kitchen cabinets were.  They weren’t brand new cabinets or anything.  They were well-loved, oft-used cabinets in our rental.  But they were gross.  And it had to stop.  That. Morning.

So I did what any reasonable person would do.  I spent a good deal of time that morning scrubbing cabinet fronts and at one point I remember thinking, Huh.  I wonder if I’m doing this so that I won’t have to do it when we move someday.  I wonder if something is going to happen soon that way.

Things were getting seriously cozy in our 2-bedroom with 3 kids.  We’d recently moved the “master” bedroom to our den, so the kids didn’t all share a room.  Nap schedules and light sleepers made 3 in 1 room no longer feasible.  But our bedroom being in the den meant that our second living space went away.  We spent ALL our time in the living room, and it was cozy.  But we loved it!

That very night as Chase drove home, he noticed a “For Rent” sign in the yard of a huge house in town.  He asked if I minded if he called on it.  I didn’t get my hopes up, because I assumed the rent would be WAY out of our ballpark, and the odds that this would work out (after all the other doors we’d knocked on hadn’t) was slim.  But it can’t hurt to ask!

Tuesday morning, October 11, Chase called and set up to view the house that very morning at 11.  It was a huge 4 bedroom, 2 bath, open floorplan, beautiful, old house.  There were some quirks – things that were deal-breakers for me, but also things that could be changed easily if the landlord was willing to let us do the work.  (And by do the work, I mean pay our talented family members to do the work!)

By 12:30 Chase was on the road to work and we’d agreed that we needed to sleep on it for a few nights.  The rent was enough higher, the quirks were involved enough, we have a dog and cat and the landlord wasn’t a fan of animals (I can’t blame him.  It rarely works out well with renters with animals.) – it all just seemed not quite right yet.

At 12:45 I got a call from Chase.  He’d called the landlord and after talking a bit, the landlord (who said he had 5 other interested couples) offered to lower the rent to fit what we could afford.  The animals were no longer a problem.  We could change the quirks that I couldn’t live with.  And if we were ever interested in rent-to-own, that was an option too.  (P.S. I don’t think we’ll buy this house, but if we decide we want to, it’s an option.)

At 1:30 on Tuesday, the new landlord stopped by to pick up the deposit.  Done.  Overnight.  CRAZY!  (Do you see God winking in this… cuz that’s all I see.)

I stood in my kitchen in my 2-bedroom house with my 3 kids playing around me that afternoon and I wept.  I would have room for my new baby.  I didn’t have to spend the winter in my tiny house that I loved, but that was just getting too small for the way we live life!  (Hear me when I say I know many people live with many more people in much smaller space than we were in – but it was not right for us anymore and the Lord provided another option!)

Remember those cabinets I cleaned on MONDAY and then on
TUESDAY I find out I'm moving.  Coincidence? I think not. 

Ok, so let's move on to Tuesday night.  I was pumped and nervous and there was SO much to be done and I was SO tired.  The lease for the new house started on November 1, and as per the agreement with the new landlord, we got some off our first month's rent if I (and my dear friends and family who helped!) cleaned the new house so he didn't have to.  It was overwhelming.

I couldn't sleep.  Like, in my first trimester, I can sleep 10-14 hours a night if permitted.  I couldn't sleep at all.  Finally sometime between 4 and 5am, I ended up on the couch and eventually dozed off.

Wednesday morning, October 12, 7:00am.  Chase wakes me from a doze to say that one of my dearest friends who is expecting her first in about 8 weeks just called.  She's bleeding.  (I'm her person. *Added note* This girl has more "people" than anyone I know.  Her network is AMAZING, so it's not like I'm the only one in her court.  Her family is incredible, her network of close friends is unmatched, her support system is broad and deep and walks life with her like none I've ever seen.  But.  I'm her person for labor and delivery and walking these early days of motherhood...)

I curse.

That's why I was up all night - something was going on and I knew it but I didn't know what it was.  So.

I race to her house, get her in the car.  To the hospital.  Praying there's a heartbeat when we get there.  Outwardly as calm as I can be.  Inwardly as worked up as I've ever been, knowing we're seconds between the possibility of life and death.  Praying for green lights all the 25-mile drive.  Getting green lights.  Somehow beating morning traffic.  There is hope.  Emergency C-section.  Chimes play in the hospital for his birth at 8:15am.

