There are always things in life to be afraid of - the fears will overwhelm you and keep you from enjoying life if you let them. But then some fears are good - they keep you from danger and cause you to continue enjoying life. Fear of being burned keeps you cautious around a fire. Fear of getting in a car accident causes you to wear your seat belt and follow traffic laws.
Years ago when I prayed for twins, I didn't associate fear with the experience of having twins. I saw in my head two beautiful babies and me (remember, this was before I had any kids) actually being kept busy, because one child at a time would be too easy. (Ha! Isn't that hilarious! I was so young and naive.)
But the fear is real, and it's hit in ways I didn't imagine.
There are the initial obvious fears - fear of losing one or both babies, fear that the doctor was wrong and there is really just one, fear that the doctor was right and there are really 2. There are physical fears for myself - afraid of the aches and pains, afraid of the growth, afraid of the weight gain, afraid I won't be able to gain weight, afraid of bed rest. There are fears related to the end of the pregnancy - afraid of a c-section, afraid to get an epidural because of the possible side effects (I've never had one), afraid NOT to get an epidural, afraid to deliver in an OR, afraid to deliver early, afraid of preterm labor.
I think all those fears are relatively predictable. They can be anticipated, and twin mom blogs are rife with advice and tips and tricks to overcome, prevent, or face them.
But the fears I didn't expect, the fears that knocked my knees out from under me were the emotional and relational fears.
Fears about my older kids - I'm already spread thin with 4 kids ages 7, 5, 3, and 2. What will it be like when I have newbornS to care for along with my wonderful team? Emotionally, I work each day to gauge where they're at and evaluate how to meet them there and move them to the next step of maturity. I've heard enough stories from adult children of big families that they felt lost or not seen or not met or not heard, that I know that's something I want to combat. But.
But I'm SO tired. My 3 year old came up to my room a few weeks ago as I was trying to wake up from 3.5 hours in bed (which meant he'd watched about 3 hours of TV that afternoon). He said, "Mom, get up! Come on!" I groaned. "Oh buddy," I said, "I just can't right now. How about you go get a book and I'll read to you right here." He instantly threw himself onto my bed and dissolved into tears, and I was right there with him. This is hard.
A 3 year old's mama is supposed to be able to get up at 4:30pm, get him a snack and turn off the stupid TV. A 3 year old's mama is supposed to be able to carry him down the stairs and nuzzle his neck on the way and reassure him that he is the most valuable and important thing in the world. Because he is. A 3 year old's mama is supposed to be able to meet the needs of her 3 year old physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But this 3 year old's mama is struggling to do any of that for him, let alone his siblings. That day was hard. Fears realized.
We've worked through it. We've found ways to cope, ways to improve my energy, ways to decrease TV time (which improves behavior though not necessarily Mommy's nap time), ways to meet the kids where they are. And they've gotten used to things like Mommy can't carry them up or down the stairs, but I will hold their hand on the way. They've gotten used to being asked to run upstairs or down to get my phone or my drink or whatever it is I've forgotten. They've gotten better at helping one another find lost toys, favorite blankets, and that missing sock. They're coming along and so am I.
But I'm still afraid. I'm afraid that I'll fail them. Despite all my efforts, despite all my prayers, despite giving more than I have to give, I'll fail them. And I will. May God's grace fill in the gap.
I'm afraid for my marriage.
This is no judgement on my husband nor should it affect in any way your thoughts about his character. Because my fears are in no way based on his behavior, actions, or character. They're based solely on my own insecurities. But I'm afraid for my marriage.
I was at a friend's house one day and she sent me upstairs during nap time to nap right along with the littles. Laying there, thinking through all that was going on in that first trimester, I just lost it. I wept ugly, big tears for a long time. I cannot provide, I am not providing, I will not be able to provide my husband what he needs for a long time.
It's not like he married me because I was a great cook, or because he didn't like grocery shopping, or because he just wanted his house cleaned. He had his reasons for marrying me, and now, almost 14 years later, he will have to tell you what those were and why he's still with me. But it wasn't because I was marvelous in all those ways.
But it is true that I do those things for him - I cook, I keep food around the house, I clean, I do laundry, I care for things inside the home so that he can focus his attention outside the home. I need him to do that - focus on work and providing for this team we keep building together.
Except, I can't. Keeping food in the house has been a challenge (blessings on all who have brought meals, snacks, groceries, etc! and praise the Lord for grocery pick up!), and cleaning has been almost non-existent. Laundry gets washed (usually) before we're in dire straights, but folding... ugh. Not only has he had to focus on new developments at his work, but he's also had to run the household while I sleep and build babies.
A picked up house makes us both feel at peace. You might not know it from the state my house is in normally, but I love a clean kitchen, a freshly vacuumed house, and sparkling bathrooms (who doesn't?!?). Saying those are pipe dreams at this point feels a bit too optimistic.
