Humor in the midst

We've had a rough go of it around here, in our little community.  In the last week alone, we've lost to cancer a fantastic guy who was a great husband and a father of two young children, and we've lost a 2 year old little pixie of a girl.  One death "expected" and so agonizing, the other utterly shocking.  These are the two I know personally, the two for whom I wept bitterly.  I know of at least 7 other losses tangentially through various people and a number of others going through great suffering of other kinds too.

"When it rains it pours," so the saying goes.  Well, I'm ready for a drought.  P.L.E.A.S.E.

My heart has been so heavy in my chest that while I've accomplished those necessary things, I've struggled to be happy.  I've felt guilty that I don't have to live those nightmares.  I've been heavily burdened as I know so many in our community have been as well.  We mourn with those who mourn, and that is good.

But tonight I was finally able to laugh.  Not just a smile, not just a courtesy laugh.  A real, deep, from-the-depths-of-my-soul and with-my-whole-being laugh.  And as I sat alone in my living room watching my 21-week pregnant belly jiggle with laughter, I realized how heavy a load I'd been carrying.  I could feel the weight lift from my shoulders and relish the freedom of humor.

I never know who, exactly, reads these things I write, but I do know that a number of you are as heavily burdened lately as I am, so this is for you...

One of my favorite blogs to read, every now and then when I get a chance, is Crappy Pictures.  It's a mom who draws crappy pictures and tells funny stories of her family, mostly her two boys, (roughly) ages 3 and 5.  I'll warn you, it's not the "sweet" kind of mom blog, but the kind that makes you giggle out loud as you read, sometimes shocked at the bluntness, but grateful for the humorous point of view.

Tonight, what broke the burden, made me laugh hysterically such that my husband called from the other room to see what the fuss was about, was a post from the Crappy Pictures blog.

Serious things lie ahead.  Tomorrow we will remember in a memorial service a little life ended almost before it started.  But even in the midst of hurt and pain and sorrow and burden, laughter is such a good thing.  It heals.

I hope you enjoy... Jedi Names*

Also, a quick little Lily-ism.  She woke up this morning saying, "I wag my tail."  That was the first thing she told her dad when he went to get her out of her crib and the first thing she told me when he brought her to me in our bedroom.  I SO wonder what she dreamed...

*(For those not "internet savvy," click on the phrase "Jedi Names" above - it's a link that will take you to the funny blog that made me laugh.  Also, isn't it great that no one knows who reads these instructions before understanding what to do?  You don't have to tell anyone you're "internet clueless" - You can pretend you're internet savvy, like, "oh yeah, I totally knew what that link was without reading those extra instructions."  For all those who needed these instructions, I'll just say, you're welcome that I included them.  Now go read the blog and laugh!)

Always before my Father in Heaven

I talked with my ever-patient husband.  I stayed up very late.  I was exhausted.  I read in bed to make my eyelids heavy.  I did all the things I could do to prepare my body to drop into an exhausted slumber.  And yet I tossed and turned.  

Yesterday Lily lost a friend.  The little pixie on the left in the picture below is no longer with us.  This summer, she and Lily got into their first car accident together just moments after this picture was taken.  They ran their Jeep into the neighbors' tree.  Fortunately parents were there to immediately rectify the situation and Barbie Jeeps don't go that fast.    

Yesterday, the situation (not a car accident, a health situation) wasn't so easy to rectify.

How could I sleep with the lack of surety that the little one on the right, my little one, would wake up?  And lack of surety that I would wake up?  We have no guarantees here from one breath to the next.  None.  How could I sleep when such a horrible thing has happened?  When friends are aching and hurting beyond words?  

So I prayed.  What else does one do?  And after a time, the Lord brought this verse to mind:

See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in Heaven. (Matthew 18:10)

In the context of this passage, Christ is telling his disciples to be like little children, to "suffer the little children to come unto me."  He's explaining how much we can learn from our little tykes and exactly how valuable they are.  They are, in fact, so valuable that their angels are always before the face of God.  That was and is an indescribable comfort to me.  

He knew.  He knows.  His plan.  The question is can I rest in that?  Is He big enough to know better than me?  Can I remove myself from the throne of my life, that imaginary seat where I pretend I'm in control, where I pretend know best, where I pretend get to choose?  Can I step down, bend my knee, bow before Him, and allow Him His rightful seat, the seat He, in reality, holds whether I choose to acknowledge it or not?  

I loved her.  I loved all that she would have become.  I love her family.  He loves her and them more.  

I can't stay on bended knee before that throne, not today.  I will rise slowly and crawl into the lap of my God.  I will curl up and rest in His loving arms.  Rest in His control over life.  Find comfort in the fact that He loved her in indescribable ways.  That He loves me and my family too beyond what we could ever understand.  And I will beg for Him to pour His comfort and grace out on her family.  Praise Him that His lap is big enough for us all.

And I will thank Him that I and my family had the privilege of knowing her.  What a gift.  What an indescribable gift.

I ache.