Born at 31 weeks and 5 days, this little one is a fighter
just like his mother.  It was a close call - so close I
cry when I let myself think about it.  But we made it.
Just in the nick of time.

I spent a good deal of the next week bouncing between the hospital and home, and by dear family carried the brunt of my being all over.  Chase is a saint.  He's stepped up so many times to support me these past weeks.  And my family and friends.  Seriously.  Foster those relationships and give of yourself for them.  Because someday you'll need them and it's so humbling and so beautiful to watch the family and the body of Christ function just as it's supposed to in times of need.

In the midst of all the medical stuff our dear friends
were going through, my little one started talking!
It's a fuzzy picture (because he's always moving),
but it's his first word, "duck."

Once we made it through the emergency stuff and everyone was
settled and beginning the long road of recovery, it was time to turn
my attention back here, to my dear family and home.  Looking back
I can't believe how small our old house was!  But we lived in it
and made it work, and I honestly loved it.  (In this picture, notice
the empty spaces in the entertainment center under the TV on the left.
Lily and Connor were SO excited to move that they packed the first
2 boxes.  I wouldn't let them pack their toys or books, but I did let
them pack the movies.  It was a team effort and kept them occupied for
a good 45 minutes!  It was so sweet!)

Ugh.  And then.  In the midst of life, life happens, you know?  So one Friday night in October, one of Chase's friends came to town and they went to a local football game.  So I'm home with the kids, and I get them to bed at a decent hour and think, this is great!  I'll get a bunch of packing done!  But then...

Then I drop what I think (at the time) was a pen down the dryer lint trap...

Why do they put the dryer lint traps in such a
horrible place?  I mean, really, as if that isn't just
ASKING for a pen to fall down it!?!

I absolutely can't have ink all over our clothes and ruin the old landlord's dryer only a week or two before we move out of their house!  So I do the natural thing and Google "how to get a pen out of a dryer lint trap."

The first blog I read was of some poor military wife (whose husband was deployed) who initially drug her dryer out of her laundry room and down the hall to where she had room to turn the dryer upside-down to try to get the pen to fall out that way.  Blessedly she shared that this tactic is useless and moved on to other options.

I saw the light and laughed with/at her and got my advice elsewhere...

Turns out it's not that complicated to get to the bottom of the lint trap.  There's just a bunch of screws on the back of the dryer you have to take off.  But some of the screws are in hard-to-reach places.  I can run a screwdriver - it's not that complicated - so I got the back of the dryer off, eventually.  And man.  It was G-R-O-S-S!

Lint from who knows how long ago along with screws, pen parts, fake fingernails, men's dress shirt collar corners, buttons.  Yuck!

I never did find the "pen" I dropped but I couldn't get any more gunk out, so I screwed everything back together (it was painstakingly slow because of the screw placement - small areas to stuff your hands into and then try to spin something... Ugh.), put the vent hose back in place, pushed the dryer back, and started up the dryer...

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Silence.

Ugh.

So I continue reading on Google and find out that maybe something got stuck in the fan blades.  I should check there.

Naturally, the fan blades are right next to the bottom of the lint trap, so I have to remove all those same screws again.  I'm fed up enough that I go looking for a different tool and low and behold, after hunting through every tool box we own (like 3 small ones, because, let's face it, we're not very handy that way.), I found one that dramatically increased my disassembling/assembling speed!

Once I get in there, I find the culprit of all the trouble: a screw.  Sitting there, mocking me from between two of the fan blades.

Should be an easy grab, right?  Ha.

There was a lip on the edge of the casing around the fan blades exactly the height to stop one from rolling a screw out of the casing, and then the blades themselves were super close together so as to make a pinch grab impossible.  Additionally, I had to reach around and through some sharp metal pieces and... it just.  It took forever.

But I got it!  And as I was screwing in the last screw, Chase and his friend walked through the door.  Isn't that just like life?

But the dryer works!  More efficiently than ever in my opinion with all that lint and yuck out of there.

On with packing and life...