Last Saturday, Chase worked outside all day - he shoveled dirt into holes, dug a hole for a tree we're going to plant, mowed, spread grass seed in empty patches, covered the seed with topsoil, fertilized the whole lawn (we have a huge lawn!), cleaned up all the kids outside toys, and then helped me feed the kids supper. After all that I left for a couple of hours out of the house, and came home to bathed children sweetly tucked into bed, a picked up bathroom (no dirty clothes or wet towels on the floor, kids bath toys drained and put away, counters cleaned, trash emptied), and a picked up master bedroom (which was no joke - I'd been trying to get the bedroom clean for weeks to no avail) including my laundry folded in piles on the bed. And this is becoming the norm for the poor guy. If it's not the yard, it's the kitchen; if it's not the laundry, it's the playroom.
Do you see why I worry that I'm going to lose my marriage? He's running the household, working full time, taking care of me, and carrying everything. It's so overwhelming to me and there's so little I can actually do to give back to him right now.
No, I don't actually worry about him leaving. That's not who he is. That's not who we are. But man. Talk about sacrificial love. And sure, you can say, "Well, you got into this together!" Yes, we did. But this is not what we signed up for. This is not what we expected. We are grateful, please don't misunderstand that, but it's not what we had planned. It's God's grace and work in his life and heart and mine that will get us through this season, and I have no doubt that we'll come out stronger on the other end. But man. This is hard.
And finally, I'm afraid I'll lose my friends.
Again, this is not a judgement on the kind of friends I have! Goodness! They are amazing! But there are realities to my life and future that affect friendships in a big way.
At the moment, the biggest thing is my own exhaustion. I didn't used to need long naps, or to sleep in each morning, or to get in bed early each night. What that all means is that I did dishes, folded laundry, picked up, cleaned, and ran my house during some of those hours. And during some of those hours I went to play dates, went out with friends, went to the park, and hosted things at my house.
I not only have cut out most of the former list, but also much of the latter. The little energy I have I feel like I spend on those easiest to access and closest to me - my family. I try to do a little something around the house each day, and I try to connect with each member of my family. If I accomplish those two things, I'm definitely winning. When I can fit in a quick visit with a friend, that's a huge bonus! I'm learning to plan those for times I need to just sit anyway - because usually I can sit at the park, a play date or whatever. But I'm not as active in attending or planning things as I was. Let me rephrase that - I don't plan things ever and I struggle to attend things at all.
I get energy from being with people, but it does take some level of energy to get to the point of being with people. I'm struggling to find the energy to even get there so that I can be recharged by being with them.
And you know what, I'm becoming a worse friend. My brain is on neutral so often that I don't manage conversation well. I forget to ask questions. I forget things I wanted to tell people. I happily sit in silence next to someone I normally bear my soul to because I can't piece together a complete sentence. And it's not that thinking about the twins is always what I'm doing. Actually, that's rarely the case. It's usually because I'm walking around in a responsive fog. I'll (probably) be able to respond to what you say, but coming up with things to say takes a lot of energy and effort.
And it's not that my friends aren't worth that energy and effort! It's literally that I am just slow. Maybe it would be helpful for my friends to think of me as someone with a diagnosed mental illness. I'm just slow right now. It's not because I don't care. I should know that you just got back from a trip, that it was your birthday last weekend, or that you have a wedding coming up. I just can't put all those puzzle pieces together in my head without a lot of help. I'm like a 2 year old working on a 100 piece puzzle. It's just really slow for me to find what goes together and make things fit right.
Dear friends, please talk about yourselves and your lives WITHOUT me having to prompt you with questions! You're not being selfish, self-focused, or rude. You're helping me out, because I should know to ask, but I literally just... don't very often anymore. I will again. I promise. But in this season, please fill me in on your life and don't always ask about mine - it would be a huge help to me!
Fears. For a few weeks, those weeks of shock, the fears were oppressive. Thus I researched and researched in an effort to qualm my fears. And it helped some, and praying helped some, and simply acknowledging my fears and stating them helped some. They're still there, those nasty fears, but they don't keep me up at night anymore, they don't keep me in tears, or petrify me into doing nothing. But they give me pause and caution sometimes.
If I seem either overly confident or a lot less confident than I used to be, you can bet there is a fear somewhere behind there that I'm struggling through. Please have grace for me in this season. Please. I'm so very imperfect - believe me, I know ALL my imperfections and inadequacies.
But God made me, and He loved me enough that Jesus paid the price for my imperfections and inadequacies. He's promised that his grace is sufficient for me, because His power is made perfect in my weakness. So please, as you see my weakness come to the forefront, have grace for me too.
And by the way, that is true of you too - that His power is made perfect in your weakness, whatever that may be. And I promise to have grace for you.
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