Today I ache.  A few really horrible things have happened in the last 5 days.  None of them to my immediate family, and all those I hold dearest in life are safe, healthy, happy.  But that next circle out - that circle of people I enjoy, people I love, people I look forward to seeing - more than acquaintances, less than family - these are some people for whom I ache.

I don't understand.  I never will.  I hate that things happen.  I hate that life sucks sometimes.  I hate that life ends.  I hate that we have no control over life - when it begins or when it ends - much as we pretend we control or affect such things.  Holiday shopping, pins about decluttering, happy posts about birthdays and babies - it's good to find happiness in these.  It's good to celebrate good times.

But we Christians are also called to "mourn with those who mourn."  Today, I mourn.

Lily sees the tears drip from my eyes and says, "Mommy, are you crying?"

Yes, my little angel.  I am crying.  And sometimes that is the only proper response.  I don't try to hide my tears, but rather to show her that sometimes life hurts, that sometimes it's ok to be sad, sometimes it's all we can do.

Grief.  I hate it.  It's necessary, a part of life.  Some try to medicate it away with sleeping pills, natural remedies, drugs, or alcohol, work, business, or total absorption in any other activity.  I understand why - really, I do.  I have been cut to the core.  I have lost that which was most dear when I didn't really even understand that I ought to value it.  "The valley of the shadow..."  I have walked there.

And now, when others face that same valley, when they are cut to beyond what any human being can be expected to bear up under, I ache.  I ache for them because in some tangential way, I too have walked there.  I ache for them because I know, at least in part, what today and the days ahead hold.  I ache for them because I feel guilty that I do not have to walk through that wretched place again.  Why them and not me?  It could so easily have been me.  And I ache for me because in their loss, I too have lost.

Today, I ache for them, but I ache for my husband who has lost a friend.  I ache for my daughter who has lost a friend.  I ache for me who has lost a friend.

In some situations there simply aren't words.  These are those situations.  I don't know what to say.  I can't make it better.  I can't change anything.  I can simply walk beside as much as I'm able, listen when given the opportunity, mourn with those who mourn.

Today I ache.  

It's a BOY!!!!

At 20 weeks and 1 day, I was ready.  Ten weeks ago, I was not.  But today, I was ready to learn exactly who I was carrying in my tummy.  Turns out it's my son.  It sounds funny to write, "my son."  Turns out I have a son.  :)  Isn't that great!?!

Do you want to see him?  He's so cute handsome!  Wanna see?...

The Profile

The adorable handsome face of Baby Bit Francl.

I'm a pretty lucky mamma - supportive, wonderful, funny, handsome husband (who isn't as perfect or humble as he'll tell you he is); mostly perfect toddler girl (who is SO ready to be a big sister!); and Baby Bit Boy Francl (who I can tell you is more than a "bit boy," but he's not going to flaunt it here on the blog.  Suffice it to say that both Chase and I had figured out he was a boy before the doctor said a word).

Wondering what a belly shot would look like?  Well, here's 20 weeks:

Pregnancy is good to me.  I feel pretty good, though I'm slightly more tired than usual and MUCH more forgetful than usual.  I am starting to get kicked and punched on a regular basis, so I expect the ability to remember things will COMPLETELY leave me any day now.  (It's so hard to keep a coherent thought going when one is being constantly poked and punched and prodded from the inside...)

Speaking of not being able to keep a thought going, I feel like this is a pretty disjointed post, so why stop now?  Other than Baby Bit, I wanted to blog about what Lily's been learning (or trying to figure out) in the last couple of days.

The lesson for the week for Lily has been the word, "because."  It's not what I decided to try to teach her, but rather the part of language that she's trying to use but can't quite use correctly just yet.  So she's working on it.  She doesn't really get the application of "because" right very often, but she tries.

For example, at supper tonight we had French dip sandwiches, which meant she had roast beef with bread on the side as well as some oranges and peas.  After eating some oranges and peas, she decided she wanted something else (*note* Yogurt was not on the menu - I get to choose what, when and where she eats, she gets to choose if and how much.):

Lily:  Mommy, I want some yogurt.
Me:  No, you may not have yogurt.  Would you like some beans?
Lily:  (with brow furrowed into her frustrated little face) Mommy!  Because I need a Popsicle!
Me:  (Laughing hysterically, because she tries so hard to use "because" in a well-framed argument.)
Lily:  Mommy, stop laughing!!!

I had to leave the room to get my giggles under control.  Later tonight she threw a remote control off the bed.  I told her that she was not to throw remotes and that if she did it again, then she would be in trouble.  She responded (with furrowed, frustrated face), "Because!  Mommy, because!"

I wish there was a way to put inflection into the blog.  She is SO cute when she gets frustrated.  :)

Tonight I'm just enjoying the knowledge that I will someday soon hold my son, and by then Lily will have the word "because" figured out.  And I will enjoy every second of her figuring it out!