This little bit got transferred to a more highly
qualified NICU and began to put on weight and
grow.  I know it sounds crazy, but he actually looks
SO much better in this picture than he did when
he was initially born!  He and his mama continued
to improve little by little.

In the midst of moving, there was no way I was going to host a 1st birthday party, but first birthdays are big for me.  My kids don't remember them, but I do.  And they matter.  At least to me first birthdays do.  It's like I need to celebrate that we made it.  That first year is so physically involved - labor, delivery, nursing, nights, carrying, feeding, hauling, there's just so many things that can be forgotten, go wrong, or that I feel like as a mom I can mess up.  So my kids' first birthday parties have really been for me, to celebrate that we made it!

Since there was no way to host, I invited our dearest friends and family to a big party at my favorite pumpkin patch!  It was a couple of hours of wonderful celebration of this guy:

My little pumpkin.  One year old!

Birthdays are serious business around here.

He totally got the whole cake-thing.  :)

It was a wonderful celebration!  Thanks to those who came to celebrate with us!

After the party, the packing really began in earnest.  We were within a week of moving!!!

The books were the first to be packed.  Dear friends,
these books, who were a joy to get out again at
the new place!

The first 12 of about 100 boxes that were packed.

Despite moving, it was still fall and Halloween was just around the corner, and we'd just been to the pumpkin patch, so there were pumpkins to be carved!  The kids and I took it on one afternoon...

Spencer was my only child who would even touch
the pumpkin guts and seeds.  The older two watched
from a distance. 

Not only did he touch the guts, he adopted a large
hunk of guts as his own and carried it all over the yard.
And he took a few seeds with him too.

We had a little pumpkin, Cookie Monster, and Snow White (complete
with an apple as part of her costume) for Halloween this year.

This dear one was finally no longer intubated,
so he could be held, snuggled, cuddled.  Easily
the tiniest little I've ever held outside of my body.
And I hope he forever is the tiniest I ever hold outside
of my body.  He and his mom continued to take
steps toward eventually coming home.

12 weeks.  I definitely popped earlier with this
one than any of the others!

The community we have around us here is out of this world!  I feel like I've been blessed throughout my life to always have friends and/or family around to help when I've needed things, but this time... People showed up without being asked, they pitched in to do things I didn't even think of doing.  They carried me, truly carried me as we packed up, cleaned, prepared.  And they fed me and my family again and again.  THANK YOU to all who had a part in making our move happen!

The playroom - ready to move into.
One night 6 women showed up to help wipe down
walls, clean out cupboards, scrub bathrooms, and
the hours it saved me are overwhelming!

The TV room, ready to move into.  My mom took
some time off work to just go with me the day before
the move and do whatever I asked.  It was amazing
and exhausting.  She's the best!

Moving day!!!

The kids spent the day between my mom and my mother in law, and they did wonderfully through the whole process.  They slept, they ate, they were obedient, and delightfully themselves, which was so refreshing as I muddled through the chaos of the move.

It took 3 hours and we had 18 different people help during that time.  That doesn't include some who helped in the weeks leading up and others who helped after moving day.  It was really amazing!

Standing in the living room, looking into the
playroom the day after we moved in.  Boxes,
clutter, chaos.  Not how I live.  I was not fun to
be around for about a week.

The kitchen.  I HATE HATE unpacking the kitchen.  Because I
want to do it once and do it right and not have to move things
around, but I also don't know how I'll want it till I live in it a bit,
and paper plates just don't cut it.  Blessedly, all of those cupboards
had been wiped out and carefully lined with contact paper by people
who love me by serving me.  It was amazing when I finally did
get the guts to unpack the kitchen.

Another view of the playroom.  What you can't see is that behind
the boxes stacked 5-high, are 2 MORE rows of boxes stacked that
high!!! ARG!

A week after the move, most of the rooms were functional, but it just takes time to settle into a new place.

The settling is beginning.

Life events don't happen in isolation, so very shortly after the move, I had a wisdom tooth pulled.  I had 6.  Yes, 6.  Four were removed when I was in college, and this tiny one has slowly made it's way down and it broke through my gum line at the same time Spencer was teething.  (I was much more generous with Tylenol for him after that!)

