I've now known I'm carrying twins for 5 weeks and 3 days. There are so many things I want to remember, and process, so here we go.
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 2 days. That's really early. Like really early. Even the early result pregnancy tests have like a 50/50 accuracy rate at that point. The lines on the test were not faint. And they didn't take even a minute to show up. After taking a test first thing in the morning that day, I was elated. This is exactly what we'd wanted!
I was so excited that I took a regular (not early-result) pregnancy test later that afternoon to confirm. Even the normal pregnancy test didn't take any time at all to show nice, dark lines. We were confirmed!
I always struggle with exhaustion when I'm pregnant, especially in the first trimester. It's my #1 pregnancy complaint, and it hit with full force by 4 weeks. That's pretty early for exhaustion to hit, but I just started napping in the afternoons and telling myself this was all normal.
It wasn't that I couldn't get out of bed or move my limbs. It was simply that I had zero motivation to and zero energy to, so why would I? Sure, there was 3 weeks worth of laundry spread all over our bedroom floor, but we could continue to dig through to find what we needed.
But then things started to seemed extreme. A coworker sent me home because she found me nearly asleep on my desk. Twice. The next day I worked she sent me home twice. Like once in the morning for a nap, and when I came back in the afternoon, she sent me home again. (Bless her! I needed the rest!)
Saturday came, and I willed myself out of bed by 9:30 so I could make our family brunch. I climbed back into bed at 12:30 and didn't move a muscle (although I was awake the whole time with piles of laundry still lazily not folding themselves all over our room) until I drug myself out of bed at 5:30 to get supper for my family. I remember hearing Chase playing outside with the kids - the day was sunny, there was no wind, and I wanted to want to be out with them. But my arms and legs weighed a million pounds, and I wasn't even motivated to switch the show on Netflix. I was stuck.
This pattern held for a couple of weeks. I added in some extra supplements which helped some, but I called my doctor and set up an appointment to see her asap. Instead of waiting till 12 weeks to see her (which was my previous plan), we took the team (all the kids were with us) and headed in at 9 weeks.
At 9 weeks we had our ultrasound where we found out about the twins. Shock is the best word to describe what I remember feeling. Total shock. I was relieved there was nothing wrong with me or the babies. Though I didn't really let myself hope for twins in those weeks leading up to the ultrasound when I was SO tired, there was this odd sense of a fulfilled hope or a dream I'd long ago retired turned into a reality.
I'd wanted twins, prayed for twins, hoped to have twins for years before we got pregnant with Lily. Like so many who have "always wanted twins," I had no idea what I was really hoping and praying for.
It strikes me just now as I write this that I have often heard/read in the last 5 weeks that our bodies aren't designed to carry more than one baby at a time. But God knew this was going to happen before the world was created, and so actually, he designed MY body to carry THESE twins. That is the truth. That doesn't mean that I don't/won't need extra support - I know full well I do and will continue to. But this is no surprise to Him, and He built me knowing that this would be my situation at this moment. He built me for this and has been preparing me for this moment. That's reassuring.
Anyway, I didn't really think twins would happen, so seeing them on the screen that first time felt pretty surreal. Chase just laughed. I cried and laughed at the same time so hard that we couldn't see the ultrasound anymore because the wand was bouncing around too much. It almost felt like an out of body experience where you're living someone else's life or observing something happening to someone else.
There was also this huge sense of relief. Nothing was wrong with me! Nothing was wrong with my babies! I wasn't just old and tired and out of practice and lazy. There was a very good reason I was feeling differently this time - more exhausted - and it wasn't all in my head.
We left the ultrasound after confirming that vaginal deliveries in GI are possible and after I'd asked WAY more questions about the delivery side of things than my doctor is used to answering at that stage of the game (I suspect). Then commenced the three weeks of what I think I'll always remember as simply shock...
I told my mom first - we stopped at her work on the way home. I texted some friends. I told my boss. I called my dad. My in-laws stopped by that evening, and we got to tell them. We called and texted family and friends. The goal was to get the word out to the right people in the right order as quickly as possible. The more people that knew, somehow the more real it felt.
Those three weeks I did what I do when there are new circumstances and I don't know what else to do - I researched. My cousin sent me 2 books on twins, I hunted down twin mom blogs, my Pinterest feed became twin-centric, my Google searches were all twin related, and my Amazon wish list grew to contain those "necessary" twin items I would need.
I thought out how we'd do bedrooms when the babies come. I started planning when transitions would need to happen and thinking through how I could still be a good mom to my 4 kids outside the womb if I got put on bed rest. I researched the different kinds of bed rest and read about how I could possibly avoid it if I took care of myself rather than pushing things.
I don't know if I drove my friends crazy. I felt both isolated because I was so tired ALL the time (most of my research was done during the odd insomnia that pregnancy exhaustion often begets), and like all I ever talked to anyone about was twins. Mostly I was in my house barely surviving, accepting meals from friends and family who saw my inability to provide for my family, and letting my husband manage the household because I just couldn't.
And I felt so alone. I'm pregnant like so many of my friends, but mine is different. It's the same in that we're all part of the miracle of bringing life into the world, but it's different.