Enjoying each day, especially with LIly

I love life right now.  I try always to love life, because you only get one shot at it, so it's not worth not enjoying where you are in whatever ways possible.  But I feel like we're at a particularly good place right now - good house that feels like a home, family and friends all around, "baby" sleeping 12 hours a night and in a predictable routine, and the watching (beside my husband and best friend) our daughter discover the world in new ways every day.  Oh yeah, and Baby Bit Francl due in 5 months or so.  Aaaaaand we'll know whether this one is a boy or a girl on November 19.  THAT'S 6 DAYS PEOPLE!!!!!!!  Life is good.  :)

I want to remember some of the sweet moments, so here are a few from this week.

Lily and I bundled up on Monday when it was blustery and super cold for this time of year (like 30) and went outside for about an hour.  Because it was not only cold but was also windy, I dressed her in her snow suit (there was no snow yet).  This is how she responded:

"I'm an astronaut!"

We don't talk about astronauts, I've never pointed out what an astronaut suit looks like, she has 1 book about astronauts that Chase and I read to her sometimes.  I love that she figures stuff like that out!  Cutest little pink astronaut I've ever seen in my life, if I do say so myself!

Who knew astronauts could rake?  Also, I ended up putting the hat away for next year - it's too big and kept slipping over her eyes so she couldn't see.

The leaves were intense, but at least we waited till the tree was naked to rake.  We got 2/3 of the backyard raked into 2 massive piles before we went in for the day on Monday.  This afternoon we went back out and moved the 2 big piles to the back alley, raked up the last 1/3 of the backyard, and started on the front yard.  It was warmer, so we weren't as bundled, but I have to say I love having Lily's "help."  She throws Frazier's Frisbee, rides her bike, tromps through the leaf piles, and generally runs around and has a great time.  Such fun to see!  At one point, she even tried to count the leaves in the pile.  It went like this, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, fourteen, fifteen... all done!"

Wednesday mornings, Lily usually gets a bath.  This morning while she played in the tub, I cleaned the bathroom.  As I was scrubbing the sink, I heard her say,

"The moon is the ugliest star."

I said, "What?" and she said, "The moon is the ugliest star."  She has some bath time books, one of which is an Elmo book where he talks about the moon.  I think that's what begat the comment, but that is not a part of the book.

My little girl is like her parents in that she likes language- words, books, conversation.  I love that about her.  I hope Francl #2 loves words.  Baby Bit will be born into a family that will work to instill that in him or her.

And now that I've spent most of a post bragging on/enjoying remembering Lily's life, I should spend a little time on Baby Bit.  We're 19 weeks and 2 days along in this pregnancy.  As aforementioned, in just 6 days we'll be having our 20 week ultrasound at which we'll find out (yes, we're the type that find out) if we're looking forward to welcoming a brother or a sister.  Lily is quite confident she will be getting a sister.  If you ask her if this baby is a boy or girl, she will tell you, "A girl."  Chase isn't sure the baby is a boy, but he "is feeling confident it's NOT a girl."  So he thinks this is a boy.  I don't know and frankly, (despite predictions) none of us care - baby will be wonderful either way!

What I do know is that baby is growing and moving and kicking.  When I sit still or lay still, Baby Bit makes his or her presence known with sweet little bumps and gentle nudges.  I'm no fool - soon enough those "gentle nudges" will be violent punches and kicks that will interrupt perfectly good thoughts, cause belly gyrations, and keep me from being able to put together coherent sentences.  It all comes with the motherhood territory.

For now, I'll just enjoy each day as it comes, with whatever it may hold...

Whew! Hello November :)

I was shocked, SHOCKED, my friend, to see that the last time I posted was on October 8!  Where did the month of October go???  Gone.  Simply put, it's gone.  And I'm actually not that sad to see it passed.  November means Thanksgiving, which means I get to put up my Christmas stuff the day after that (it's Chase's rule, or I'd already have the halls decked and the tree trimmed, with carols rocking from the speakers...)  But October wasn't without it's lovely moments.  Here are a few:

What does 15 weeks look like (this was a few weeks ago)?  Like this:

I feel like my arm looks HUGE in comparison to my body.  What's with that?!?  Lily wanted to show how big her tummy was too.  Plus, who can resist that little cutie in her princess jams?  :)  Below, Lily is sporting some adorable gloves sent to us by Patti.  (Thank you, Patti!)  Unfortunately, Lily has adorably chubby fingers, and these gloves were made for the more slender type.  None the less, we got them on and she had a few moments of renaissance-little-girl-ness.

I think everyone has some version of this picture somewhere in their childhood photos.  It's just good that Mr. Potato Head is so good at sharing his glasses:

I took this shot at work last week.  For those of you who have never been here, this is where I work.  Isn't it beautiful!!!

Ok, truth be told, my office isn't in that building, although that is (basically) the view from my office window.  But I do visit that building every day that I work, and I love it!

Speaking of things I love, Piglet comes to mind:

We got started a little late on Halloween, so we only trick or treated a few places.  None the less, she was the most adorable Piglet I have ever seen, and her daddy did a fantastic job getting her dressed and ready to charm unsuspecting adults out of their delicious candy.

Welcome to November, everyone.  It's gonna be a great month!