I say I had a wisdom tooth pulled and people think it was a big deal.  It wasn't.  It was like having a baby tooth pulled.  My dentist actually told me that if I didn't keep the tooth, then she would because she thought it was so cute!  I wouldn't call it cute, but I did keep it and relieve her of that responsibility.

Wisdom tooth #5.  Only one more to go, someday.

The kids woke up one morning to the first snow
of the season, so naturally we had hot chocolate
for breakfast.

When you're a mom of littles, all you really want for things like birthdays or Mother's Day is a hug from your family, a good night's sleep, and a weekend away.  And that never happens, because you're a mom of littles and they need you and you need them.  But.

This year, I asked if Chase would "give" me a trip to see my college roommate.  I asked if my mom would go with, and my college roommate's mom came too.  We all met at my roomie's house in Iowa City and had a grand 24 hours together!

Breakfast at a packed diner.  Obvious why it was packed as we
ate the food!

My roommate recently got engaged, so we got in on the dress shopping... and found THE dress!!!!

It's truly perfect!  I cannot WAIT to see it again!!!!

Thanksgiving happened recently, and when you have kids in school, you get to do things like help throw parties for holidays!  I was in charge of games for the preschool's Thanksgiving party.  We played pin the tail on the turkey and charades, and the class, though they were missing a couple, did a great job!

Lily (second from left) with her classmates.

I didn't get any pictures of Thanksgiving, though we spent it with my family and Chase's.  Wonderful times had by all, more food than any family could possibly eat, and plenty of laughter.

We always try to set up the Christmas tree on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  Spencer was especially interested in the decor this year.

"Ooooooo!"

On Monday, I got out the rest of the Christmas decorations, and the
kids had a mid-morning tea party with my Christmas mini-tea sets
while I worked on decorating.

Boy, didn't that go fast from 12-weeks to 16-weeks!?!  SO much happened that it seemed like forever and the blink of an eye all at once...

I had all 4 kids with me at my 16-week appointment.  Usually I
try to just take the one in my belly, but this time it worked out
to have all of them along.

I have been surprised at how much the kids have talked about the old house.  We were in the new house all of 2 days when Lily said to me, "Mom, I think we should move back to the old house next week."  This, from the girl who was so excited to move, she packed the first boxes!

She's been in tears more than once because she misses "the big tree in the front yard."  I don't remember her caring that much about the tree until we moved.  Chase took the kids back to the old house so they could see it empty, and that helped some, but they still want to go back and see it every now and then.

There were tears when I stopped outside the old house to take
this picture.  It was a wonderful house.  And it's wonderful that
we have a house that is 2x the square footage now!

And now, for the grand finale!

Welcome to our home...

This is just inside the front door, looking toward the back of
the house.  I'm standing by the Christmas tree.

A very similar picture, but I'm standing by the desk now, so you
can see the kids craft table to the right, and the door into the
bathroom.  There's a little passage way there that also leads to
the playroom and the door to the basement (storage) is right there.
Also, the stairway to go upstairs is to the right of the kids craft
table.

Standing in the dining room looking back at the front room.
The front door is to the left of the Christmas tree.

Standing in the front room looking into the TV room.
The Christmas tree is to my right as
I took the picture. That's the front door there on the right. There are
emergency lighting and exit signs throughout the house.  It was once
a dress shop, and these bits of fire code were never removed.
Quirks I can live with for now.

Standing in the TV room doorway looking toward the playroom.

Standing in the TV room looking straight back through the
playroom to the laundry room.

Standing in the laundry room looking back through
the playroom to the TV room at the front of the
house.

I don't know if those pictures make any sense at all or not, but we're in.  No boxes.  Normal life.  I'm so glad the last 7 weeks are over and I never have to live them again!

Maybe another time I'll post pictures of the upstairs and all the bedrooms, but for now, this will do.  The little guy born 7 weeks ago today still isn't home yet, though thanks to the good work of medical professionals and the faithful being-there-ness of his mother, he's very close.  We'll find out in another few weeks if we'll be welcoming a boy or a girl.

And that's about all of life I can handle at the moment.

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas season!

Count the pumpkins...

Count the pumpkins, big and small....

The Francl family is excited to say,

Another little pumpkin is on the way!