Can I just confess that as much as I dislike pregnancy generally (it's uncomfortable, it's not pleasant, it's exhausting, it makes you think you're crazy and you kind of are), I've always liked the "special-ness" that comes with it. You're pampered just a bit. You've got an excuse if you're late. You've got an excuse to not eat, to eat, to drink, to slip to the bathroom, to go to bed early, to go out with your friends. Basically I always feel like I've got a little bit more "right" to do what I want to do rather than what I "should" do. Don't want to do the dishes, but should - they'll wait for tomorrow. You know?
But now I'm extra special. And I'm walking this one alone. I'm part of the twin mom club, but all the twin moms I know have twins who are already walking, or in school, or in high school. Their stories are wonderful to hear and their advice is invaluable. But last time I was pregnant, I did it with some of my best friends and we were all exactly the same. Different experiences, but the same.
This time, I'm different. I take extra pampering. Pampering is the wrong word - I take extra care. I get winded going up the stairs in my house. I need at least a 2 hour nap every day and often more. When exhaustion hits, it's dangerous for me to push through - preterm labor is a BIG deal. It's not much of a risk for my seasoned mom friends who are expecting right now - they can take long walks and are encouraged to in order to stay in shape. I can't even walk 6 blocks to the park. I can barely walk 2 blocks, and when I do, I MUST sit when I get to where I'm going and sometimes I need to lay down for a while. And from everything I read it's best to listen to my body when it's tired and rest. So I do.
But that also means that I feel tired, so I don't go out and do what I used to do or see who I used to see. I don't host people in my home like I used to because I simply don't have energy to do it. Some days coming up with the mental or emotional energy to get my kids mac n cheese is all I can muster, let alone a carefully thought out text to arrange time to spend with friends. I'm a really strong extrovert, so feeling too tired to be around people is kind of an ugly cycle where I'm tired so I don't have energy to hang out with people, but hanging out with people is how I get much of my energy, so I miss out on that energy source and... it can be a rough spiral. I'm still trying to figure out daily how to get the input from friends I need without spending all the energy I have on just friends.
It's gotta feel to my husband like I've got energy for this I want to do - book club, MOPS, play dates, work, because I've reserved energy for those scheduled things - but not energy for this I actually need to do like dishes, making meals, cleaning and laundry. It feels that way to me too. But I can sit at book club and MOPS and play dates and work and gain energy from those gatherings. Standing through a load of dishes or pushing the vacuum is rationed energy and so draining. I just can't do much of it a day, and that's really frustrating for me. Mostly because I feel lazy, though I know I'm not, and I'm doing what's best for the two babies growing in me.
Speaking of those two babies, I wonder if I'll be able to help them feel individual? I wonder if I'll support or hinder the special bond so many twins have? Will I be able to make it through those early days? When they're sick, how will I cope? What will their birth be like? Will my need to feel in control drive me crazy if things get out of control? I wish they were here in my arms and all the questions I have about labor, delivery, preterm labor, NICU, recovery, etc. were answered.
But then, isn't it a gift we don't know ahead of time? We get to live in the present, experiencing today - neck pain because my neck is out, stomach a little off (but that's just normal these days), exhausted, wondering if I'll sleep tonight or be up, hoping to have energy tomorrow but grateful I'll be home if I don't.
Grateful.
At 12 weeks we went in for our next ultrasound. I was honestly a little worried my doctor would put the wand on my stomach and say, "oops! We were wrong. Just one in there." But she didn't. The wand went onto my stomach and two little babies appeared. They wiggled and squirmed with little arms and legs, and I breathed a sigh of relief. We'd made it 3 more weeks, we 3.
My doctor asked me if I was coming out of the shock of having twins yet. I admitted that I wasn't sure but thought maybe I was starting to. Somehow, I do think that day was a turning point for me. It was a second confirmation that this twin thing is really happening to me, and it was a chance to talk through a lot of questions I had on the medical side.
It gave me a clearer picture of how pregnancy care would be different, how delivery could and would be different, at what point different interventions are available/done, goals to think about, and timelines to think through.
Because I'd done so much research in those intervening 3 weeks, I had intelligent (at least what I thought were intelligent) questions to ask my doctor. I had a sense of what risks we are likely to face or should be watching for. I could lay aside so many questions because I'd found answers and no longer needed to wonder or plan for their eventualities. I could be grateful for the number of serious risks that don't apply to my particular kind of twin pregnancy.
I think there will always be some level of shock involved with the twins. But there is with each of my children. I have a 7 year old, and do you know, they've let me keep her for SEVEN YEARS?!? She's marvelous! I can't believe someone hasn't come and tried to keep her for themselves. Of course, I'd never let that happen, because she's mine forever. But seriously - they just let me walk out of the hospital with her 7 years ago and I've never looked back. That's pretty shocking! And the same is true with each of my boys - I have no idea how to be a boy mom, except that I do it every day, three times over. And it's wonderful, and I'm learning.
Learning. Isn't that what we do. We learn. At least, that's what I do - I'm constantly learning and sharing what I'm learning. It's gotta just drive my friends crazy. I sound preachy to them. (It's ok - I know I do.) But I just can't help myself! I have information that I feel like may be good and helpful to them so I share!
It's 10:04pm. Bedtime. Time to see if sleep will ease this stupid headache from my neck being out and see if I can drink a bit more before bed (because getting up to visit the bathroom in the night is now my favorite).
14 weeks and 3. We made it one more blessed day. Praise the Lord!
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