This is the post I prayed I'd never write. The one I begged would never happen.
Let me introduce Thomas Francl:
You'll never meet him here on this earth, and nor will I ever get to snuggle his sweet self this side of Heaven. We lost Thomas - his heart is no longer beating.
Thomas is our son, and I can't tell you how much we cherish the pictures we have of him. I am so thankful to live today when not only do we know for sure that I was carrying twins, but also we have an image to hold on to.
Facing the Reality
Yesterday it was confirmed that we lost Thomas. Did you know that "Thomas" means "twin?" I've always loved the name, but my rule-following self refused to use it on a child who wasn't a twin. This is our Thomas, one of our twins.
The crushing blow of losing him was mixed with the elation of finding out that our daughter, Thomas' twin, is thriving. Her little heartbeat is strong. Her measurements are all precisely on target. Her blood flow, placenta, umbilical cord, organs, movements, everything is totally normal.
We have lost Thomas, but we still have his sister. The specialist tells me that this pregnancy will carry on like a standard singleton pregnancy for our little girl. Thomas will move aside and in some ways meld into the lining that surrounds and protects his sister. Isn't that a beautiful thing - that even in his death he becomes part of the protection for his sister. His body will change to look simply like extra tissue that I'll deliver along with their placentas after she is born.
Her due date is November 15. And can I just tell you, we cannot wait for the weeks to pass and for her birthday to arrive! We are overjoyed and celebrate her life and her health, as we also are overcome with grief and mourn the loss of Thomas' life.
But Why?
Medically, we have no answers. It's not "unusual" for a twin to not survive. In fact, as many as 30 percent of pregnancies that start out as twins result in a singleton delivery. So we simply don't know - there was no medical indication for concern and no medical reason found for his death.
I was talking to a friend today about some of the other why's: "Why let us know about him for a mere 6 weeks? Why give him and then take him so quickly? Isn't that cruel? Would it have been better to never have had Thomas or to at least not to have known?" The truth is God gives good gifts. Thomas is a good gift. Although we only knew about his little life for 6 weeks before he was taken, that in itself is a gift. In so far as we could, we got to KNOW him. Fifty years ago, it's likely that we never would have even known he existed as I would've simply delivered a singleton.
To address the question of "why take him so quickly? Isn't that cruel?" I simply don't know. There are so many things I don't understand in this life. However, I know Someone who knows so very much more than I ever will. He has a perspective so different from mine, and I understand that what He does and permits is for my good. In my mind, God permitting things that are hard for me parallels a parent taking their child to get a necessary but painful medical procedure done - we parents have all had to do this for our own kid's health and well being. The way I see it, God does too. I need my toddler to trust me that a shot is for his long-term benefit. Likewise, I assume God needs me to trust Him that hard things are for a greater good that I can't yet see or understand. Therefore, I choose to trust a God I don't understand.
Don't hear me saying I won't ask "why?" I've faced enough of life to know that that question lingers. I wanted twins for years, prayed to have them, retired that dream, and then was given it only to have it ripped away again. I'm crushed. I was so very much looking forward to (and afraid of) all the challenges and blessings. But.
Even if...
Do you know the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? It's in Daniel 3. It's this great story where King Nebuchadnezzar builds a huge idol and then tells everyone in the kingdom they have to bow down to it. It sounds silly, but he took role call or had henchmen or something to tell him if people didn't follow his orders. We know this because somebody ratted out Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who didn't bow down to the stupid hunk of metal and gold.
The three are dragged before the king who tells them to bow down to the idol or be thrown into the blazing furnace, because, "what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?" (Ok, King Nebby... you have no idea what's coming next. Something tells me you always get your way - spoiled, spoiled!) And the three respond, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand."
Doesn't that response just blow you away?!? Like, what kind of faith do these three guys have? What kind of crazy miracles have they seen? The furnace is blazing so hot that it literally kills the guards feeding the fire. This is no joke, and they're like, "Go ahead and throw us in, our God will save us from the fire." It feels arrogant at this point to me, like, you three boys get to decide what God does and doesn't do? He's just gonna rescue you from a fire cuz you stood up to a king? Sounds to me like these three guys think they can boss God around.
But here's their next line to King Nebby, and it's the clincher for me: "But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
That. That is reality right there. They had it. God can do ANYTHING. He is awesome and not bound by the laws of nature in the same way that we are. He made the rules. He can break them. He can save them from the fire.
But even if He does not these three guys decide ahead of time, they will serve Him alone.
You see, it didn't matter what the king did or didn't do. It didn't matter if God responded to their actions the way they hoped He would or not. They would be faithful to God, I suspect, because HE HAD BEEN FAITHFUL TO THEM.
Perhaps some of you reading this far are wondering why I'm spending a ton of time on some ancient story from some crazy religious book when I'm trying to write a post about losing Thomas. Fair enough. But it's because Thomas' life, my twins, will always make me think of this story.
My "even if..." Moment
We knew a week ago that there were problems with one of our twins. We knew also that the God who beat death itself could heal the issues that existed. He is Life. He is the Great Physician. He created us. We have served Him faithfully. Why would He not grant our request? A request in line with who He is and what He does, a request that, if granted, would glorify Himself.
From my perspective it seemed plain - God can, God does. But from experience, and Scripture, and the lives of many who have gone before me I know that that doesn't always mean God will.
In the week we had between when we knew there were problems and when it was confirmed that we lost Thomas, I lived (to a very different degree) what Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego faced. My God can. And I had to make the choice of what I would do - could I live out the "even if" that they never faced, because in their case (spoiler!) God DID save them from the firey furnace?
I can live out the "even if" they never faced, like so many who have prayed good prayers before me that weren't answered in the way they'd hoped. Corrie Ten Boom comes to mind. (If you've never read The Hiding Place, get it today. It will change your life. Talk about inspiring faith in modern times.)
So if you've read this far, here's where I'm at: I'm crushed. I'm in shock. From processing grief in the past, I know I'll get angry. I'll ask "why?" I'll hurl myself in anguish against the reality we face - precious life lost. But in all that, I will remain faithful to Him who has been faithful to me and again choose to trust a God I don't understand. And right in the midst of my grief, I will be celebrating the life of a little girl we plan to meet in November.
The Lord has taken one. The Lord has given one. Blessed be His name.
Dear Thomas
To my dear son who I get to continue to carry with his sister, but will never get to hold this side of Heaven,
Your life has made such an impact - at least on me and your family. You are so dearly loved. You were always wanted. You will be greatly missed. Yet I'm so grateful you won't face the harshness of this world.
May the story of your life chase away doubt (no "doubting Thomas" here!) and inspire faithfulness in the "even if" moments faced by those whose lives you touch. Your family loves you so. We look forward to seeing you one day.
Love, Mom
PRAYING FOR YOU!
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