I'm not sure if you can tell or not by the picture below, but Spencer is pretty pumped that he's not going to be the baby anymore!  Also, he clearly cannot wait to hold the new little one.  :)

I can't really express to you how much life has changed in the last 12 weeks or so.  This summer, we felt settled, relaxed, calm.

Funny how those times don't last very long!

The latest addition to Team Francl is due May 10, 2017.  Here are some things you may be wondering...

Wow.  That's a lot of kids in not very long.  How old are the others?  Lily just turned 5, Connor is 2 1/2 and Spencer will turn 1 on Monday.  That means that by the time baby comes, Lily will be 5, Connor 3, and Spencer 18 months.

How far along are you?  11 weeks.  Another week or two and I shouldn't feel so exhausted all the time!

So... Was this "planned?"  Ha!  No.  Surprise!!!  But not being planned does NOT mean not wanted.  This babe is loved, anticipated, desired, and we are SO excited!  I'd be lying if I said it didn't take me a few weeks to get there, but new life is ALWAYS something to rejoice over and celebrate.

How did you find out?  Home pregnancy test on a whim.  I'd had heartburn one day, which was very unusual for me, and I'd had some strange stomach pains that usually I only have AFTER I have a baby.  So the next morning I took a test and got 2 pink lines!  I was shocked, to say the least (which probably seems ridiculous considering I made the decision to take a pregnancy test.  But I take lots of them - a few bucks is never worth the wondering when you can just know.)  I took the positive test to the bedroom and woke Chase up (it was early in the morning) and said, "Chase!  Look."  And he said, "One line means not pregnant, right?"  And I said, "Yes.  But there are two lines."  And turned on another lamp.  In our shocked state, Chase was much better at being excited, but like I said, I got there eventually!

Boy or girl?  We'll find out around Christmas, but I think it's a boy.  That would give me 3 boys in about 3 years.  Can you even imagine how much fun they will have?  (Or how much rough housing there will be...  Lord help me!)  If it's a girl, then that's marvelous too!  I'll have a chance to get out all of the adorable little girl things I haven't seen since Lily outgrew them.  Lily is hoping for a girl, and the rest of us don't care.  It really doesn't matter - if I know my family, this babe will be smothered with more love than any child could possibly absorb as soon as we all meet!

What did the kids say when you told them?  Lily was thrilled, and if she's thrilled, then Connor is too.  When she got up in the morning, Lily kept asking (especially those first few weeks) if my tummy was big, and she'd check to see the progress.  She was sorely disappointed and just sure I should have a basketball size belly at 6 weeks.  Pretty much everyone I know of birthing age is either pregnant or nursing right now.  So my kids are familiar with the growing tummies of other mommies and the new blessings that eventually result.

Don't you live in a 2-bedroom house?  Where are you going to put this one?  In the bathroom.  We're having it remodeled.  KIDDING!!!!  Remember how I mentioned that life has been crazy?  First I found out I was pregnant, which naturally meant I was instantly SUPER tired.  Then I had the busiest weeks of my work year, then I slept for a week to recover, then Monday of last week Chase drove by a "for rent" sign in town.  Tuesday morning he called and we walked through the house.  By 1pm, we'd handed over a deposit check and we have a move-in date of Nov 5!

It's a 4-bedroom, huge, 2-story house, and the way the Lord provided it is nothing short of a miracle.  We've said all along this journey as our family has filled (to overflowing) our cozy little 2-bedroom, that when it was time to move, we'd be unified and know it was the right house.  We're unified.  We know.  It all happened in less than 24 hours.  And it's perfect for us.  I know some of you don't believe in such things, but I'm telling you, we are walking in miracles, and it is SO fun to see the Lord's hand so clearly guide our situation!

As I think about the coming weeks, months, and years, I am overwhelmed and grateful.  We don't have a lot of things that I used to dream of - fancy cars, a nice new house, dream vacations (or vacations at all?) or a million other things that used to feel important in life.  But we have so very much - 3 beautiful children safely born and growing.  One (obviously also beautiful) child we'll welcome when he/she is born; we are healthy; we have a roof over our heads (soon to be a bigger roof!); we have heat and air conditioning; and we live in a time where modern conveniences make life comparably SO easy.

