I ache.

Today I ache.  A few really horrible things have happened in the last 5 days.  None of them to my immediate family, and all those I hold dearest in life are safe, healthy, happy.  But that next circle out - that circle of people I enjoy, people I love, people I look forward to seeing - more than acquaintances, less than family - these are some people for whom I ache.

I don't understand.  I never will.  I hate that things happen.  I hate that life sucks sometimes.  I hate that life ends.  I hate that we have no control over life - when it begins or when it ends - much as we pretend we control or affect such things.  Holiday shopping, pins about decluttering, happy posts about birthdays and babies - it's good to find happiness in these.  It's good to celebrate good times.

But we Christians are also called to "mourn with those who mourn."  Today, I mourn.

Lily sees the tears drip from my eyes and says, "Mommy, are you crying?"

Yes, my little angel.  I am crying.  And sometimes that is the only proper response.  I don't try to hide my tears, but rather to show her that sometimes life hurts, that sometimes it's ok to be sad, sometimes it's all we can do.

Grief.  I hate it.  It's necessary, a part of life.  Some try to medicate it away with sleeping pills, natural remedies, drugs, or alcohol, work, business, or total absorption in any other activity.  I understand why - really, I do.  I have been cut to the core.  I have lost that which was most dear when I didn't really even understand that I ought to value it.  "The valley of the shadow..."  I have walked there.

And now, when others face that same valley, when they are cut to beyond what any human being can be expected to bear up under, I ache.  I ache for them because in some tangential way, I too have walked there.  I ache for them because I know, at least in part, what today and the days ahead hold.  I ache for them because I feel guilty that I do not have to walk through that wretched place again.  Why them and not me?  It could so easily have been me.  And I ache for me because in their loss, I too have lost.

Today, I ache for them, but I ache for my husband who has lost a friend.  I ache for my daughter who has lost a friend.  I ache for me who has lost a friend.

In some situations there simply aren't words.  These are those situations.  I don't know what to say.  I can't make it better.  I can't change anything.  I can simply walk beside as much as I'm able, listen when given the opportunity, mourn with those who mourn.

Today I ache.