But I also vividly remember that night in late summer when Chase and I were laying in bed watching TV, and he commented that things were going so smoothly - almost too smoothly. It felt like we were in the calm after the rain shower and before the storm. And boy was he right. It seemed like from that point on, we had a wild ride!
So much happened, both wonderful and difficult, that I can't remember exactly the timeline of 2016. Instead, I remember the year in moments...
Moments
The moment I rocked my blonde, curly-haired 1-year-old back to sleep (which he never lets me do) because he was teething and sick, and I felt his body totally relax as sleep overtook him.The moment I got the call that the interview went well.
The moment I heard the heartbeat of the baby being carried by the hemorrhaging pregnant mother I'd just driven to the hospital - I wept as I nearly collapsed on the nurses station.
The moment I stood in my kitchen weeping tears of joy because the Lord had provided a huge house for our growing family.
The moment I got the call that there was crisis in the family, and we needed to just walk this painful road together.
The moment my 5-year old stood in front of me trying to be silly by not smiling... and failing... again and again.
The moment I got the call from a friend to just "meet me at the hospital." And the moment I took her kids so she could be with her husband as he fought for his life after an accident.
The moment my husband confessed that the "family Christmas gift" he'd ordered online the night before (which he'd told me at the time would take up "negligible" space in our house) was a 7-foot memory foam bean bag that would actually take up a whole room.
The moment we found out the order couldn't be cancelled.
The moment (every morning lately) I woke up to the large brown eyes peeking over the edge of my bed and the toddler voice asking, "Mommy, can you get up now? I want bweakfast."
The moment I looked down and saw 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test when I was SURE there would only be one.
The moment I got to be part of a dear friend saying "yes" to the dress.
The moment I finally held the tiniest baby I'd every held outside of my body (by that time about 5 lbs), and I relived the relief from weeks before of hearing his heartbeat just before his mom went into an emergency c-section, of hearing from her doctor that his mom was ok, of hearing from his doctor that though he was just over 3 lbs, he would be ok too.
The moment our dearest friends and family gathered at the pumpkin patch to celebrate that we had survived Spencer's first year.
The moment all of our stuff was moved into our new house, only 3 hours after we'd started the process.
The moment I got the call that a friend was walking through a dark time in life and had made some mistakes, but wasn't ready to face them and pull it together just yet.
The moment I got the emoji text that a friend who'd been trying to conceive for a while had been successful.
The moment I woke up to discover that the election was over and life would, indeed (blessedly!), go on.
The moment I knew I was too sick to attend the birth of a baby I desperately wanted to be there to meet in person.
The moment we were finally a fever-free household after 2 weeks of passing the fever around.
The moments we chose to enjoy with those who gathered, despite the huge hole left by those who didn't or couldn't attend.
The moment we got the call that our friends purchased the farm.
The moment my 2-year old smiled in genuine pleasure and self-satisfaction as he opened the gift he KNEW he would be getting.
The moment I realized that somehow I have 3 children plus 1 on the way. Who thought this was a good idea?!?
Steady
As the moments flash through my mind, there are two steady factors in them all. Two unchanging forces that have kept me grounded through the terror and fear, joy and elation, ups, downs, and everything in between. The first is the Lord. The only truly unchanging force. Perhaps you think I need Him for a crutch, and I respond, "Of course I do. Don't you?" I am too changing. The world is too changing. I look at things, at people, and I know that they are imperfect. But that, itself, means that I can conceive of Perfection because I can recognize imperfection. Which means that on some level there is a Perfect Form - a Divine being. Perfection. God. And I'm so grateful to know His unchanging nature in such a volatile world.
The second is Chase. He, I can personally attest, is not perfection. But that's actually a huge relief, because neither am I. Can you even imagine how difficult it would be to be married to perfection? But he is steady. He is the one who most helps me stay grounded as we, together, take on all the challenges, joys, twists, turns, blessings, and defeats of life. In fact, he has carried me, figuratively and in some cases literally, through this year in particular. In each of these moments he was with me, walking life, encouraging, gently redirecting, patient, just what I needed. I am so grateful for him.
I remember last year, about this time - between Christmas and New Years - I was giving Chase a haircut in our kitchen. I remember tears welling up as I confessed how overwhelmed I was with life, and not in a good way. Lily was 4, Connor almost 2, Spencer just a couple of months old. Of course I was grateful for so much, but I was so overwhelmed.
So much has happened, but some things remain the same. A friend asked me tonight if I thought I'd be able to do life with 4 littles. (By May of this 2017, I will have 4 children ages 5 and under.) "No," I answered without missing a beat. Of course I don't think I'll be able to do it. But I will. And it will be wonderful and overwhelming and too much and not enough and all of the things it will be. But most of all, it will be mine. And because of that, I will cherish it all.
Here's to 2016's conclusion
The heartache, the joy, the days that we shall never live again.
Here's to 2017's commencement
With eternal optimism may we embrace each day as the gift it is.
Happy New Year!
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