But most of all, we have the best family and friends who step in and support us in ways we didn't even know we needed, and a relationship with a Lord who guides each step we take.

And I get to do life with my very best friend and easily my better half.  Is there anything more I could possibly want?

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city the guards stand watch in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—

    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

These forgettable days

Some days stand out in memory.  The feel of the air.  The glint of the sun.  The smell of the season.  All it takes to transport me back is another similar day at a different time, and there I am again in the midst of the merriment.  Or back in that moment...

Today was blessedly not one of those memorable days.  Two months or two years from now, I likely will not remember all that happened today.  And that's no slight to those we dearly love with whom we spent the day.  Rather, it is precisely the kind of day to spend on a beautiful September weekend.

Church.  Picnic for Chase's work.  Abbreviated naps.  Quick convertible ride for the kids.  Birthday party for one of the kid's friends.  Going away party for one of mine.  Cousin sleepover at grandmas.

It was a day stuffed full of wonderful things.  A day that is normal.  The usual.  Life.  Our life that we are so very blessed and lucky to be living.

A gift, this forgettable day.

I wish all of the beautiful September days in my life were so forgettable.

But there was that one.  That beautiful one.  Sunny.  Clear.  Warm but crisp in the early day.  Perfect.

Except for that moment when the world changed.

Seventeen years ago, time on this earth stopped for one, and it changed everything for me.  I write about it every year, and probably forever will.

It's strange to pass this day now.  I don't celebrate that he's gone, but I'm thrilled to be passing the 17th such anniversary day and not the 1st or the 5th or the 15th.  Each September 18th passed is another anniversary of that horribly memorable day closer to the other side.  And the other side is a thing to anticipate with great expectation.

In 10 days we will celebrate Lily's 5th birthday, and the 35th birthday of this little one:

My older brother, Chet, age 6 months.
He died on Sept 18, 1999,
10 days shy of his 18th birthday.
Except for the fact that it was the worst,
most memorable day of my life,
it was a perfect September day.

The quiet celebration of his birthday will happen under the radar as the jubilee of a little girl's 5th year is celebrated.  Though he is gone, still his birthday celebration lives on in the life of his niece, born 30 years after his own birth.  In light of that, it's hard to not over-do the celebration.  Life is so very worth celebrating!

I wish she could know him.  I wish I could know his 35 year old self.  But that was never to be, it seems.

And so I'm glad today is over.  Forgettably over.  These days I feel like we work so hard to remember everything - capture it to post it on Facebook or Instagram.  We Snapchat or Tweet about it, and try to emphasize the memorable dailiness of life.  

But someday when I can't remember exactly what these days with littles were like, when I'm older than I am now (even next week when I can't remember what I did only a week earlier!)  I hope I remember that forgettable days have their own charm and blessing.  I want to remember that the forgettable days are often the most perfect.  

May every day henceforth be precisely as forgettable as this one was.

We have a preschooler!

There are many things in life you can ease into - a bath for instance, or the lake, or even a new schedule or job.  But then there are those things that cannot be eased into.  They just are or they aren't.  School is one of those.  

Yesterday my oldest was NOT in school.  Today, she is a preschooler, and all it took was one day to feel a difference.  

Lily could not have been more ready for school.  She LOVES to learn, loves to be with friends, loves to have something that is hers and only hers.  It is time for her to be in school and she was nearly bursting at the seams with excitement!

Lily, excited beyond measure.  Spencer, woken from a deep sleep
just a minute before and wondering what is going on.
Connor, excited because sissy is excited, but not 100% sure why.

On the drive to school, Lily stated from her carseat, "I'm the oldest in the family, so I'm going to preschool."  Chase and I laughed.

We all walked sister bear into her classroom, got her backpack put in her locker, said hello to her teacher, and saw that she was playing with friends old and new before we headed out the door.  As we left the building, Connor said the thing that brought tears to my eyes.  He looked at me with eyes the size of saucers and said wistfully and questioningly, "But sissy is my best friend."

It was strange to him that we left her.  And it felt that way to us too as we 4 left the school and 1 stayed behind with her class.

When we got home, Chase headed to work and the boys and I tried to figure out how to pass the morning without sister instructing everyone as to what we should do.  Even without her, somehow, Spencer ate breakfast, a sink full of dishes were washed, Spencer napped, and Connor and I played.  I can tell it will take a little getting used to - this business of not having our sister here with us.  (I act like she'll never be around.  Preschool is only 2 mornings a week!)

By 10 Connor was asking, "Can we go get sissy?"  "Not yet, brother bear.  We'll go in about an hour.  Do you want to build a puzzle?"

When 10:45 finally rolled around and I announced that it was time to get ready to go get Lily, Connor had his flip flops on in a flash and was trying to open the door by himself before I even had Spencer in his car seat.

On the way to the car, Connor stated, "We're going to get sister, because she's my best friend."

When we picked her up, Lily seemed pleased and tired and somehow older.  As if she'd aged a good deal in those 3 hours we spent apart.  She was independent now.  She could do this on her own.  She was capable.

And between 11 and nap time, I noticed a certain superiority she feels she has now.  We'll have to work on that.

She told me how much she enjoyed her first day and all the fun things she did - a tour of campus, some papers, "there were toys, but no math today."

School is so good for her and for us.  But this parenting thing is hard.  It seems a lifetime ago that I lived in DC and found out I was pregnant with her.  So very much has happened since then.  But then, how can she already be nearly 5 and starting school?

One of my favorite books that I read to the kids is When the World was Waiting for You.  It ends with the lines, "You were there, so sweet, so small, the dearest baby of them all.  And now the world still waits for you to grow and learn and be and do."

World, you need not wait any longer.  She is here to grow and learn and be and do.

Men with chests

Dear sons,

You will face darkness in this life.  

Because I know that, I am preparing you for that each day.  

You are small so the lessons are simple.  

When you hit your sibling, I teach you that we don't hit our siblings.  We protect and care for them.

When you say mean things, I teach you that we don't degrade those around us.  We build them up with kind words.  And we say we're sorry.  And we ask for forgiveness.  And we forgive.

When you throw a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming, I teach you that we don't express anger that way.  It's ok to be angry, upset, or sad.  It is not ok to scream at Mommy or anyone else.  We control the expression of our emotions, or if we can't, we must be alone when we let the tantrum have its way.  

When you whine, I teach you that we use words to get what we want.  Persistence is ok.  Whining is not.

When you are brave and face a fear that you conquer, I applaud you.  I have always know you are brave, dear one.  May each battle you win buttress your bravery and add to your courage.

When you are patient and gentle, my heart rejoices as I praise your actions.  Those moments take self-control, something you are developing and it thrills my heart to see it.

When you work together to accomplish some goal, share some joy, or pass the time, I acknowledge your good judgement.  Time spent working as a team or simply playing without quarrels means you are learning to sense what those around you need from you and what you need from them.  These skills will serve you well throughout your life.

There are days coming when what is right will be in question.  Right itself will be in question, as if it doesn't exist as a definable thing.  That is why from your earliest days I have taught you right.  So that when fools propose not-right, you will recognize it.  Though you may not always be able to put your finger exactly on the wrongness of the not-right, you will know in your very soul what is right.

I seek to raise men with chests.  C.S. Lewis writes, “We make men without chests and expect from them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst.”

I do not raise traitors.  My men have chests so that when I expect virtue and enterprise from them, they step up to the challenge and accomplish more than I ever imagined for them.

In these tiny days, I see glimmers of your future, my sons.  Glimmers of what you will one day do, of who you will one day become.  And I fear for you.  You will have to fight.

You will face darkness.  The circumstances will be murky, and it will seem that there is no right decision.  And sometimes, the perfect right won't be an option.  But there is always a right option, and you are the kind of men who will find that path and walk in it, despite the cost.

We live in a nation with a great legacy of men with chests.  Imperfect men who stood for right at the expense of their lives, their fortunes.  The very fact that they stood for right secured their sacred honor, though not their lives or fortunes.  But of what value is life or fortune if it is maintained at the cost of your sacred honor?

Choose right, my sons.  Always.  

That is who you are.  

I know, because I have been preparing you to do just that since your earliest days.

Love, 

Mom